Devil Hunter Ariel

Name Changes

2012-01-24T18:33:00.000-08:00

Um, I started a gardening blog for fun, since my life doesn't have anything worth writing about in it right now. And Facebook is for that anyway. Since the garden blog is called Anywhere Eden I figured I should adjust the name on it to something more appropriate than just Ariel. Stupid Blogger wants my name to be the same on all my blogs though, so now I'm anywhereeden here too. :P Still me behind the keyboard though. Kinda hoping the garden blog will see more action and I can earn a few dollars with AdSense.

It's Been More Than a Year

2012-01-16T09:30:00.000-08:00

I don't know if anyone out there is still reading this. I have a lot of spare time on my hands right now and a few projects I've been working on, nothing special. Sometimes I think to myself that it would be good to get back into writing, and that I have a lot of knowledge in different areas that i know there is a market for. I've considered starting a community garden in the mobile home park, or starting a remodeling blog/business, writing about gardening, or creating an online newsletter about Green living, writing a journal style book about our climb toward financial freedom... so many ideas, but when it comes down to it I have no idea how to make them into something useful. I wish I did, or that I knew someone who did that could help me.
If there was any promise that these ideas would pan out into an income I would go full bore to develop them.

Update, if anyone cares, on my life? Aaron has been working for a large company in Portland for the past year. He enjoys the work but not the CEOs, he works long hours and has a long commute to downtown Portland. The money has been great though, he is one of the few IT managers out there that actually get overtime pay. This has enabled us to to do a lot of work on the house, get two of my three student loans paid off, buy a new car, replace a few pieces of furniture that had hit the end of their lifespan, and get ourselves and the kids in to the doctor/dentist/etc. I've been working hard to manage the money to accomplish some goals and get us on the right track for the future.
The kids are doing well, potty training is proving challenging but Alex is still a sweet and thoughtful boy. Mina has hit teen age and I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop. So far she has done well, middle school hasn't been nearly as rough on her as it was on me, and while her grades are lacking a bit I figure that is just part of the adjustment process and remind her I expect to see them improve with time. She's quiet and sometimes I think she makes an effort to be invisible while at the same time she feels like she's ignored. Honestly it's easy to ignore a kid who is gone most of the time and when she's home either stays in her room or on her computer. I feel bad that that is the case, because I don't mean to ignore her, but some days I just don't even realize she's there.
Meanwhile, my winters are filled with holidays, appointments, and school days. My spring is filled with remodeling the kitchen, planting the garden, and visiting friends back home. Summer is barbecues on the patio, making improvements to the yard, harvesting the garden and processing all the fruits, seeds, and vegetables. I'm learning to can, make salsa and sauces, jams, pies, relishes, pickles... My 82 sq. ft. garden pumps out more produce than I can keep up with. It's great that I am growing more than we can eat and am able to share pounds and pounds of fresh produce with my mom who is on a fixed income and can't always afford the fresh foods she needs to manage her diabetes. I am more proud of that little garden than anything else. :)

It's Been a Long Hard Night, And I've Been...

2010-10-11T20:02:00.000-07:00

not blogging, obviously. Nor do I intend to pick back up on it wholeheartedly. Oddly, taking down the baby gate this morning that divided the office from the living room has been like the fall of the Berlin Wall. Suddenly a whole new world has opened up, and not just for the toddler. Closing the office off made it seem much less approachable, now that it is open I have spent more time in it than I had in the past three weeks all in one day. Weird how the visual obstruction made so much difference in my comfort level.

Since I only have two followers and I'm sure they've about given up on me, a simply put update goes like this: Aaron is out of work and has been since a year ago, things had better turn around soon or we will be moving in with my dad. My mom moved nearby over the summer, my sister and brother are now both living with my dad and traveling in shifts so that someone is usually at the house with him. Dad developed Parkinson's a couple years ago and while he's still mostly himself he's getting less so every day. His hands shake, he aches all over, has mood swings, and is very forgetful. Combine the forgetfulness with the mood swings and you have a lot of fights brewing over who stole his book/cup/shoes... glad I am not yet in such dire straits that our family needs to join them. Mina is almost 12, she started band this year, playing the drums. She needs glasses now, not badly yet, but I worry that she'll be like me and her eyes will just get worse over time. She's also in the school's TAG program. Smart, beautiful,... if only she weren't so obstinate. /sigh
Alex on the other hand is not so obstinate, for being almost 2 he's still very agreeable. He is an active, thoughtful little boy. He doesn't talk much yet, but I'm starting to hear more consonant sounds in his words which makes me hopeful that he'll catch up on his own. He may have to, since I have called the county ESD 3 times now and not gotten a single response to my messages. He doesn't spend much time with other kids his age and is obviously uncertain of how to interact with them. Hopefully sometime soon I'll be able to afford to get him into a day care or preschool a few hours a day to give him some better peer socialization.
Aaron spends his days in a funk. I wish I could do something for him but in all honesty he just needs to go back to work. Every interview gets us excited that this will be over, and every time they go with someone else instead of him it is a slap to his psyche. The IT industry is very particular, it's like playing a slot machine. You have to spin the wheel of skills and software/hardware knowledge, and pray a job comes around with that exact combination to hit the jackpot. Sales is sales, plumbers are plumbers, and housekeepers are housekeepers; but no amount of wishful thinking is going to make a Linux database administrator into a Windows application engineer, or Java developer.

I, on the other hand, besides being morbidly depressed about my life circumstances in my off-time, have started harnessing my sense of purposelessness (is that even a word?) for the greater good. I am plotting with the help of Aaron and my sister and a few others to create my own small business, a web-based concept that I pray daily to the Goddess will pay for our not-so-far-off retirement and college for the kids. Maybe by the time the kids are in college it will at least be paying off something. But dammit, I'm a smart cookie and I am wasted sitting around the house applying for minimum wage jobs because my resume is blank after 2005, and even before then it wasn't exactly spectacular. I want to DO something useful. The past month has been spent partially researching what is needed to run a small business, and partially crying in frustration that I keep getting cock-blocked by unexpected things. For example, can I (who can't get on my husband's bank account because I am in check systems and have no money to spare to pay it off) even get a business bank account? I don't know. But I find it highly doubtful. I can't pay an accountant to tell me if an LLC would leave my partner open to personal loss to cover the business's tax liability... so she won't be a partner until I can assure her it won't. The little things are eating my brain, but the big idea is keeping me going.

So that's the update... not exactly in a nutshell is it? What's new with you?

The Power of Positive Thought and Me (I?)

2009-11-10T17:47:00.000-08:00

So a friend and I were discussing positive thought in chat and it got me thinking about my own personal philosophy on the matter. I don't necessarily believe in it... but I do.

The way I see it people expect positive thought to be fairly pat in it's definition, think positive and good stuff happens, right?
I see it more as a part of a life philosophy, or at least my life philosophy. I think of it in four parts; the things I do, the way I do those things, the things that are done to me, and the way that I handle what is done to me. I figure kharma handles most of items 1 and 3. I do good things, good things happen to me, I do bad things, bad things happen. Reasonable enough. But the way in which I do those things... whether I will do them well, quickly, and while enjoying them? That's positive thought. Positive thought seems to me to affect your mindset more than outside forces. If you think you can do it, you are more likely to succeed. But this doesn't mean that positive thought is going to get you through a test you don't know the material for, that's more a matter of luck and kharma. And kharma better owe you big time if you think it's gonna make up for your screwup. How I handle what happens to me, those things beyond my control that just seem to happen, is again on positive thought's shoulders.

So if positive thought isn't what gets me by each day, and prayer isn't either (which it isn't), then what DO I do? I actually think about events negatively. Sort of a "just my luck" mentality. Aaron tells me it's a sad way to live. I disagree. For example: Tomorrow Johnny has a job interview. He totally thinks he has it in the bag, he's been using positive thought to help make this happen for himself, he is confident that the new bosses will love him and hire him and maybe he'll get a raise in 6 months and buy a newer shinier car and take his wife on a nice vacation over the summer. If he is hired, he still has his sights set pretty high for that raise as well leaving a lot of room for disappointment. If he is not hired he momentarily loses hope that he will ever get hired and even be able to pay his bills, he wonders why he even bothers, why he always gets his hopes up, maybe even is more upset because he was SO sure he would get the job.

Meanwhile Lola is a negative thinker like myself, she has a job interview tomorrow too. She fears the worst, spends her morning fussing over every detail of her resume, her wardrobe, and how she will present herself at the interview. She is pretty sure she won't get the job, because it just seems too perfect to be true. In fact, by the time she leaves the interview she has fantasies of the bosses talking about how ridiculous she was and of being hit by a bus to boot. Just her luck. If she gets it? She will be ecstatic of course, but doing a good job to prove her worth will be the first thing on her mind. Not expectations of great things to come. If she doesn't get the job it's no big letdown since she has already mentally prepared herself by envisioning the worst thing that could happen. Not getting the job isn't so bad in comparison to not getting it, being laughed at behind her back, and then being hit by a bus.

To me, positive thought in terms of what you want to happen to you is like setting yourself up for disappointment and failure. Having a "just my luck" mentality is the opposite you are preparing yourself for disappointment and failure so if it does happen it isn't as brutal to your psyche. It also tends to leave more room for your mind to be content with what it has instead of always looking for more.

Statistically positive thought doesn't stand a chance. There just aren't that many mansions on hills and perfect jobs and such in the world. They are great because they are limited, much like diamonds. If they were available to all they wouldn't have value. So I figure it's a good idea to prepare yourself, Murphy's Law is out there, and no matter how well you plan, how hard you work, and how positive you think, sooner or later Murphy will get you. A flat tire, cancer, tornado... there are a million things that can screw up your plans and it's best to be prepared.

(Here's a question: Do people who believe in the power of positive thought buy insurance? And if so, isn't that counterproductive?)

First Birthdays and Last Nerves

2009-11-03T12:36:00.000-08:00

Alex's first birthday was on Halloween. Chaos. It's the only way to explain the absolute havoc of trying to prepare for a baby birthday and Halloween in one day, managing guests, gifts, cakes, cleaning, and the kids. WHY did I do that to myself?! And guess what's happening this weekend? Mina's birthday! Maybe I can edit the birth certificate and rewrite it for June or something. He'd never know the difference, and it would sure ease the anxieties during the time period between Labor Day and New Years.
It just seems like there is no end to the things I have to plan for and pay for and schedule during this time of year. First it was school starting, then Alex's birthday, Halloween, Mina's birthday, Thanksgiving, Christmas... luckily we don't usually do anything special for New Year's Eve.

Aaron is still out of work, it's getting down to the wire now, severance ends at the end of this month and if there's no paycheck at the end of this month we will be screwed. It doesn't seem very fair that job hunting is not my problem, it's his, (because we both know there's no way I could find work that would pay as well with an anthropology degree and no experience) but I am still carrying the stress even though I can't really help. He on the other hand seems fine letting me carry the stress and spending the better part of his days napping or playing games. I know there's only so much that can be done each day, but you don't see me burying my head in games when there's a baby to care for and things that need doing.
Then again, I knew procrastination was his middle name when I married him and can't really fault him for it. I just hate feeling like I have to nag him to get anything done.

I found out this past weekend that my Dad was diagnosed with Parkinson's disease, I had expected it but for some reason it took him over a year to get a solid diagnosis. Meanwhile I think I have developed carpal tunnel syndrome (well, I'm certain of it) but can't do anything about it except limit my computer time, watch my ergonomic positioning and take ibuprofen to stave off the worst of the pain because we have no health insurance until we either get on unemployment, or have a new job for 90 days. I just hope every day that no one needs a hospital for a while.

So that's it, that's the update. Seems pretty bleak even to me. It will get better though. I just have to be patient.

How have I been?

2009-10-06T20:19:00.000-07:00

Leave it to Ange to ask the one question I'm not so sure I should answer just now.
A little surprised I still remembered my Blogger ID and password, though...

I have been crazy. I sleep an average of 5 hours a night thanks to the little one who believes that 5 am is the optimal wake up time. I am going nuts trying to stay sane despite the combination of boredom and chaos that makes up my days (he's teething, a lot). And Aaron got laid off from his job of 8 years last week. We were within viewing distance of reaching a point where we'd have some extra money to put into savings and now? Now we are panicking. 8 weeks severance to get us through until he finds a new job, but after the way he was treated at that place and then tossed out with no warning I think he's in a place right now where he just doesn't want to go back to a job. It's a scary place to be. We need to start saving to cover our bills when the severance runs out, but we can't apply for assistance until we've received less than normal pay for 3 months. When I saw the e-mail saying I had a comment here today I was in the middle of trying to figure out how to shave $2,000 off our budget next month, and I just can't seem to do it, i only managed to shave off $800.

If only it had been next year, the house would be paid off, my perkins loans would be paid, and the car would almost be paid. I am fairly certain this was the worst possible timing ever.

I am still here though, the kids are still here and doing great, Aaron is still awesome even though he may not feel so awesome just now. Times of stress are when I shine the most, but I still hate them.

Confessions of a SAHM

2009-04-01T09:29:00.001-07:00

There was a baby article in my e-mail inbox today, asking moms to confess to their sins. It had an incredible number of responses and I felt I needed to share mine.

I confess... I read too many baby articles.

I confess... I sometimes wanted to beat my soundly sleeping DH over the head with a brick, or throw the baby at him, when I got up at 5 a.m. to breastfeed.

I confess... I have immense mommy-guilt over not realizing sooner that DS's eczema was due to a milk allergy.

I confess... sometimes I feign sleep on the weekends now that DS is bottle fed so my husband will get up with him.

I confess... I am so jealous that DH works 40 hours a week, while I am on duty 24/7. There are no days off for moms.

I confess... I am offended by how easy DH thinks it is to go places and do things with the kids. One of these days I'm going to send him to do the grocery shopping with them alone. Or take the baby to a doctor's appointment and run a few errands without me.

I confess... I absolutely hate the "Cadillac" of strollers his parents bought us, it's just too big, I can barely lift it, it won't even fit in our car, and we don't live close enough to anywhere to make it a useful tool.

I confess... sometimes I can't stop myself from buying baby clothes, almost every time I go into a store I pick up a new outfit. At least they will get used though.

I confess... I fed my DS solids at three and a half months old, and told the pediatrician I hadn't yet, to avoid her disapproval. Luckily, when I told her how hungry he was she gave me the go-ahead anyway.

I confess... I still haven't told the pediatrician that I weaned him to a bottle. Why does not breastfeeding have to carry such a load of guilt with it?

I confess... my DS sleeps on his stomach. He won't sleep any other way, and I finally just gave up the sleepless misery and broke the stomach sleeping taboo.

I confess... I did everything right with my daughter and she fought me every step of the way, and have done everything wrong with my son, yet he is the happiest, most easy-going baby I've ever met.

Lastly, I confess... even though you aren't supposed to say it, I love my daughter more. We had a special bond, having just us two as a family for 7 years. She was so stubborn and challenging and wonderfully just like me. Sharing my son with her and DH has really affected how I feel about him. Although I love him dearly, he seems more like yet another family responsibility that I get stuck with the chores for but everyone gets to enjoy, kind of like the pets.

My baby's got the blues.

2009-02-08T20:02:00.000-08:00

Poor little man, he's got itchy patches of skin. It looks like contact dermatitis. Some forms of which are also called ECZEMA. I have become very familiar with eczema after watching Mina's best friend suffer from such ungodly horrible childhood eczema that her little hands and feet cracked open and bled regularly. 9 years later she finally has normally little fingers and toes, and I have developed a keen understanding of the painful extent to which eczema can go. I am hoping this itchy dry skin he's getting is just a reaction to a lotion or baby oil, or his baby head-to-toe wash, or even the laundry detergent.

So I did some research, bought some Aveeno baby wash and compared the ingredients with the regular Johnson's baby wash (which by the way is purported to be hypallergenic and dermatologist and pediatrician recommended). The primary ingredients that are different in the two washes are Polyquaternium-10, Quaternium-15, and that the Aveeno contains colloidal oatmeal. The Polyquaternium didn't seem to have any detrimental reactions associated to it, but the Quaternium on the other hand is a formaldehyde-like substance (preventing the product from molding in the bottle) and has a known reaction incidence. Hypoallergenic my ass.
The aveeno is also made by Johnson's and does not contain the Quaternium, but it does contain the colloidal oatmeal which is said to help skin maintain it's moisture and reduce itching.
Gonna try it for a week or so, see if things improve. I can only hope this was the problem and that I won't have to go through years of trying to treat his skin without relief.

Also... Alex is 3 1/2 months old now, he sits up with support, has good head control, eats well and has probably doubled his birth weight (or at least his leaving the hospital weight), and he has increasingly made mouthing motions at us when we are eating things. So, again I did some research on feeding solids. It seems that the Mom population is fairly split on this topic, it's about 50-50 as far as if you should start feeding solids when your baby seems ready or when your pediatrician thinks they are old enough. He is showing all the expected behaviors for being ready to start on solids, but he isn't yet 4 months old, let alone the 6 month age when it is actually necessary to supplement breastmilk with solids to meet their growing dietary needs. A lot of people have suggested that feeding solids too early can cause children to develop food allergies. The anthropologist in me is thinking "Wow, that's interesting since for generations people didn't have a pediatrician to tell them when it was ok, and yet the human race has not died off due to food allergies." That sort of long range, broader scope thinking leads me to believe that when the baby lets you know they need more, that is the time to do it. Also, a certain part of me wonders how many "food" allergies are more related to reactions to the pesticides and chemical fertilizers our food is grown with these days. In that case it certainly makes sense to give your child's digestion and immune system more time to develop before introducing them to possible carcinogens and teratogens... or you could just buy organic or grow your own organic and avoid that issue. Also, I could see holding off as long as possible if your family has a history of food allergies. My family has no such history. Mina started solids at 4 months on the recommendation of the pediatrician who didn't feel there was a need to postpone till 6 months. The closest thing she's ever shown to a food allergy was that when she ate acidic foods she would get some redness around her mouth. If I wiped them off fairly quickly it wouldn't turn red.
Now mind you, the pediatrician (whom I like very much) has certain responsibilities and liabilities associated with her profession. For starters, she has only met Alex 3 times in his life, once at birth, once at his 2 day check to see how feeding was going, and once at his 2 month check to receive his shots. I have trouble putting much faith in the advice of a person who barely recalls if my kid is a boy or not. She also has to err on the side of caution no matter what the situation, primarily due to the threat of malpractice suits, but also because she may not know when advising a parent if that parent has any previous knowledge or experience with babies and their care, or even if that parent is just plain stupid or not. So in looking for an answer as to whether my son is ready for solids or not I found the list of behaviors he should display, a guide as to what foods to introduce first, and how long to wait between new foods, and a whole passle of comments from moms. Half of these comments were of the "I know my baby and she needed real food sooner than this" variety and half of which were from what I think of as the paranoid-germaphobe sect saying something along the lines of "your pediatrician knows best, why would you put your child's health at risk... etc. etc." I am inclined to agree with the I-Know-My-Child group, but couldn't help running across the stupid parent population hidden within them the ones who knew their children so well they gave them ice cream to lick at 2 months old. I may feel like I know my child, but I also know that the top 4 childhood food allergies are dairy, nuts, wheat, and citrus. Sure, if your kid is wanting solids earlier than recommended, give it a shot, but at least have the common sense to start with something that isn't difficult for even a significant population of adults to digest! Stick with rice cereal, heck, if you can find it organic that's even better. At least play it safe.
I would love to hear any other opinions on this since it was such a split with the moms on the forum I looked at, but I think that being within 2 weeks of 4 months old, Alex's little systems won't be developing a whole lot more before then, so I'm gonna follow his biologically adapted cues and break out the rice cereal this week. If he has trouble with it, we'll stop and wait a few more weeks before trying it out again. If he really digs it and it helps satiate his unending appetite we'll just go with it.

Who Am I Kidding?

2008-12-29T10:31:00.001-08:00

Gotta have more gratuitous baby-in-Santa-suit pictures!

Happy Holidays Everyone!

2008-12-29T10:28:00.000-08:00

From Aaron, Mina, Alex and Yours Truly.

I would like to rescind my previous statement

2008-12-23T09:37:00.000-08:00

Thanks to my bitching about Oregon winter weather, kharma has bitten me in the ass.

In the past 10 days we have received roughly 2 ft of snow, the first 6 inches of which melted off which I can only assume was to make more room for the 10 inches that followed. And the layer of ice thanks to the night of freezing rain, and the other 8 inches of snow that are making their home on top of the ice layer. In cross-cut I would imagine it looks much like a cake, with the thin layer of icing between the fluffy layers of cake. However! I am no longer pleased to be having a white Christmas, as it is preventing my packages of gifts from being delivered, and our family photos from being picked up so they can be dispersed into myriad Christmas cards and mailed off.
Therefore, half our gifts are still out in UPSland floating around, and all of the cards are strewn about the kitchen table and will be arriving at their destinations rather late. It isn't supposed to get warm enough to melt all of this atrocity until at least Friday. There are icicles coming off my house that are 4 ft long (why, oh why did I complain about not getting any icicles?!).
I know, thanks to Zilla, that this means my house is a heat seive and is causing the layer of snow on it to melt due to the loss of heat through the roof. I expected no less. We don't have an attic, and mobile homes from 1985 are not exactly noted for their energy efficiency.
Yesterday we lost power for 6 hours, probably because an ice and snow laden tree branch fell on the lines. It got very cold, very fast. Luckily Mina, Alex, the cats and I can all fit in my bed, we did our best to stay warm. Aaron on the other hand, walked the 2 miles each way to do his last minute Christmas shopping. Men. Pfft.

Thanks to the weather my trip to Washington to spend Christmas with my mom is canceled. I have now officially learned my lesson and will never again complain about the weather. Kharma wins.

OMGWTFBBQPWN! It's snowing!

2008-12-14T07:56:00.000-08:00

I was just commenting on Zilla's blog the other day about how jealous I was of all her snow and lovely icicles, as we very rarely get any more than rain here, and then it's never until at least January. And usually even that is just a tiny sprinkle, enough to get you excited, but not enough to make a snow angel in.
But lo and behold, we have snow! It's actually coming down rather well, and sticking, if it lasts much longer there will not only be angels, but forts, and snowmen as well.
Yay!

Go to Sleep Little Baby

2008-12-11T09:01:00.000-08:00

He's sleeping, so I have a few minutes to blog. I forgot how exhausting baby care is. Every time we get a system or schedule worked out that is mutually beneficial, he goes and changes it. I was finally comfortable with how naps and bedtimes were going and then he decided that between 5 and 9 pm, I am not allowed to do anything but hold him while he naps. Kinda hard to do since that's when dinner happens. It's also the only time he sees Aaron during the week, so this schedule was not working out well. So I made some changes to better accommodate his needs, like getting his belly stuffed and his diaper emptied, and rocking him till he dozed, then moving him into the crib to sleep... far away from the noise and bustle of dinner making, talking, and homework hassling. It worked out well, our evening was much more pleasant without struggling through his screaming at us and our trying to get things done. However, there has been a decided drawback to this system. When he naps that well in the evening he then believes that 3 am is a great time to not only wake up Mommy to eat and get changed, but to play for a while with her and show off his new trick, smiling. Mommy, on the other hand, is mostly unconscious for this little spectacle, and would rather be fully unconscious. After all of this early morning fun, he then decides that, yes, 5:30 am is a perfectly good time to wake Mommy up. Not because he's hungry, not because he wants something, simply because it is time to get up and move out to the living room where he can stare at things happily for another 30 minutes. The good thing about his wake-up call is that the next 30 minutes of happy, staring time allows me to pee, smoke, make coffee, and check my e-mail before he actually decides he's bored and ready to eat or get a clean diaper.
He's 6 weeks old now. Oddly it seems like getting through the past 6 weeks took forever, probably because I am kind of anxious for him to start doing something other than eat, poop, and sleep. I got my wish when he showed off his first smile the other day, which of course he refuses to do when I actually have the camera in hand. Aaron does this thing where he makes a noise blowing air through his lips like a motorboat, makes him smile every time. The kid just can't get enough of that motorboat noise.
He also seems to like music a lot, not tinny baby music like they put on any musical toy for babies, but Nat King Cole, Bing Crosby, Jack Johnson, Michael Buble and the Shrek soundtracks. Nice soothing music sung by great singers. He got very excited about Mina waving his arms in time to Frosty the Snowman by Bing Crosby.
So I guess this post is all about Alex... I have nothing else to share today. We are going out to get family portraits taken this weekend, hopefully I'll be able to get them mailed to people before Christmas. I know my parents are dying for some framable shots of the kids.

Baby Alex has arrived!!

2008-11-05T08:51:00.000-08:00

Here we are a few hours after he was born.

This shot was taken when we first got home on Thursday morning.

This is my favorite, just after he was born, under the warmer while the nurses get ready to weigh him.

Ok, so actually he arrived on the 29th of October, but give me a break, I've been exhausted.

He weighed in at 8 lbs. 3 ozs. and was 20 inches long. He's happy, healthy, and (thank goodness) not colicky.... yet. He's been a really good baby so far and hasn't really given me any trouble, with the exception of having a bit of a challenging time with nursing.

THE FOLLOWING MAY INCLUDE GORY DETAILS!!!

For those who want to know, because there's always someone who wants to know, my labor was fairly quick.
After being 5 days overdue I decided to get checked by the midwives to see if I qualified for an elective induction. At 4 pm Tuesday I was 4 cm dilated and the induction was scheduled for 7 am the next morning... so of course that meant I would go into labor before that. By midnight I was having contractions 5 minutes apart and woke Aaron up to take me in to the hospital. When we got there I was at 6 cm, two hours later I was at 8 cm. That's when they broke my water, but it didn't help at all, I stayed at 8 cm until 4 am, and my contractions slowed down to almost nothing. At about 4:30 they started a Pitocin drip, which picked up the contractions and got me the rest of the way to 10 cm. Alex however, had other plans, he refused to move out, and pushing him took much longer, and was much more difficult than I had expected. Especially since my previous experience having Mina had not prepared me for having to work so hard, or be in so much pain. I was a mess, but Aaron and my midwife were awesome. At 6:13 am he was born and I got all stitched up, and got to see my new little baby boy.

Now I'm not one to brag... but I have it on good authority from several sources that he is quite possibly THE most beautiful baby ever. :)
Aaron and I agree, even in the first few moments after birth we were both surprised by how good he looked. None of the conehead, wrinkled, bluish look for our boy.

Only 6 More Weeks... Seems Like Forever

2008-09-14T14:15:00.000-07:00

Every hour of every day is taking years to go by. Even the nights, since I'm up every hour or so to use the bathroom, or strip off my jammies because I'm roasting, or just get up and move to relieve heartburn or wring some feeling into my circulation starved limbs, or cry while trying to stretch out a middle of the night leg cramp.
Yeah, sleep has not been going well for me the last week or so.
I will be glad to get back to being able to sleep comfortably soon, of course at that point I'll be up every hour to feed and change the baby. But that will be easier because Aaron will have to suffer with me rather than sleeping through my late night discomforts, while I seethe in frustration at his sleeping-like-a-baby form.

Days are just plain tedious. After not sleeping well I try to find things to do with myself, but nothing that's going to take a lot of energy, or do damage to my back. The back trouble has gotten really bad as Alex is now big enough to nudge the nerves along my spine when he rolls around, add that to the inflammation and the strain on it from being so front heavy and walking like a duck, and you have a nice recipe for day-in day-out pain with little relief. Can't take ibuprofen, stuck with hot baths and deep breathing for pain management.
It's the suck.

I think doctors should start telling women that pregnancy lasts 50 weeks from now on, so by the time they feel like they can't wait anymore for it to end and start to feel hopeless that they'll make it through, it'll all be over... 10 weeks earlier than they were told. The last couple months are the hardest, and having them end sooner without any negative repercussions for the baby would be awesome.

Being pregnant again after 10 years has brought up a lot of thoughts and memories about when Mina was a baby. Noticing all the differences between the two pregnancies, like actually having a whole week of nausea this time around. Remembering the time I fainted in a store from being on my feet too long in the heat, and seeing little bunnies and teddy bears floating around my head. I had so much more energy back then, of course I was only 19 and was in great shape. I walked 5 miles on Halloween, a week before giving birth to Mina, to bring in as much candy as I could. I was a bridesmaid in a friend's wedding after which I went into labor and had to call her and her husband to the hospital during their honeymoon to stay with me because my birthing partner was out of town for the weekend. It was so long ago, but the more I think about how this one is going the more I remember about that time in my life.
Even more than the pregnancy I keep remembering what Mina was like as a baby, how much she made me smile, watching her laugh hysterically while I spun her around in the recliner, the time I put her in her carseat and didn't realize my dad hadn't strapped it into the seatbelt and it tumbled forward as we went around a curve to leave her hanging above the foot space in the backseat. Scared the crap out of me. Her first word, her first steps (across my dad's living room to pet the dog), potty training (now that was challenging), first day of school, first cuss word, first taste of solid food, first major illness... all the places we lived and people we spent our time with, all the trouble she got into, how sweet she looked when she was sleeping. It's funny, after 10 years she still looks just like she did as a baby when she's asleep. Her face all slack and relaxed, whole body sprawled across the bed, mouth slightly open... although she doesn't make the little sucking motions in her sleep that she did when she was younger and used to having a pacifier.
I miss all that stuff, and I can't wait to do it all again. It's no wonder I'm so impatient to be done with pregnancy.

Pregnant and hatin it

2008-08-13T10:35:00.000-07:00

I have gotten so bored, and fat, and I just want to be done with being pregnant now. Sadly I still have almost 2.5 months to go. I just want to have a baby now, I am tired of lugging all this extra weight and not having the energy to do anything.
I have been trying to get the baby's room ready for him, but for every day that I spend working on it I have to take 2 days to recover my energy and let my back rest so it'll stop hurting.
I did get some curtains made for the room, and hung drywall where there was a hole in the wall from an old plumbing issue. Still need to get the new piece of drywall mudded and taped, sanded, mudded again, and sanded again before I can start in primering everything.
It's still gonna be a lot of work. I really wish I had someone to help me with it, work always goes faster when you have company. Mina's been trying to help, but while she's an excellent sander, her mudding skills need work. Takes her three times as long to mud the same amount of wall as it takes me.
I just hope I have it all finished before I go into labor. Even though two and a half months seems like a long time in terms of how long I'll have to be huge and ungainly, it also feels like a short time to get everything done and ready for the baby.

It's a boy, his name is going to be Alexander Maxwell, and he's due October 23rd. Don't think I had mentioned that in previous blogs.
Here's a pic:

Politics... Ugh

2008-08-13T10:12:00.000-07:00

Been doing some reading of blogs and thinking about the upcoming election.
In the end I am disappointed. It seems the more I think about it the more that the debates and voting have become a reality show to most, like Survivor, people are looking to vote for the candidate who creates the most drama and yet makes it to the end.
I am saddened that John Edwards did not make it to the end. I was very impressed by his stance on the debate I first saw, while Obama and HRC were tearing at each others' throats and flinging accusations and poo like screaming macaques he reminded the mediator that the debate was not about who was the biggest baddest monkey in the jungle, but about what their stances were on the issues at hand. He kept a level head, he did not promote or condone their over-dramatic spectacle, he wanted to discuss the issues. He isn't in the running anymore.
I've heard some things recently about Edwards, primarily that he cheated on his wife. I am of the opinion that cheating on a spouse does not a bad leader make. While it is a horrible thing to do, it is a personal matter to be handled by his wife and himself. She knows of his indiscretions and has chosen to forgive them and work toward a continued and improved relationship. She must be a very tough and level-headed woman to take an event like that and make it into a life lesson, to use it to recover a marriage rather than an opportunity to throw a pity party and rant about what an awful man she married.

People make mistakes, it happens, no man, woman, or child in this world is perfect. I think it's time we accepted that, and stopped being so high and mighty as a populace and acting as though we are above making mistakes. What mistakes have you made? Who have you hurt in your life?
Are you so perfect as to point the finger at any of these candidates and state that they aren't good enough to run your country because of their past mistakes?
Isn't it time we stopped listening to the drama and finger-pointing and started thinking in terms of what mistakes the candidates have made already and what they've learned from them that will benefit us as a nation? What they can do for the nation, rather than how bad they can make the other guy look?
I was not going to vote this year. I was not going to vote because it seemed to me that none of the candidates were worth being voted for, the whole lesser of two evils predicament. Now I think I'll go back, and examine the debates, ignore the bickering and negative talk about each other. Try to find out who had something positive to say, who had a plan worth voting for. It won't be easy, that's for sure, I will have to sift through a lot of garbage to get to the good stuff, but hopefully it will give me a glimmer of who is really worthy of my vote.

Hunting the Rabid Jackalope

2008-06-06T09:00:00.000-07:00

Life has been busy up till now. Stressful as well. While getting married and moving and getting everything in order has taken most of our time and brain power it is still no excuse for not posting. Recently I have hit the stand-still point in pregnancy. Anyone who's been there will know what I mean. I am big enough not to fit my normal clothes, but too small for maternity clothes. I feel heavy and immensely obviously pregnant and people stare at me like "why is she walking like that?" because it's not yet noticeable enough for random people to stop on the street and ask to rub my belly. I feel like I am running out of time to get the baby's room together and get prepared for it's arrival, but at the same time it seems like the next 4.5 months are taking FOREVER to get here.

I hate this part.

To top this all off I have been dealing with acid indigestion and an unnatural craving for brownies that I fear I may have (slightly) overindulged. They were just so good though...
And the dreams! Oh my god, the bizarre dreams I have been having wake me up in the wee hours of the morning thinking, "what the hell was that all about?". Like last night's fabulous dream about me and the crew from Monty Python's Flying Circus going out into the Arizona desert to hunt down a wild rabid jackalope that was terrorizing the population of Podunk. When I caught the little bugger it tried to bite me so I had to grab it by the ears with one hand and the hind legs with the other. I showed Eric Idle that I had caught it and told him to call in the rest of the hunting party and the nasty little rodent bit his hand off when he got too close. The John Cleese came to check if it really was rabid and it bit his face off (probably a good sign that it was). At this point with the bitten off hand and face I remember thinking "oh great, this is going to turn into a zombie dream" but luckily I woke up before it could take a turn for the worse. No more brownies before bed. Last thing I want is to start having naughty Bruce Campbell dreams taking place in the Evil Dead cabin or something.
Doubt Aaron would find it funny if I started calling out "Ash!" in my sleep or reciting the S-Mart motto of "Shop smart, shop S-Mart" while trying to eat his brains.

Married Life

2008-04-24T10:13:00.000-07:00

Things haven't really changed much since the I Do's. Aaron has been giddy, I have been... well, the same as I always am. He's so very happy to have me be his wife, and a part of me shies away from that. I am afraid I'll let him down, or that maybe he'll change his mind. I kind of don't really believe that anyone could be that happy to be married to me. I am happy to be married to him, but at the same time it is balanced with the fact that I know him, I know his strengths and his weaknesses. And I am happy to be married to him but I also know we will have our trials ahead and saying I Do is not going to change the fact that we don't always see eye-to-eye, that we don't always agree on things, that we are both incredibly stubborn. I know we'll have fights. I know we'll have times when we'll think about not being together. I think recognizing these things and still feeling that this is the right thing for me is what is going to make this marriage last. I am not deluding myself into thinking that everything will be perfect from now on and that we will suddenly become Ward and June Cleaver. Isn't being realistic about that sort of thing what will make it last? Because I don't really ever see myself anywhere but here. Or with anyone but him. Isn't that just as good as mooning over him and smiling chronically? Do I have to fake it and act like I think the world revolves around him too? I know it would comfort him to see me acting the fool about this, but I went through all of that when he proposed. To me, that was when he made it clear that he was committed to me. And I grinned like a fool for a week. Now we've just made it legal, and he's grinning like a fool and I'm busy thinking "did we shut off the phone for the end of the month? when will I be able to make a doctor's appointment and make sure the baby is doing well? How are we going to pay for this move?" I just have too much going on to spend my days smiling into his eyes. But it doesn't mean I'm not happy.

Dogwood Winter

2008-04-24T09:42:00.000-07:00

That's what they call it when there is a cold snap in spring. We've had one all week. It was snowing on our way up to Bellingham on Friday. After our brief stint at the courthouse to get married, which was very emotional despite the courthouse legality of it all. Aaron surprised me with a wedding band, I hadn't expected one, nor was I desperately desiring one in the secret depths of my heart. He felt it was needed though. That there needed to be a proper exchange of rings. His boss had helped him pick it out. I am grateful that he went to that kind of trouble for me, even though there is a part of me that keeps returning to the fact that it wasn't needed. I have a hard time accepting gifts, especially for things that are unneeded. I keep thinking that he treats me too well, that I don't deserve those things and because of it I feel uncomfortable accepting them.
The actual ceremony was simple and attended by Mina, Carolyn, and Aaron's best friend Scott. We got a few pics with Carolyn and Scott's cell phones, but they won't come up on my computer so I will have to find a way to get them to work.
Afterwards we grabbed breakfast and headed north. It was a long drive and got rather uncomfortable.
I was being treated by my doctor this winter back pain caused by arthritis, and since the pregnancy began I can't take the massive doses of ibuprofen they prescribed. In other words, I'm in pain, and it gets worse as I get more pregnant. I don't think people really realize this, since it's an every day thing now to wake up hurting and still be hurting when I crawl into bed at night. I've given up complaining about it for the most part. Because of this, I was hurting pretty badly by the time we finished our 5 hour drive.
The beds in the hotel didn't help much either.
Friday night Dyana and I took Carolyn to the local bars to see what the B-ham night life was like and have her act as our designated drinker. We had soda and played pool while we got her drunk and tried to get her to hit on random guys. It didn't work as well as we'd hoped, I don't think she was as drunk as she should have been.

It was kind of weird being back in the town I grew up in. We drove around a bit on saturday and I saw the house I used to live in and the school I went to. It really hasn't changed a whole lot. It's still a fairly small town, but bigger than Canby by a long shot. The bus system there is great, the parks are everywhere. It would be a good town for Mina to grow up in. But I'm really torn on deciding to move there. I have just gotten to feeling comfortable living here, finally developed some friendships, will finally be in a house with no leaks and a working heating system. I'm not so sure I want to pick up and leave just now. Aaron on the other hand started out very skeptical of moving to Bellingham while I was encouraging him to try something new and see what this offer had in store for us. Now he's getting more excited about the idea and I'm backing away from it. It could just be my need for security shoving at me, but I have explained that essentially this is his call. Being homebound here and being homebound there aren't going to be dramatically different for me, but he is the one who's entire day-to-day life and career are going to be affected by this.
I don't want my fears to hold us back if this is what is going to help him move forward.
Anyway, Saturday was spent wandering the town and then we went to Tom's place for the 80s night party. I think Tom has really missed everyone since he moved up there, he was in rare form as host. He even bought a cake to celebrate our wedding. Everyone but me and Dyana got pretty toasted and then they broke out the Rock Band. After much caterwauling and laughter they finished the night off with Star Wars trivial pursuit. It was a good party, and good to have everyone together.
Sunday Mina and I headed home with Carolyn, Aaron stayed an extra day to meet Tom's boss and have his interview on Monday. Another long drive. I was so glad to be back home and in my own bed.
But it's cold here, it's been cold all week and I am craving the comfort of a house with heat about now. We start moving the essentials to the new house tomorrow. Saturday we'll have the furniture moved.
I really just want all of this to be done with, it's been a lot to cope with all at once. I don't think I should be making any decisions in the state I'm in right now. Between the hormones and the stress and all the confusion I don't think I would be thinking straight.

I'll Get to It

2008-04-23T23:37:00.000-07:00

really, I will. I will fill everyone in on the details. Just had a lot to do this week and moving this weekend so it might be a while.

Oh, and Zilla, my cold sore is doing well. All healed up in fact.

Random Chuck Norris Fact:

2008-04-23T13:14:00.001-07:00

When Chuck Norris's wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said, "Don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck Norris."

Son of a Gun

2008-04-17T10:15:00.000-07:00

Most brides get a zit.

Right? That's like the horror of the wedding day, that you'll wake up to find a huge zit right in the middle of your forehead or something. I kind of expected that sort of thing. I was not expecting to wake up monday morning with a sore spot in my upper lip, evidence of the beginning of my very first cold sore. I have freakin Lip Herpes!

I'm guessing I have probably carried the lip herpes virus for a very long time and the combination of stress, a recent cold, and pregnancy brought about this unexpected eruption. Still, a zit I could have covered with makeup. How do I disguise a nasty scabby lump on my lip? And to make things worse, until it heals I can't kiss anyone. You may kiss the bride just isn't going to have quite the same effect when I am forced to turn my cheek in order to prevent the spread of the virus. It really irks me. So much so that the cold sore got it's own blog entry. I am very disappointed in my body, and it's bad behavior.

Oh! Just thought of something... I want to share before it's too late and I'm huge and can't zip it. (Crap, my camera is already packed and at the new house) NVM, will just have to save the pic of the wedding dress for another time. Grr.
(How was that for a teaser? lol)

Romantic Comedy Spree

2008-04-17T10:12:00.001-07:00

I have been on a romantic comedy/pregnancy movie spree. I watched Juno the other day, it was funny, and emotion triggering for me. A good movie in general. But I wanted more, so I downloaded a few oldies but goodies dealing with pregnancy and kids and just anything that would make me laugh and make me cry. Got all three Look Who's Talking movies, and 9 Months, and 27 Dresses. I've been on a major movie watching spree.

Oh Brother

2008-04-17T10:05:00.000-07:00

A month or two ago my little brother down in Cali started playing WoW. He finally gave up on his free subscription to Guild Wars and came to my server to hang out with me in game. I love getting to spend time with him, even if it's via the game, and enjoy talking with him over Ventrilo.... but... he has taken to calling me and telling me to come play with him. The other friends I have in the game have to wait for me to log in before I start getting invitations to play. He calls my phone. So I often get interrupted during my housework, or nap, or whatever by a call from him asking me to come play.
I love my brother, I miss him a lot and enjoy spending time with him, but I don't have the time this month with all the changes going on to hop online and play with him whenever he calls. I feel awfully bad when he calls and I have to tell him no though. I don't want him to think that I don't enjoy our time together, or that I don't want to be saddled with my little brother. But I have a lot of packing to do, and just can't handle to spend hours of my day helping him level his mage.

Next time he calls I'll just have to invite him up to help me pack :D

Here's to Weddings and Free Pie!

2008-04-15T17:49:00.000-07:00

I got ahold of the county clerk today and got us scheduled to get married on Friday at 11:30. Despite it being my idea to skip a big wedding and just free ball it at the courthouse, it seems like a letdown after all the time I spent planning on a real wedding. I have the materials for making the invitations, I have the dress, shoes and underbits, hell I even had a caterer and photographer lined up. I had just started getting into the whole idea when we realized it wasn't going to pan out because I would be a whale by the time the wedding date arrived.

I was excited. Now I'm getting my way with the courthouse wedding and it seems kind of sad. Most of the reason I was opposed to a big wedding was the expense, and all the planning involved because it seemed like I was going to be left responsible for all of it on my own, without even any friends to help me get things together and to be excited and girly with me. (Major run-on sentence there)
Ah well, I just seem to not be happy no matter what. I am so difficult sometimes.

On the bright side of things... Shari's yesterday had an overstock on Lemon Meringue pies, so they gave us one free with our meal. Yummy! If that doesn't cheer me up nothing will. I mean, who can beat free pie?!

Licensed to Wed

2008-04-14T17:16:00.001-07:00

Went out to the County Clerk's office today. We picked up the Marriage License and will hopefully be married on Friday. Which means our weekend away in Bellingham is going to become our honeymoon/housewarming party for his friend/interview with his prospective new boss. That ought to make things exciting!

Aaron seems excessively happy about picking up the license, me I figure it's just the legal end of things, and that we may as well have been married this whole time. It won't make for any big changes, at least not on my end. I'm wondering if maybe he needs those legal documents to make it feel real for him, I may have some big changes coming from him soon if that's the case.
It will be weird changing my name though, odd not to call myself by my maiden name anymore. Why is it still called a maiden name? Isn't that rather archaic? Why not call it your unwed name, or family name or something? I'm certainly no maiden.

Walks and Talks

2008-04-13T00:09:00.000-07:00

Had a bit of a long day today. About an hour after getting home from chunky monkey shopping and dropping off more boxes at the new house, I got a call from Aaron's boss.
Mind you, she's not your average boss. She and all the underlings who work for her are basically buddies and get together fairly regularly to just hang out. She's a COOL boss.
I particularly like her. I find her to be a fascinating person who is educational and entertaining to spend my time with. So we hang out now and then, because essentially she is lonely, and her closest friends work for her which puts many limits on how much she feels she can share with them on a personal level. It's very sad actually. Since I enjoy her company I try to make a point of spending some one on one time with her during which she can share the things that she holds back from her employee friends.

Anyway, these outings are partly my own friend therapy time, since I am not close with many people up here, and partly her friend therapy time. So she called this evening and we took off to do some window shopping for new patio furniture for her and to have dinner out. It was nice, it was peaceful fun time away from home and all the stresses I've been under for the past week or two. Hopefully we can get together tomorrow for some therapeutic pedicures. Pretty toes are something I have learned to covet.
But now with no afternoon nap under my belt I find I'm exhausted after all that hard workout of window shopping and eating italian food. Time for me to get to bed and see what awaits me in the morning.

A Rose By Any Other Name

2008-04-12T15:41:00.000-07:00

I've already been asked several times by random people I don't know if we have names picked out for the baby. Mind you, the "bean" is little more than a hairless amorphous lump the size of a small plum right now, but people seem determined to attribute a personality to it already. They want names. Names say so much about people's personalities really. And then they want to share with us all of the possible baby names they have ever come up with in a bizarre hope to sway us in the decision-making process.

Personally, despite the fact that we4 have already determined names for a boy and a girl, I am somewhat reticent to share them. When I came up with Mina's name I told everyone about it because I had never heard of another Mina, the next thing I knew there was literally a Mina every time I turned around. They stole it! They pilfered MY baby name!
Needless to say I was offended.

So this time around I don't want all of those name-snatchers to steal my baby name, yet they keep asking, so I am forced to share. I can only hope they decide it's not very good and choose not to steal it.

Boy: Alexander Maxwell
Girl: London Elizabeth

No funky spellings, because that's retarded. I'm so tired of meeting kids with names like Saobhean (sha-von), and Kamryn, or Ginnyfer. Like spelling it in a way that no one will ever get right will make it an original name. It's still not original! Give it up! Make your kid's life easier and just name them something normal if you can't find something original without atrocious spelling!
I mean seriously. Growing up with the name Ariel, which really isn't all that uncommon these days I still come across people who can't spell it, and other Ariels who spell it a number of different ways.
I'm just saying, when you name a baby, don't be an ass. Think about the fact that it's a name they have to live with for the rest of their lives. Make it spellable, not a "baby" name, but a person name, one that will grow with them. And for god's sakes make it pronounceable, don't name your kid Soybean!(Saobhean)

So, on an off-note... what do readers think of our name choices? Are they decent? Do you know of 5,000 other Londons?

I'm a Planet

2008-04-12T15:30:00.000-07:00

Well, I will be a planet soon. Hence the reason I spent my morning shuffling through a one-stop shopping center for some pants I will be able to button for several more months.
They were horribly overpriced considering I don't plan to stay that big long enough to get my money's worth out of them. But they are big enough to fit two of me in, and button fly, so I can always start undoing buttons if things get tight. Plus I found a really cute shirt in 3xHugemongous, which will more than likely be my one and only "leaving the house" shirt in a month or so. The rest of the time I'll just wear my sweats and pajamas and call it good. I feel kind of sad for the OB/GYN though as she will likely come to know me as the girl with one shirt.
But I refuse to pay fifty dollars for something I am too small for now, and will be big enough to fit for an entirety of 3 whole months before I deflate again.
Not gonna do it.

Mina and I spent some time in the baby section poking around. I don't think I cared much for their selection, there was not even one neutral newborn outfit. I found a little green sleeper that was cute but upon closer examination was embroidered all over in tiny pink rosebuds. I don't think blending boy and girl colors and prints really counts as neutral. I think my son would be offended to notice the tiny pink rosebuds on his baby picture sleepers. Girls are a little more forgiving about that sort of thing, a tomboy is just fine, but oh my, I can see my teenage son hollering about how I set him up to have gender issues with the way I dressed him as a kid.

Pickin It Back Up

2008-04-11T13:44:00.000-07:00

It seems kind of weird after all this time to even think about returning to the blog world. But as I'm still keeping up with some of my favorite folks (waves at Zilla and Ange) it only makes sense to be able to return the favor and share my exciting little endeavors with them again. Especially now that I have some things to write about again. Plus I'm really incredibly bored right now and playing the waiting game on some things. I figure the best way to cope with waiting (I hate waiting) is to keep busy.

So here's the lowdown: Aaron and I got engaged the day before Thanksgiving, but we have no idea how to plan a wedding so we haven't got it together yet. Actually this turned out to be a good thing since I found out a few weeks ago that I'm pregnant (10 weeks now) so at least none of the wedding plans were set in stone before this little incident occurred. While this wasn't a planned pregnancy we are both really happy and excited about it. So much so that I'm actually unexpectedly anxious and uncertain about the whole thing, I would be heartbroken if I miscarried and so would he. Being this hopeful about something just leads me into complete panic mode that something could go wrong. Aaron calls me "Ms. Glass-Half-Empty". I don't know that I'm all that negative, just that I prefer to be prepared for the worst because it protects me from the extremes of disappointment when things do go wrong. Does that make sense?
Of course, he also likes to make me yell. He says I'm too conservative about my emotions and I should let them out, even the bad ones. I figure if I keep myself composed I won't upset anyone else, which leads to much more peaceful interpersonal relations. Meanwhile, he still does things specifically to piss me off so I will yell at him and he can be happy that he's not marrying an emotionless zombie. Does this seem like an odd relationship? It actually bothers me when he throws me off enough to make me yell. I don't like yelling. But he seems reassured by it, like it means I give a damn because I'm pissed.
*shrug*
Who can explain men?

So back to the purpose of this post... We are also moving this month into the nearby town. The house is in better condition than the one we're in now. Including having AC (THANK GOD!) and 2 bathrooms. I am excited to get out of this slum house, but the new place was his parents's house, so it has a certain weirdness factor. Another bonus is that since we're moving it gives me an excuse to force him to get rid of some of the junk he has been pack-ratting for years. I will be glad to get rid of things and move into a house where I get to be selective about what is made visible. I don't deal well with excessive clutter. My sister thinks this stems from a desire to be in control of things. To some extent I know she's right, but as far as their own personal comfort goes everyone has their limit. For some people it comes down to white gloving for dust. For me it's just a matter of having a place to put things, when I have no space to put things and they start piling up in corners I tend to reach the point of being uncomfortable in my surroundings. This is going to become much more apparent to Aaron once we have a baby in the house. I am not a baby safety freak, I don't use safety latches (except for the cats, who enjoy playing in the cupboards) and really don't bother with most of the obsessive baby-proofing stuff many parents depend on. I kind of prefer to actually watch my kids and when I can't watch them I keep them locked up, or unconscious (i.e. in a playpen or napping). But when things are piled haphazardly in corners I have concerns about baby safety. Hopefully he'll learn to keep his stuff put away or I will have to seriously chew him out.

Anyway, I suppose this is an adequate update on things with me for the time being. Undoubtedly I will be posting more frequently now as I'm pacing the house waiting for nine months to be over. Besides, I will have to post a pic of my wedding dress that I may never fit in again. *sigh*

Let The Sun Shine

2007-04-20T08:44:00.000-07:00

I know you've all given up on me ever posting again.
I know that I've been horribly lax about keeping up with things.

It didn't seem fair though. To write every day about my WoW playing, and about how we were still struggling to make it through each day. To write about the electricity being shut off because we couldn't pay the bill on time, and cashing in bottles and cans for gas money. When I moved here it was supposed to be for a better life, one that gave me time and resources to care for Mina, and for myself for once. It didn't quite work out that way. In the end though, it's almost best that things went so utterly haywire last year. It has given Aaron and I a chance to bond through thick and thin... mostly thin. We've both been given a priceless opportunity to see the other at their worst, when they are hopeless and frustrated, scared and alone. I can't speak for him, but for me this year of hard times has opened up sides of him that I didn't know existed and given me a refreshing look at who he is and what makes him tick. It has given me the chance to look honestly at what I've gotten myself into, and to recognize that if this is the whole package after the bows have been stripped off... it's still exactly what I want. Even at his most frustrated he has never yelled at me, never been violent or aggressive in any way. At his most melancholy he has let humor reach him and bring him back. He's proving to me every day that what I see in him is what is really there, not just a figment of my own hopes.
The reason I'm posting now? Because life is no longer solely focussed on overdue bills and survival. He finally got the promotion he so richly deserves after months of late night phone calls to fix work issues, and working overtime, and not even having the energy or initiative to stay positive. After all this he's reached his goal. The promotion came with a raise that has left us comfortable, and after the tax returns came in we were finally flush with no debts on him, and enough spare to take care of a few things we have been wanting. My debts are still out there, but I'm not panicking, I have set them aside for a year while we handled everything else, they can be set aside for another year if need be to give us room to breathe.

I have now become the pampered housewife. Job hunting is no longer a necessity, which will make it easier on my self-esteem as every turn-down won't come as a blow to our stability. Finding work is now more a matter of finding something to do with myself when I'm bored. Aaron has a tendency to want to spoil me horribly, and just coming out of this frightening place where we came so close to losing everything and were forced into cabin fever from not having the funds to leave the house I am glad for some of the spoiling. Going to movies, getting a hotel room and hitting the Portland bars for a night, these were nice. But he's back to his old self again, getting tickets to George Carlin in May, planning trips to California for BlizzCon, and a trip to the Gathering... I love being spoiled, but I need to start putting the brakes to his spending soon, start setting aside for my debts to get taken care of, and for the possibility of an emergency.
My mom says I need to stop ignoring my own wants and needs and let him spoil me, but I fear the day when he begins to resent that he spent so much on me and feels that I'm undeserving of it. He was giddy last night when I told him I would accept his birthday gift to me (laser hair removal) and it's steep price tag. Telling me that he wants to spend money on me and pamper me, and that he wants me to feel good about myself. Hair removal might take away the cause of some of my insecurities about my physical appearance, but I feel good about myself anyway when I'm with him, because he loves me enough to care that I feel good.
How did I get so lucky? Where did I magically find this man who is so right for me? It just makes me crazy that I didn't see it sooner, that I didn't recognize that my Egils drinking buddy was the one man who would love me and take care of me better than anyone else could? I just keep kicking myself for the eight years that I could have spent with him and saved us both a lot of heartache.

Pic for my homies.

2006-12-25T22:49:00.000-08:00

Me and Aaron. :)

Dear Secret Santa Sender:

2006-12-20T23:31:00.000-08:00

Thank you so much for the gift.
I am blissfully vanilla scented, and my tree is positively overwhelmed by it's own glory this year.

I love that all my ornaments have a story. I love that I can look at them and remember when they were bought or given, and who gave them. I still have my lovely balls with the photos inside from Chep and the little piggies too. (Surprisingly they survived the move with no casualties, thank god). The music box ornaments from when Mina was 4, and the little stuffed cow ornament from when she was 2 and wouldn't quit playin with the tree. Each one has a memory attached to it, and the new ones will join in that legacy. Now I have ornaments from Iowa and Missouri! :)

The bath items were wonderful and had to be used immediately. I do need to spend some more time pampering myself, and I plan on starting today.

Thank you so much Lori.

xoxo

Dear Secret Santa Receptor:

2006-12-20T23:22:00.000-08:00

I must apologize for my tardiness in selecting and delivering your gift. I was quite glad to have gotten your name as I read your blog regularly and feel that I know your likes and dislikes fairly well. However, I have as yet been unable to locate/afford any of the several perfect gift ideas that I creatively developed. In other words, I've had some great ideas for ya, but the shopping selection out here sucks ass.

So, I am writing now to alert you that your gift will most likely be late in arriving, but will undoubtedly be absolutely spectacular... if I can ever find it.

Don't panic. If it isn't there by Christmas day you can simply think of it as a New Year's gift instead.

P.S. What the heck is wrong with the world that no one sells Christmas spatulas anymore? ;)

Sincerely,

Your Not-So-Good-At-Keeping-A-Secret Santa

Zilla is Right

2006-12-04T00:01:00.000-08:00

she posted about how having a no-longer-private blog changes everything. It does. When I started writing I didn't explain things, I just got lost in flow of consciousness style expression. Then people started reading, and I got to know them, and I changed to a story-telling style that allowed me to explain things to those who haven't been a part of my life forever. Then the next thing I knew I was dating someone who read my blog and I started to censor it further without even realizing it, so that I wouldn't reveal things he didn't want revealed, so that I wouldn't hurt any feelings or give away my own secrets. Not that I have many mind you.

At this point there's nothing really left to write about. I think I need to go back to the original flow of consciousness writing that I enjoy so much. My words make more sense when I don't stop to adjust them so I won't upset anyone.
I remember talking on my blog once about how I sometimes felt like Julia Roberts in Runaway Bride when I was dating. I forget what I like and dislike and start changing to suit the person I'm with. I haven't done that this time. At least I don't think I have. Mags is still the best boyfriend ever. Things have been tough lately since I still haven't found work, and he's been working his ass off on a new project. He's stressed out and cranky, always tired, and I feel sorry for him. He takes it pretty well, but it does show. He smiles less, laughs less, and flirts with me much less. I just hope things smooth over and settle down in January, after the holidays and when the project slows down and settles into a more steady pace.
I'm trying to hold it together but in all honesty it's been a tough few months, and we are struggling to keep our heads above water right now.
Mina is loving her teacher still, she's doing great in school, but there's a boy on the bus who keeps harassing her and she comes home in tears most days.
I've told her to tell the bus driver, the principal, the kid himself about what's going on and that she wants him to stop but nothing seems to make much difference. I may have to step in and go to the principal myself. Her report card should come back this week and I'm looking forward to seeing excellent marks all over it. Her teacher says she's really great in school, but tends to have trouble expressing her feelings when something is bothering her.

My mom came down for thanksgiving, as much of a pain in the ass as it was to go get her and take her back, it was worth it to get to spend some time with her. I got to make dinner for all of us. It was so different from the last few years and making Thanksgiving dinner for just the two of us, it felt like we were a real family instead of just little old me and my kid. My sister had my dad over for dinner with her, since he was all alone too.
My sister is probably the closest to me as far as my relatives go, she's been doing so much though that she still hasn't come up to see me since I moved, and she's never met Mags either. When she called the other day she said she was thinking of coming up soon. I hope she does, I get to feeling really isolated up here sometimes, like no one comes to visit because they've forgotten me. I wonder if my brother feels the same way, he's been living in San Jose for years and since Mom moved north he's been down there all alone. In Eugene I was right in the middle of everything, my friends, family, they called a lot more often, they stopped in to visit just because they were in the neighborhood. I really miss that now. I want to see my sister, and my brother who I havent' seen since Mina was about five. Angie is getting worried that she won't meet Mags until our wedding day, she's very concerned that I may end up getting married to some jerk and she'd be the last to know. She knows better though, I'd never get that involved with someone who didn't treat me right. Besides, if we did get married I'd make sure to invite her to the Bachelorette party. :)

Anyway, it's late and my stream of consciousness just took a turn for the worst, so I shall bid you all (those who still read this at least) farewell until next time.

Vocabulous!

2006-11-13T23:17:00.000-08:00

Your Vocabulary Score: A

Congratulations on your multifarious vocabulary!

You must be quite an erudite person.

How's Your Vocabulary?

Slip of the Tongue

2006-10-24T08:52:00.000-07:00

Last night as we were dozing off I started babbling about how if Aaron were perfect he wouldn't be perfect for me. It's what I do, I babble when I'm going to sleep, especially when I realize that it's been a while since I've let him know how much I appreciate him and how happy I am to be with him. Sometimes it pays to feed their egos :).
And he, half asleep, muttered "...yeah, you married me for my money.." to which I laughed and said that I hadn't married him yet.
That woke him up. He realized he'd just drifted off enough to start dreaming when he'd said that, and had dreamed that we were married. Was it a good dream? or a nightmare?

We may never know. :)

I've been a bit lonely lately, I'm missing my friends and family a lot. Luckily, I'm gonna head down to Eugene to visit this weekend, maybe it'll help me get over my homesickness a bit.
Very difficult being torn between the home, friends, and family you've depended on so much before, and the man you love and want to be with. Not like he's keeping me prisoner or anything, just that he's here, and everyone else is down there.
I thought it would be easier to make friends and build the same kind of community here, but it hasn't been. I don't have much interaction with others because we are in the middle of nowhere and I don't really have a good reason to go anywhere but home, the gas station and the store. Awfully hard to meet people and develop friendships in the grocery store. The people that I do know here are great, but live to far away for it to make sense to spend much time with them. I'm trying, I'm sure the change in season has a lot to do with my attitude of isolation right now, I just hope it passes.

Who Watched South Park Last night?

2006-10-05T08:38:00.000-07:00

I did.
normally i don't watch south park, but there was a big hub-bub about how they were doing a World of Warcraft episode, so I left my computer to go and watch it. It was great, totally hilarious. and very realistic. That's exactly what gamers are like, and exactly what the game is like. They even used the WoW "speak" that I read so often in the chat channels and hear on Teamspeak. At one point they mention an equipment piece that actually exists in the game and list it's stats... someone looked it up and saw that they got the stats right. It was very cool to see them do a show about the game. We don't have uber elite players that kill everyone tho, unless they are pwning noobs on pvp servers. But everyone does that.

Anyway, just wanted to say 2 thumbs up for Matt and Trey, for another delightful episode. :)

Boggled

2006-10-03T09:54:00.000-07:00

Does any else ever get this?

I make a list, I am a list maker, I love lists. Grocery lists, chore lists, project lists, lists of things I need to get, need to do, want to do, etc. Where was I? Oh, I make a list in my head of all the things that need to get done. But the list is so long, I don't know where to start, so I take care of the easy stuff, the stuff that absolutely has to get done. But I end up so daunted by the rest of the list that I have trouble getting to it, I find ways to avoid it instead. I saturate myself in the daily stuff, and never get to the big stuff.

So this is my list, it's jumbled and scattered because I'm jumbled and scattered, some are things I want to do, some are things I should do, and some are things I HAVE to do.

Clean the house (basic cleaning)
Go through each room in depth and scrub, and clear out, clean out the closets, the drawers, the little corners where crap gets stashed because you don't know what else to do with it.
Recaulk the bathroom.
Paint the walls, in some rooms.
Fix my computer.
Take out the trash (every tuesday).
Wash the dishes (every day)
Do laundry (once or twice a week)
Finish my book
Work on crochet projects
Look for a job
Get Mina to school every day, and her homework done on time
Make dinner every night
Plan her birthday, Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas
Do yardwork
Get the back porch cleared off, including a run to the dump
Clean the catbox (every other day)
Feed and water the cats
Keep the fish tank clean, and occasionally remember to feed the fish.
Do the grocery shopping, make a meal plan for the month
Budget my roughly $30 -$60 a week in child support to cover for extra stuff like a new coat and shoes for Mina.
Play WoW (I have several lists for my wow toons too, what stuff they need to get, how much it'll cost them, etc.)
Blog
Keep in touch with all my friends and family
Watch Grey's Anatomy and Desperate Housewives with Bonnie
Check the mail, and groan at the number of overdue bills I have coming in.

And, there are always new, unexpected things being added to the list. Like returning Aaron's mom's van to her, and finding a dentist and making an appointment for each of us.
It's very overwhelming. I get overwhelmed and I avoid doing things, then get depressed that I didn't get anything done, and am still overwhelmed because it's all still there waiting for me to get to it.

Does this happen to you? Am I just a freak?

product review- the good, the bad, and the ugly

2006-10-03T09:33:00.000-07:00

I am terribly disappointed in Mr.Clean. I thought he was my friend and that he' dbe there for when I needed him. Instead he has let me down.

I bought the Mr. Clean Magic Eraser (Heavy Duty), because I intended to scrub down the bath and shower walls, and recaulk the whole thing. Make it nice and shiny and pretty. I took out the magic eraser, I wetted it, and started scrubbing. Mind you, we have hard well water here, so there was some serious mineral buildup in the bath, but I thought that a tough guy like Mr. Clean could handle it. I was wrong. While the eraser did do a great job on the hard water deposits, and the soap scum, it wore out after the first wall and the fixtures. You can actually tell now that the fixtures are stainless steel and not stalactites, but the spongey thing didn't get much further than that. It stopped being effective long before the job was done. So now, I either have to do it the hard way, scrubbing with a regular sponge, or go out and buy lots more magic erasers... I think 8-10 would be adequate to finish the tub. Of course, then there's the rest of the bathroom to consider....

This sucks.
Mr. Clean, you suck!
Why couldn't you make something cool like that that would last till the job is done?!

So I am going to give it up for a while, see how it looks when it dries, if it's worth buying more of them. Or maybe it'd be more worthwhile to go get a heavy duty bottle of Scrubbing Bubbles and some steel wool.

I'm gonna die anyway, might as well know what to expect

2006-10-02T08:39:00.000-07:00

You scored as Gunshot. Your death will be by gunshot, probably because you are some important person or whatever. Possibly a sniper, nice, quick, clean shot to the head. Just beautiful.

Bomb

73%

Gunshot

73%

Natural Causes

73%

Disappear

67%

Suicide

53%

Stabbed

53%

Suffocated

47%

Cut Throat

33%

Disease

33%

Posion

33%

Drowning

27%

Eaten

27%

Accident

13%

How Will You Die??
created with QuizFarm.com

I Wanted to Start My Own Internet Religious Movement

2006-09-26T09:32:00.000-07:00

No really, I did.

I had an IDEA. It started wtih me realizing that I wanted to stay home and get to work from home, we need the income of me working, but commuting, child care, and missing out on time at home with Mina are a pain to deal with. I want to help people though. And I want to use my studies in Anthropology in my work.
So I thought, "Why not start an internet religious movement?".
I could stay home and work through the web, my Dad (god bless his crazy anti-disestablishmentarian heart)suggested online counseling, but i'm not a licensed counselor and i'm sure there are regulations about that, and lawsuits are not fun.
But then I thought, people go to their pastors and other religious leaders for counseling and advice all the time, they aren't licensed, they are just ordained.

I'm ordained.

I could start a religious movement via the internet that would work like a blog, in which I would regularly post inspirational thoughts, advice on life, reading suggestions for exploring spirituality, and other such stuff. It would be donation based, and I wouldn't make anyone drink the Kool-Aid. I think it's a great idea, if people will send Pat Roberts money to tell them that they're gonna go to hell, then they should send me money to tell them to be kind to others and the kindness will be returned in full.
Trouble is, I can't seem to get it up and going. I haven't had the creative genius to really start on it.

I should be working on it instead of blogging here, oh well, I'll get to it someday. What do you guys think? Is it a good idea? Or not? Would you be willing to donate to a religious movement that was internet based?
Would you be interested in exploring a religion that was based on acceptance of all forms of worship and understanding and respecting the variety of spirituality in the world?

I'd love some feedback here guys.

Crazy is as crazy does

2006-09-19T11:18:00.000-07:00

I've now been tagged 3 times for this one. Was kind of avoiding it since it's gonna take some brain power, but I can't refuse three people. so I'm just gonna wing it.

1… Things that scare me

* Having my face covered
* Being alone
* Failure
* Bugs
* Flicking a cigarette out the window and having it blow back in and burn me, done that a few times.. learned my lesson tho.
* Mina getting hurt (the only nigthmares I have anymore involve her getting hurt). They're horrible.

2…People who make me laugh

* All my favorite bloggers. They also make me cry, and smile, and frown.
* My sister
* My kid
* Aaron
* My WoW guild members
* Sasha, my cat
* Me, I make myself laugh all the time, it's good for the soul

3…Things I hate the most

* Mean people
* Bad drivers, including all Portland traffic
* People who patronize me
* The war
* Close-mindedness
* Users
* Hardware failures
* Being cold

4…Things I don’t understand

* Why we all can't just get along
* The lack of tolerance in the world
* How to program the VCR
* Why college has to cost so much /sigh
* My kid
* 42

5…Things I’m doing right now

* Drinking coffee
* Taking a break from WoW
* Thinking about doing more laundry
* Wishing there were more hours in the day and that I had the energy to do more in them
* Thanking my stars that school has started and Mina's out learning and plying with other kids instead of in the house moping about because she doesn't have any friends.
* Prodding my shiny new purple bruise
* Slouching
* Smoking
* Wriggling, cuz my butt hurts from sitting too long

6…Things I want to do before I die

* Leave the country, don't care where, don't care for how long
* Finally have enough money and time to be able to say yes to things instead of always saying no.
* Become a better goal setter (stolen from Zilla)
* Have another kid
* Help people

7… Things I can do

* Write a letter that will make its recipient feel extremely comforted, loved, and calm :)
* Change my oil, frame a door, and lay tile
* Find humor in most anything
* Read for 3 days straight
* Forgive, and forget
* Take it apart and put it back together again, correctly
* Show up on time
* Give
* I can still sit in the full lotus position, after several years of no yoga

8… Ways to describe my personality

* Thoughtful
* Astute
* Honest
* Alway a pick-me-up, kinda like a venti mocha latte on a cold morning.
* Flexible
* Rather boring actually
* Attention whore
* Naive

9… Things I can’t do

* Ride a motorcycle
* Dance, at all
* Sit in a chair properly, it's impossible
* Be perfect
* Keep a secret

10…Things I think you should listen to

* Your heart
* The rain
* The people who love you
* Cats purring, it's so peaceful
* Yoda, he is wise in the ways of the force
* Michael Buble, and KT Tunstall

11…Things you should never listen to

* The news
* Zealots
* Bigots
* Your fears

12…Things I’d like to learn

* Everything!

13…Favorite foods

* Jalapeno Poppers
* Corned beef, especially in Reuben sandwiches
* Sushi
* Peaches right off the tree
* Strawberies right off the bush (is it a bush? or just a plant? or maybe a shrub?)
* The Taco Bell Grilled Stuft Burritos, I don't know why, but I love them
* The Glenwood's Tomato Cheese Soup (good memories)
* Greek food

14…Beverages I drink regularly

* Coffee
* Water
* Apple/Orange juice
* Pepsi
* Chai tea

15…Shows I watched as a kid

* The Simpsons
* Duck Tales
* Ren and Stimpy
* Reading Rainbow

On a scale of 1 to 10, was this mildly entertaining?

I'm not sure if there's anyone left to tag for this, so I'll just leave it at everyone's discretion whether or not they'd like to do it. (that means you Des, and Tammi)

My Favorite Holiday

2006-09-19T08:52:00.000-07:00

It's that time of year again.

International Talk Like A Pirate Day!

Everyone make sure to use your pirate lingo today, make the most of this fabulous holiday.

The Cutting Edge

2006-09-19T08:39:00.000-07:00

Kim is trying to kill me, but in a very good way. She intvited me and Mina to go ice skating with her and her son. The last time I went ice skating I was 5.

I was actually doing far better than I expected, hadn't fallen at all. I stayed up for about an hour before the previously unused muscles in my hips, knees and ankles decided that they'd had quite enough and just didn't want to play anymore. My legs were so weak they couldn't hold the skates straight and down I went... several times.
Kim's right though. When you ice skate it makes you feel pretty, and graceful, up until the falling on your ass part. I have to admit I haven't gotten that good of a workout since I stopped taking my yoga classes.

I was very worried that after driving for an hour to get there, Mina would get on the ice, fall down and either hurt herself badly or want to go home. Intead, I was surprised to find that she is a natural. She stepped on the ice, held the wall for all of thirty seconds then just kinda took off. She started falling after a while too, just because of muscle weakness. I think with a little practice though she could get pretty good at it. Kim's already bugging me to go do it again, I figure once the bruises on our knees heal up we'll be ready for another round.
But, I'm pretty proud of myself, my initial instinct when she asked us to go was to say no. It's something new, and I don't usually like to embarass myself by doing new things and failing at them. But, I went ahead and did it, and I had fun. Therefore I shall do it again, until it isn't fun anymore.

Bargle Fargle Grmph

2006-09-12T08:37:00.000-07:00

All World of Warcraft servers are down today. They are doing a hardware upgrade of some type to handle the expansion that's coming out soon. The cool thing is that when the expansion comes out the maximum level that can be reached will go from 60 to 70. This means that the areas that are still out-of-reach for small guilds like mine (such as 20 man instances) will be open for 10 or even 5 man groups. That will be super cool since right now it's very rare that we can get 10 guildies online at the same time, let alone 20.
Anyway, sorry, I'm kind of excited about it because it's going to open up all sorts of play opportunities.

However, I am not amused that the servers are down right now.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch...
Dad's place is coming along nicely, all the new double-paned insulated windows are in the downstairs rooms now. My sister went out last weekend and helped get the drywall hung in the master bedroom, and on the ceiling of the living room. It still needs to be taped and spackled, and finally painted, but at least it's up and the beams and rafters aren't showing anymore.
Plus, there are no giant holes in the walls. Always a good thing since the rainy season is coming on fast. However, Dad discovered after digging out the mud along the side of the house (from a landslide 10 years back) that the joist holding up that side of the house is terribly rotten. This is not good. And because of the rotten joist, when the washing machine runs it shakes the house quite a bit, including the flexible metal pipe for the gas line.
Dad's really concerned about this. I am too, but I kinda figure that after 10 years of rotting, and shaking, if that pipe hasn't started a fire yet, it's probably not going to. Best to just stick with finishing the tasks we already have onour plate rather than adding to them.
The house is very very old, and hasn't always been well cared for. I kind of expected to find worse damage than this when we started, and have been pleasantly surprised by how sturdy it really is. They really knew how to build them back then.

In other news... I have been really irritable lately. Everything annoys me, and I've started tearing up over little stuff that wouldn't usually bother me. I think it's time to get off the pill. I just don't like how hyper-emotional it makes me. I don't like being snippy with everyone, and feeling depressed and unhappy. I was hoping I'd be okay, but I've definitely noticed the difference. So back to less pleasant forms of birth control for the time being. Sometimes I wonder if birth control isn't the root of many women's irritability, all those men who complain that their wives/girlfriends are so moody and easily annoyed... maybe it's not just the women themselves, maybe they're perfectly calm normal people who have problems due to their birth control. I know for a fact that I'm moodier when on it, and a huge proportion of the population is on some sort of birth control.

Book Meme

2006-09-10T10:55:00.000-07:00

Think the shoe meme post caught Zilla's attention. She tagged me for two memes. :)

1) A book that changed my life: Ishmael by Daniel Quinn. Most definitely stirred my interest in anthropology, and changed the way I see the world.

2) A book that I've read more than once: How many can I do? Ireread a lot of romance novels, they're all basically the same anyway. But the book I've reread the most times (roughly 15) is Ariel by Steven R. Boyett. Gotta be my favorite book ever.

3) A book I'd take to a deserted island: Hmm, probably either a Dickens novel of some type, because by the time I actually finished it I would be rescued, or Shogun by James Clavell, because it's longer than any Dickens novel but much more entertaining.

4) A book that made me laugh: How about a whole series? The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams.

5) A book that made me cry: Alot of books have made me cry, but I think the one that made me cry the most was A Summer to Die by Judy Blume? or was it Lois Lowry?... anyway, one of those young girls' literature writers.

6) A book I wish had been/would hurry up and get written: The next Harry Potter book. I am totally addicted to Harry Potter, the movies are crap compared to the books.

7) A book that should never have been written: um, there is no book that Ican think of that should never have been written, if a book dealt with a subject that I found distasteful, then I have to give it credit for showing that I found it distasteful. If a book was just badly written, at least I learned what bad writing was from it. If it was just plain stupid, then at least there's something out there for stupid people to read. Every book has a purpose. (If I have to choose one, I'd say the Anarchist's Cookbook, simply because people have chosen to misuse it).

8) A book I'm currently reading: While I usually am reading between 2 and 4 books at any given time, right now I am only reading one (because I finished the shamanism book) Kushiel's Avatar by Jacqueline Carey.

9) A book I'm planning to read/I've procrastinated finishing: Ya know, I'm not really sure, I haven't procrastinated reading anything lately, not since I finished reading London: The Novel by Edward Rutherford (took well over a year to read that one). And I've read everything in the house that I have any interest in... so I guess my next read will be whatever pops up next.

10) Who I'm tagging next: (participation is always optional) Des, Tammi, and Jenn.

meme time

2006-09-06T23:10:00.000-07:00

My Personality


Neuroticism	40
Extraversion	29
Openness To Experience	55
Agreeableness	74
Conscientiousness	66

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Death of a Crazy Man

2006-09-04T09:52:00.000-07:00

Just wanted to take a moment to honor the memory of a great, and totally insane, man.
Steve Irwin, also known as the Crocodile Hunter, passed away the other day. In a freak accident he was stabbed through the chest by a sting ray barb while filming a conservation documentary. He is survived by his wife Terry, a Eugene area native, and his two children, Bindi and Bob.
There are a lot of things that could be said about Steve, both good and bad, but the most important thing to remember about him is that he was a man who showed no fear till the very end. He worked hard and put his life on the line, not just to provide for his family, but also to provide for his REAL family, the zoo. He made it possible for the Australia Zoo to not only continue operations, but to grow and thrive, and help even more animals in need of sanctuary.
If nothing more could be said about him, at least everyone has to admit that he was dedicated to his home, the Australia Zoo. And the world can always use more dedicated people.

So, in honor of Steve, I request that people please use an Aussie accent whenever possible and appropriate today, and make sure to say "Crikey!" a lot.

PleaseForgiveme

2006-09-02T01:51:00.000-07:00

My spacebarisbroken,some timesit works, sometimes itdoesn't.

But I wantedtopost tonight,soyou'llhavetobearwithme.
Jencalledthis morning becauseshe foundapersonal ad on craigslist. Someone was lookingfor me. Veryspecifically. Anyway, Icaughtup totheperson, and itturns out it'smy old friend Angel,whom Ihaven'tseen sinceMina wasborn practically. She just movedback up toEugene, andthought ofme.

I referred her to my blog, becauseit's just too hard to explaineverythingthat's happenedin the past8 years viae-mails, especially witha brokenspacebar. :)

Hopefully I'llhaveachancetovisitwith her atsomepoint tho.

so everyonesay HI toAngel, andwelcome herto theblog.

Left Out of the Shoe Fetish, This is My Vengence

2006-08-20T00:14:00.000-07:00

I did not get tagged for the shoe Meme.
I did not get tagged for the shoe Meme.

Fine, I understand, I haven't been there for you recently, so did not get tagged for the shoe meme. All perfectly understandable.

Instead, since I did not get tagged for the shoe meme, I will offer my own shoe meme.

Two pics, five pairs of shoes.
Which one do I where the most?
Which ones do I love the most?
Which ones do I work in (when I have a job)?
Which ones are very much NOT me?
And, the challenge, which ones show who I want to be most?

My personality via my shoes... I kinda like this. Plus, it's more fun to make you all guess, than to give away the answers. :)

hmm, except that the computer isn't giving me my pics... gotta work on that.

Ah, that's better.

Quick descriptions since the pics aren't that great. White skater-style sneakers, very comfy. And black medium heeled slip-ons with a square toe, not so comfy, but not bad if you aren't on your feet all day.

Left to right. Black mid-calf suede boots with mid-level heel, heavy, but very comfortable and warm. Black pleather high heeled boots, knee height, with pointy toes and pointy heels. And lastly, $2 Wal-Mart flip-flops, made of some kind of foam, in a pink flower pattern.

Good luck contestants, I look forward to hearing your opinions on which of these pairs of shoes is which.

Shamanism Revealed

2006-08-18T11:40:00.000-07:00

During a recent chat conversation with Brian aka Flufy, we got on to discussing religion and he revealed that he felt himself msot connected to the shamanistic religious perspective. We all know I'm a freak for information, especially what most people would consider trivia. So I said, "I don't know enough about shamanism, you must send me books to read about it!". And he did. So, once I've finished the political fantasy I'm in the midst of, I shall be delving into the world of shamanism. I have become curious about it because while the 80s and 90s saw a dramatic increase in interest in Wicca and other Euro-Asian pagan religions, the current decade seems to be turning the tide even further away from Judo-Christian faiths by leaning into learning about tribal religions such as shamanism. I may have to loan him Ishmael, since it is a book that discusses our civilizations run from mother earth into the arms of commerce. But for now I will learn about shamanism by reading "Shamanism as a Spiritual Practice for Daily Life" and "Urban Shaman: A Handbook for Personal and Planetary Transformation Based on the Hawaiian Way of the Adventurer". They both look very interesting and I look forward to learning something new about a religion that I have never really explored.

Misery Loves Company

2006-08-18T00:52:00.000-07:00

I'm up in the middle of the night again. I don't think I'm sick, just not well. I think I'm suffering caffeine withdrawal to the extreme. My head, neck, and face ache, and I'm slightly nauseous, kinda like a migraine, but less so. All I've wanted to do all day is sleep. Yet, now that it's time for bed I doze off to bad dreams, and wake up, and can't get back to sleep. If it is just withdrawal it should end by tomorrow, usually doesn't last more than 24 hours.

Uh-oh, I"m caught, my typing must ahve woken him up. Time to go toss and turn some more. Night.

You were lost and gone forever, dreadful sorry, Clementine

2006-08-10T11:38:00.000-07:00

With the loss of my motherboard, and having to switch to using Mina's computer for the duration, I'm afraid I've also lost all of my bookmarks. Just today I finally popped in on a few of my favorite bloggers and re-bookmarked their pages. It may take a while to get everyone's blogs back on my list. Feel free to leave me a comment so I can track back to your page and mark it. I'm sad that I've missed so much, and shall try to catch up soon.

pics

2006-08-09T09:06:00.000-07:00

True Dreaming

2006-08-09T08:50:00.000-07:00

I had an eye-opening dream the other night.

In my dream, I came home from my trip to Dad's and Aaron said he had a surprise for me, he had rearranged the office so we would have more space. He was very proud of himself for coming up with a creative solution to the cramped office space. Yet, before he even opened the door to show me, I was formulating all these reasons in my head why it wouldn't work and had to be put back the way it was before. Then he opened the door and showed me and I was right, it was completely unsuitable because he had turned the office into a deck, with walls around it, but only the half that his computer desk was in had a roof, my side was open air. And my desk was very far away from his so that if we watched a movie on his computer I'd have to get up and go sit over at his comp to see it, plus he added big cushy chairs in front of his comp, while my chair was the same stiff office chair as always.
I felt very uncomfortable that things had been changed. I felt like even though he tried to do something nice for me, all he ended up doing was making me uncomfortable and improving his own situation.
It was weird. I woke up thinking that it was so typical of me to have someone do something nice for me and it just making me uncomfortable, and how I was always so stubborn and had such a hard time with change, unless it was my idea to make the change. I was disappointed in myself for already having come up with several reasons it wouldn't do, before he even opened the door.

It was a very true dream, and very frustrating to know it was true, and not know how to change that part of me that has such a difficult time with change and accepting a good deed done for my sake.

Carpenter Extraordinnaire

2006-08-09T08:20:00.000-07:00

Last week I went back out to Dad's house.
I am very proud of myself and yet very concerned as well. I'm proud because with a little insider knowledge from my dad and my nephew who have both done some carpentry (I think) I, framed out and hung a new door. :) I am very impressed with myself since this sort of carpentry goes far beyond the type of remodeling I am used to doing. I measured thrice and cut once, just to be sure. I single-handedly contrived to do a double-header door frame, and did it so that it even matched the picture in the DIY handbook I used as a reference. Taijha did all the cutting of wood, because I still have a healthy fear of power tools, and would prefer to keep all my digits in place. We also built and stained from our own mental design a brand new cedar deck outside the new door. My sister and my dad put in one the new energy efficient windows too. Angie was very proud of her new window too. We don't often get to do this sort of thing, so when we do, we are always a bit startled to see what we are capable of.
I will post a pic of the door and deck soon, although I took the pic before they were completely finished.

I am concerned however. I am concerned by the fact that my dad was having such a difficult time focussing on the problem in front of him (putting in the door) and working out a solution to how it should be done. He kept looking at it and not being able to follow his own calculations, getting halfway through figuring out how long to cut a board and then promptly forgetting what measurements he started with. Even more disturbing was cleaning out the attic, which needed to be done so that he could work on the wiring. It wouldn't seem disturbing to most people to see him clearing things out and throwing them away, you'd have to know him to understand why it's a frightening sight. My dad never throws anything away, he's constantly raiding garage sales for more junk to horde. He always buys things with a concept in his head that someday he'll use them for something, it's all part of this great unknown future plan of his that even he hasn't figured out yet. So the crap piles up in corners waiting for that future date when it will be used for something greater. To see him weed through it all and just toss boxes of stuff out to the trash, is like watching a stamp or coin collector throw away a box of their collectibles that they haven't sorted out yet. Even worse, it makes me think that; if he's getting rid of this stuff, then it means he no longer has an unknown future plan for it all. And maybe, that means he just doesn't have any future plans. Maybe he's stopped planning for the future and realized it's already here, and decided that this is it and there won't be a far-distant and yet unrealized future in which he will use this stuff. If that didn't make any sense to you then I will be more direct: maybe he's not expecting to be here in the future at all.
This is what has me so concerned.
It is highly circumspect and un-Dad-like behaviour to throw out his accumulated crap. But, on to more lightweight news. I highly suggest that Zilla read "Eats, Shoots and Leaves" by Lynn Truss. My sister loaned it to me, and I enjoyed it, and suspect that Zilla will as well since I know of her penchant for good punctuation. It is a book about punctuation, told in a very humorous and very British fashion.

Cheetahs Never Prosper

2006-07-28T13:29:00.000-07:00

After much delving into Wikipedia's vast cat knowledge, I will admit to the fact that my hypothesis on cat ears is bullshit. :)

Lynxes across the planet all have pointy ears, and leopards in africa have somewhat pointed ears.

In the end I was mistaken in finding an evolutionary line based on ear shape and inside wil correct it by saying that ear shape is most likely a survival based determinant. in other words, ear shape is defined by the environment in which the cat lives, and in some way has affected it's survivability in that environment. Much the way variations in camouflage affect survival.

So why do housecats all have pointy ears? Is it that they never needed to develop variations in ear shape to survive?

Trouble Sleeping

2006-07-28T10:53:00.000-07:00

I had trouble sleeping the other night.
Because I had a question running circles in my brain.
Do cheetahs have round ears or pointed?

It circled around, adding to itself, and getting more complicated.
If cheetahs have round ears, and so do tigers, and lions and they are all old world cats... then do all new world cats like bobcats, lynxes, ocelots, leopards, panthers, jaguars, etc. have pointy ears?
If so then new world cats=pointy eared and old world cats=round-eared. Right?
In which case, domestic cats would have been bred from new world cats, because they have pointy ears. So how did they end up in Egypt? They were in egypt long before the new world was discovered.

Evolution has always fascinated me. See if you can figure it out. :)
(Or just let it keep you up at night)

Life Gets in the Way

2006-07-28T10:23:00.000-07:00

i know I've promised to blog more, but life gets in the way.
I'm going back to my dad's this weekend to help put the house back together after all the demolition we did last time.
I get to hang drywall, and lay flooring. My sister will be there, and my nephew, and my half-sister is coming down to help too. It's gonna be a lot like an old-fashioned barn raising. The whole family coming together to help.
Not too many families these days are like that, many people are too caught up in their own lives or have too many issues with their family members to get together for anything but the requisite holiday gathering, and most don't even do that it seems. It makes me glad that for all our differences and issues, my family still comes together to help each other out.
As corny as it sounds, it's a blessing.
Dad said he'd pay me for the work, I don't know how much but at least enough to be able to cover the cost of the trip, and hopefully to pay off a debt or two.
They keep building up, and despite the fact that I try to put it out of my mind and carry on, they are weighing me down and stressing me out.
Anyway, I will try to keep things updated, but for now I need to deal with life.

Another One Bites the Dust

2006-07-23T12:11:00.000-07:00

My computer bit the dust the other day.
I still ahven't figured out what's wrong with it, it's still not quite right. But, after much Frankensteining it is at least somewhat functional again.
I can post, I can read posts. I can't play WoW yet, but I'm working on that.
I can also read my e-mail.
Yes, Segue, I know I haven't been posting much and I hope to return to the days of daily posting soon, but since I spend much of my day sitting in the office, not interacting with others or doing much of anything, I find it hard to become creative about my day and want to share it with everyone.
Oddly, I don't mind that my days are so uneventful, it's a far cry from the hectic life I was struggling to survive last summer, and I enjoy it. But, I do plan on becoming more loquacious in terms of my blog soon, I need to keep up with people and to get my brain back into action and out of hibernation.

Do You Know What Today Is?

2006-07-16T15:51:00.000-07:00

I'll give you a hint... look back one year from today in my blog posts... what happened? (actually, I didn't post on this day last year, it'll be under the 17th

Hard to believe it's already been a year, it went by so fast. So much has changed since then.
Wonder where I'll be in another year?
Wonder where you'll be?

Travel Time

2006-07-11T10:37:00.000-07:00

This is kind of a long story so I'm going to skim a bit.
About a month ago my dad went out to the coast for a weekend to visit Jackie (my stepmom). When her mom's husband died they began making arrangements for her mom to come live with them so she wouldn't be all by herself. Dad came home to get the spare room set up for her, and Jackie stayed in Southern Oregon to help with the burial and property arrangements.
Then, Jackie's mom decided to stay where she was, and keep her house, and Jackie decided to stay there too. I can understand how she feels, it gets very dull living out in the middle of nowhere rather quickly. But this put my dad in a pinch, and he has to make a decision about keeping up his relationship with Jackie or staying out at our house.
So... as I was saying he went to the coast to visit her for a bit and discuss what was going to happen. While he was there a pipe in the upstairs bathroom broke and flooded the entire house. He came home to a huge mess, and was forced to call in an insurance claim for the first time ever.

The insurance company sent out a "good cop, bad cop" team to assess the damage and determine his claim amount. They completely screwed him over. They wouldn't pay for the plumbing repairs that had caused the damage, and sent out some people to dehumidify the house to keep the damage from getting worse (this cost $3000). They went through and looked at damaged sheetrock and talked about only replacing the parts of it that were dmaged rather than the entire sheets. He called a local contractor and asked them to look it over and give him an estimate.. they said $35,000. The insurance company's contractor had suggested far more than that and was told to fuck off. In the end since he wouldn't go through their contractor it was assumed that we would do the work ourselves and he was awarded only $14,000.
So, after 14 years paying on home insurance without any claims, he got screwed over and was given less than enough to cover materials for the repairs. And his significant other was gone, and he was there to deal with this all on his own.
Needless to say, he is taking the insurance company to court. He also got very depressed very fast.

So he called on his kids and grandkids to come give him a hand.
I went down there, I tore out floors, and walls, and made dinner for all of us after we worked. The bottom storey of the house is completely stripped. There were termites, there was a black widow, I worried that after all that I'd never feel clean again. We got a lot done, but the house is at a standstill until he finds out if he has a court case, and if so can he still cash the $14,000 check to get started putting the house back together? or should he hold onto it until there is a settlement? I don't know these things. For the moment he is sitting in that empty house all alone, with no walls and no floors. Getting more depressed as time goes by. He has lost a lot of weight, and when I showed up he was limping around. When I asked why he was limping he said he fell down the stairs the other day, I think he broke his toe when he fell. I feel a horrible sense of dread thinking about him out there all by himself, what if next time he falls he breaks a leg? or his neck? I am okay with death, it's just a part of life. I am not okay with finding out that my dad died 6 weeks after the fact, when one of the distant neighbors finally smells his corpse and goes to see what happened. That scares me a lot.
I was very insistent with him that I don't really give a hoot what we do with the house, who lives in it, or if anyone lives in it, but he should not be out there alone anymore. It's not good for him, and it's not safe.

We have therefore been discussing our options in terms of the house. We won't sell it, at least I won't sell my half. Jackie is willing to let me buy her out of her half for $50,000. Yeah right, like I have that kind of money! Dad suggested we dig a well so it can be mortgaged, and I use the mortgage to buy out Jackie. Or we could just rent it out to someone until one of us kids wants to live in it.

It's a 5 bedroom, 2 bathroom country home on waterfront property. And after we put in the work on it it will have energy-efficient windows and insulation and a proper heat pump instead of the 1960s gas stove heater. Not a bad place really, it could rent for well over a thousand dollars a month.
I'm not sure what I want to do with it yet though. It's full of my parents's things, and has our family history held within it's 4 walls. It's rather hard to think of someone else living in there.
I wish one me or my siblings were in a position to live there. None of us is ready to relinquish our city lives though, or we are already tied up where we are and couldn't pay the bills if we moved out there.

It's a tough situation. I have considered asking my friend Gina about it, she has 3 kids, and works in Junction city which is not too far from the house, and she grew up out there, we went to high school together. I could rent it to her for less than she's paying in town, and she would take care of the place, and her kids could go to the same small school that we went to, I know she'd like that.
Honestly, I'd rather rent to someone I know for way less than market value than rent to someone I don't know for a lot more.

Anyway, that is the current predicament as far as the house goes. I also went to visit all my friends while I was in the area... but that's gonna have to be for another post.

Stuff to share

2006-07-10T00:01:00.000-07:00

Yes, I do have stuff to share, I swear it. But I'm not gonna share right now, it's late and I'm tired and I want to go to bed. For now I leave you with this bit of info stolen from my sweet sweet Zilla.

Find your own pose!

Segue has proven my point.

2006-06-28T18:16:00.000-07:00

LOL.
See? Green shoes just aren't cute on me. :P

LOL, Thanks Karina!

2006-06-27T18:21:00.001-07:00

After all these years, I still have a lot of fun playing dress-up. Spent quite a while today picking out the perfect outfit for my candybar doll.

I've always wanted to be the type of girl who could get away with wearing neon green pumps and a pink skirt... but it's just not me. /sigh

I will never become a citizen at this rate

2006-06-22T11:02:00.000-07:00

You Failed the US Citizenship Test

Oops, you only got 6 out of 10 right!

Could You Pass the US Citizenship Test?

Unbelievable

2006-06-21T11:13:00.000-07:00

My last post got an unbelievable amount of response, and here I'd thought that people had stopped reading.

This morning I went down to see my caseworker again. We went over my previous application and he showed me where I was lacking. Apparently I'm quite qualified. I just filled the app out like I would have for any other company... short, sweet, and to the point. Making my responses fit in the little box provided. The state works differently tho, they want you to fill the little box and even into the next box, and show every little detail of what you did.

I also believed the application when it said not to circle a skill if you didn't feel that you were 'proficient' at it. So I didn't circle the typing speed of 45-54 wpm. He said that was probably what killed me, and just to go ahead and circle it.

So, I will be spending some time circling things, and creatively writing out what I did in each of my previous jobs.
And we'll see what that gets me... hopefully a decent job.

The End of Days

2006-06-20T11:13:00.000-07:00

I was reading Karina's blog (which I am currently too brain dead to link to)today. She was talking about how we are pretty much useless as a society, in terms of survival, in the event that the civilized world crashed down around us.
i don't think that's entirely true tho. I think individually we might be, but as a whole there are an abundance of survival skills that we have and just don't realize it, mostly because we've never had a need to use them. Like, starting a fire. I'm pretty sure I can do it, I understand the chemistry involved. You need air, fuel, and heat. Voila`! You have fire. But, I've never actually done it because it's just easier to light a match or lighter. I learned how to do it from watching Castaway and Survivor. The TV has taught me something useful after all.

I also have a good idea how to card and spin wool into thread. I need a lot more practice to get good at it but I understand how it's done. Once I have thread, I can knit or crochet a lot of things. (Although, sadly, not a sock) The point is that we probably all have some sort of useful survival 'knowledge', if not the actual 'skills', and that knowledge when applied will become skill. We just don't apply it. I am a gardener, and have a good idea of what plants are dangerous and what are beneficial, I also know there are some people out there who can brew beer... which means they can also given the right tools, create distilled alcohol, a good disinfectant. Or distilled water. There are people who can make tools, nails, hooks, hinges... blacksmithing is an easy enought thing to do, it just takes practice to learn how to make things stronger, less brittle, or rust resistant.

So, if world civilization collapsed, and we were stranded in our homes... what skills do you have that would lead to our survival?

Can you fish, hunt, grow plants, use plants for medicine, cook over an open fire, do metal work, make clothing? Without modern appliances, or a grocery store?

I'd bet that between any 20-30 people there is an adequate combination of skills or knowledge to be able to cover the needs of that group.

(ack, I'm starting to sound like my dad.)

Mouth is Better

2006-06-19T17:30:00.000-07:00

After one day of excrutiating pain, and two days of dull, aching pain, my mouth got better. I can manage to hold off on the dentist for a bit longer, but not too long, i promise. So don't freak out that I'm not getting it dealt with.

It's beginning to look like there will be no visit to Eugene in my near future. As sad as that makes me, it is a necessity. Until I get a job and can pay off some debts, or at least reinstate my car insurance, I won't be going anywhere. I'm scheduling an appointment to see my caseworker about helping me apply for a state job this week.
Wish me luck.

It's Not a Tumah

2006-06-16T16:02:00.000-07:00

(that was my lousy Arnold Schwartzenegger impression)

It may not be a tumor, but I thimk it might be an abscess. Leave it to me, the girl who got her very first cavity only a year ago, and it was even too small to fill. Apparently, my teeth have decided it's time to make up for all that peaceful time. They hurt. The too small to fill one, that got drilled, filled, and then promptly lost it's filling hurts, and so do at least two other teeth. One of which hurts all the way up to my eye socket, and my ear on that side. It's making my head and neck sore, my nose stuffed up and my tonsil on that side inflamed. Haven't ever had an abscess before, but I think that this should qualify. For now, I'm treating it by gargling Black Velvet when it gets really bad, had an ice pack on my face for part of the night last night tho. I'm glad I got my medical back now.
So I figure i'll hold out until the medical card comes in and go find a dentist, if I come down with a fever before then I'll just go to the hospital. Such is life.

I Emanate

2006-06-15T11:49:00.000-07:00

Went down to AFS this morning, I keep kicking myself because I've been such a slacker lately, I finally got around to reapplying for food stamps and medical. My teeth have been bothering me, and Mina's are coming in really crooked. I was getting a bit desperate to have medical coverage of some kind. So anyway, I made the appointment yesterday, and went in today. My caseworker is awesome!
Anyone who's ever tangled with the state should know this is a very rare thing. He sat me down and said, so... your boyfriend's paying your way right now? I had just put that he was my roommate.
I nodded and we chit chatted about why I quit my last job, saying that Patty was the devil just didn't really encompass all that I put up with at that place. Then he explained that I was screwed as far as medical went, unless I had no income at all in the last 3 months... which I didn't, so I got medical. I asked if I would need to be in the JOBS program and he said, well, since you live in Aurora, and your vehicle isn't reliable, riiiight? Then I can exempt you from JOBS, you seem like you can manage to find work on your own anyway. Next, he let me off the hook for being a co-owner of property (that's always been a pain to deal with when it came to the state).
Then he said, you know, you should apply with the state, you seem like a very smart, capable, and friendly young woman. I think you'd do really well. Have you ever considered it?
Have I?! I only applied like 18 times last year, and 5 more this year. So, he suggested I try applying up in this area, because they are desperate for Human Service Specialists, and said that I would more than qualify if I write it down properly. He didn't even have a degree and he got the job. So I have an advantage there. Anyway, my super-cool caseworker offered to help me out with applying for a state position again, to hit on all the things they are looking for. He also got me enough food stamps to cover us for the rest of the month, and twice as much every month after for a year, or until I make more than $1396 a month. And, I now have medical coverage on me and Mina.

Now, I'm gonna go download the PD100 State Employment Form again, and fill it out again, and on Monday I'm gonna give him a call and see what assistance he can offer me in getting my application accepted.

What I've Been Avoiding

2006-06-06T10:23:00.000-07:00

I've been avoiding writing about this... but, it's been on my mind, and the best way to deal with something that's been on my mind is to blog about it.

While we were at the Gathering Aaron slipped up. Major Freudian slip. He was talking to Flufy and actually said "...my wife" in regards to me. Eek! I was standing right there and was probably way more shocked than he or Flufy. Flufy turned it around and joked about whether there was a proposal he didn't know about. Aaron replied that he would need to ask my dad's permission (he's so old-fashioned, and hasn't realized yet that the women rule my family. So if he does decide to ask, then he better ask my mom and my sister).
So, you can see why this has been on my mind... add on the fact that I gained a pet name that weekend as well...
But, as always I have a habit of putting myself out there and then taking two steps back.
We were not careful that weekend. We did not use protection.
When we got home we were talking about the fact that we were not careful, and Aaron expressed the fact that he'd like to be married before procreating. I took two steps back. I said that I didn't think marriage was necessary and that he was much more traditional than me. I suppose that could be taken as an I don't want to get married statement, but it wasn't.
Translation: I don't want someone to marry me just because I got pregnant. I'd rather not be married and have a bastard than feel like the only reason I'm married is because of that. I would love to get married at some point, but it is not necessary for me to be happy, I could live with someone forever without needing to get married to prove that I was committed. Basically, I'm of the opinion that marriage is a state/religious thing, I'm not a big fan of the government, or most organized religions, therefore actually being married is not essential. It's more about feeling that attachment, than having the paper to prove it. I feel that kind of attachment already, I don't need the paper to keep me with him.

I have to admit, I've slipped up and referred to him as my husband. It just seemed natural, it feels right to call him that. No documentation or ring can make you feel that, so I don't need it. Not that I wouldn't be totally ecstatic if it did happen.

(...Should I post this? Would it be wise? Or should I just keep these thoughts to myself, and play it safe... no, I'm not taking two steps back this time... moving forward. And I feel that I have to explain myself, because I know he'll be reading, and like I said earlier, my blog is his insider's view.)

*heh, I'm still staring at the screen, pondering whether or not to post it...

Update Time or What The Hell Is Up With That?

2006-06-06T09:08:00.000-07:00

(I'm a lousy typist when I'm smoking. Took forever just to type the title.)

Have I mentioned I have the best boyfriend ever? Only like 500 times, I know of. He mentioned last night that if his reading my blog kept me from posting about things that he would stop reading it, because he didn't want to be the reason that I quit blogging. I had to explain that I don't mind him reading it, in fact, I like that he reads it because sometimes I post things that help to explain myself to him. It gives him an insider's view on why I do what I do, and it's much easier to write it here than to try to explain it in conversation.
The reason I've censored my blogging in regards to us is that it's no longer just my business that I'm sharing with the internet at large, it's his too, and he's a pretty private person.. I'm not. I don't keep secrets, if you have secrets people will find out about them and use them against you. So I am quite willing to be honest with people and share everything about myself with them if they want to hear it. No secrets, no hedging around things, etc. But when it comes to his life, and his business I try to avoid sharing it, because I know he wouldn't always appreciate my sharing it and since I'm not sure what would be okay to share and what wouldn't, I just don't talk about him much.

(He left for work this morning and didn't leave me any cigarettes, I'm starting to get a little edgy...)

The point here is that I'm not being censored by anyone but myself, out of consideration for his feelings, and that he should continue to read my blog because it gives him an advantage that most men don't have in relationships.
I think it's probably time I dropped some of my censorship tho, it's time I shared a bit more of what's been going on up here.

Our camping trip was an eye-opener in many ways...
It has been brought to my attention by many people that I need to be more aggressive in the bedroom. I have a tough time with that, I have a tough time with rejection, and if I make the first move and show that I have a need, I can be rejected. I just have to start slow, and work my way up to full-blown aggressiveness. So far, this is the only complaint Aaron has shared with me, it's probable that he has other things about me that he dislikes but he hasn't shared them with me. I have a few things about him that drive me a bit crazy, he procrastinates, he's a horrible packrat, and he doesn't take good care of himself. Raw hot dogs on white bread does not constitute a real dinner! But these are minor things, that I expected when I moved in. None of them makes me angry or in any way changes my love and respect for him. The love and respect that is constantly fed by his behaviors, such as offering to stop reading my blog, or being surprised when I tell him he makes me happy because he was afraid he wasn't paying enough attention to me, or telling all our guild buddies what a good cook I am when I complain that I don't know if he likes my cooking or not. He's very good about taking care of my emotional needs. Compared to most women mine are pretty easy to take care of, and he does a great job at it.

I keep finding myself surprised also by the fact that he doesn't slip in mean comments and think it's all in good fun. That's kind of a weird way to put it... Nic used to tease me, he'd call me his 'frumpy dumpling', make snide little comments about me gaining weight, ask me to wear makeup or 'something nicer', etc. Individually these comments were okay, but after a while I just got insecure about my appearance because he never seemed to be happy with me just being me. I'm not a makeup, hairspray, uncomfortable clothes, bulemic kind of girl, but he was subtly pressuring me into becoming one. Aaron doesn't do that. Ever. He has never once questioned my appearance, or asked me to improve it, in fact he worries more about his appearance than mine. When we are out in public I don't feel like he's embarassed to be seen with me. It's really tough to say this, because I know what people are thinking... Why would she put up with that? Ariel's not the kind of girl to let a man talk to her like that... No. I'm not. It just snuck up on me, first it was little jokes that we both laughed about, then the jokes started to sting a bit, then it got to the point that I couldn't have a conversation with him without feeling like crying... by the time we broke up I was sighing with relief, and honestly I didn't even know why I felt relieved, I didn't realize what he had been doing all that time until a week or so ago when it clicked that Aaron didn't do that and I realized that Nic did.
I am terribly afraid that I will disappoint Aaron. I am scared that I will inadvertently do something wrong and hurt him, or lose his respect in some way. One of the reasons why I'm censoring the blog, one of the reasons why I try so hard to not be pushy or needy. I don't want him to be disappointed in me.

(Ran to the store to pick up some smokes)

Where was I?
Oh yeah.
Basically it comes down to the fact that I am happier in this relationship than I have been in any other, he's not just my boyfriend, he's my friend, lover, brother, and still my favorite drinking buddy. :) I only worry that he won't feel the same.

Long Live the Geeks!!

2006-06-02T16:05:00.000-07:00

I hit level 60 today. Finally!!

I'm so proud.

This calls for pictures!!

In order this is me between a yeti's legs, me and Thavian on our mounts, me and Xena (aaron) killing more yetis, and me and BDJ (aaron's other character) in our matching bad mojo masks.

I RULE!

Definitely a Geek

2006-06-01T17:13:00.000-07:00

You scored as Fantasy Goth. You are a Fantasy Goth. You may or may not actually be a goth, but "normal" folks see you as one of those weird kids, and you are probably considered a geek by quite a few.

Fantasy Goth

79%

Anything-Goes Goth

79%

Understanding Outsider

75%

Romantic Goth

71%

Old-school Goth

50%

Perky Goff

46%

Confused Outsider

46%

Ethereal Goth

42%

Industrial/Rivet-Head

38%

Death Rocker

33%

Cyber-goth

21%

What subcategory of Goth best fits you?
created with QuizFarm.com

I Realize...

2006-05-31T22:00:00.000-07:00

...that my posts of late have been few and far between. This is partly because I haven't had much to write about, and partly because the one thing I do have to write about is a rather private person and probably wouldn't take to kindly to my constant blogging about him, myself, and us in general.

On that note, I would like to say that we are doing well, are happy with each other (well, I can only speak for myself in that department really, but he hasn't kicked me out yet, so I take that as a good sign), and basically just good.

I do have to say that his behavior since the weekend has changed a bit, and I, being the obnoxious little shit I am felt the need to call him on it.

"You called me 'babe'"
"Huh?"
"You did, you have been since this weekend, you never did before, and I noticed... You know, all those little pet names couples have for each other, like 'snookums', 'honey', 'cutie patootie', etc."
"Well,... does it bother you?"
"No, it's just weird, I've always called you honey, you've always been like 'hey you.'"
"I guess I'm just getting comfortable with you around."
"Well it's about time."

Needless to say, this was a conversation I had to share. :)

Men are so funny sometimes, I am highly amused and pleased to have finally acquired a pet name, makes me feel all special, and squooshy.

The Weekend in Review

2006-05-30T08:48:00.000-07:00

Lots of pics of this event, of course after so many events, once you've seen one you've seen them all.

This is Aaron and Fluffy in the tent, relaxing while the rain comes pouring down around us.

This is a shot of the beginning of the Norse Stickball game. Two dozen half naked men playing in the mud, gotta love it.

Aaron in his favorite place, the drum tent, with Noel. In fact, he loves the drums so much it was difficult to get him to quit pounding them long enough to pound... um, uh, never mind...

This is a shot of merchant's row, generally at an event this size it would be packed with milling shoppers, but the rain greatly reduced the daytime traffic. It didn't stop the nightlife tho, after dark the alcohol started flowing and nobody even noticed the rain.

And this, this is Rose. Isn't she freakin adorable? She was so darned cute that she actually had a ring of suitors around her for most of the event. I thought she was adorable, so did everyone else. And, I got to lick her tattoo!

More to come later...

Vacation Time

2006-05-25T22:46:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow is the day!
Tomorrow we go to the gathering. I'm so excited. I just love the freedom of events, forgetting that there is a house to take care of, dishes to do, a kid to get off to school every morning, bills to pay, all of it goes to the wayside during an event. Not to say that I am an escapist/hedonist or anything, but those things are on my mind every day and night, and I am a constant worrier. Having a weekend when I don't worry about those things is like mana from heaven, it's pointless to worry about them when I'm out there because I can't do anything about them in the middle of the woods anyway, so instead I just get to enjoy myself.
I've never been much of a fan of going to events as a couple, because much of the fun of eventing is in the excessive flirting that goes on, and the extreme intoxication too of course. I've always had to worry with Nic when we went to events, because he was so jealous. He'd get butthurt about me hugging Siddhartha for goodness sakes. Everybody loves Siddhartha, he's just one of those jolly friendly flirty guys.
While Aaron and I have discussed the event and how I'm not really the jealous type, and I doubt he is either, I told him that he was free to flirt so long as he remembered which tent he should be sleeping in. A 'hands-off' rule of thumb is my preference. But so much the better if he has fun, even if it's while flirting with others, cuz when he comes back to me he'll be in a great mood. I like it when he's in a good mood. ;)
One of the reasons I've never begrudged any of my boyfriends their 'guy time' is because they really do come back happier, more relaxed, and more fun to be with.

We're taking his co-worker, Brian, with us. It'll be his first SCA event. I love introducing new people to the SCA. I just hope we manage to come up with some garb for him. I think he'll have fun tho, when I took Marshal one year he had a great time being my Booze Bitch and having me shove beautiful busty women at him. They loved the fact that he was my servant, thought it was sexy. He loved the attention, and the fact that I took care of him, made sure he didn't get too wasted, fed him, and tucked him in at night. He was a good boy, I mothered him, and we had a blast. :)

Driving Me Crazy

2006-05-24T09:21:00.000-07:00

Am I the only one who does this?

I can't be the only one.

I wish I could remember.

I was going to do something today,

first thing, right after taking Mina to the bus stop,

thought about it last night while dozing off,

gotta do it first thing in the morning...

so what was it? What was I so intent on doing first thing this morning?

I wish I could remember.

Been going through a list in my head.

Take out trash, feed cats, clean catbox, do laundry, vacuum, sweep,...

Nothing is ringing a bell.

I have so much to do before tomorrow afternoon, I just wish I could remember what it was.

Calling it Quits

2006-05-22T15:31:00.000-07:00

I think I've done my homemaker's duty for the day. Cleaned Mina's room, our room (that was easy), did 7 loads of laundry, and generally tidied up the house. Mina will be home in 20 minutes, and then we have to go pick Aaron up at work... the truck's still not working.
Laundry might not seem like a big deal, but it is when you have to sit on the washer through each and every spin cycle. No matter how I arrange the clothes they still go off-balance in a heartbeat and then when they spin they come out soaking wet. So, I've started sitting on one corner of the washer while it spins, to keep it balanced. Sad, I know. (Even worse, it isn't turning me on anymore. :)). So I spent a large part of today sitting on the washer staring out the back window. Anybody watching me today would've had quite a laugh.
To see me folding clothes at the dining room table...then the thumping would start and I'd dash through the house and jump on the washer and sit there, staring, pondering the meaning of life, until it came to a screeching halt. Hopping down, transferring the clothes to the dryer, the dry clothes to the basket, putting in another load to wash, going back to the table to fold the dry clothes and then repeating the process all over.

I'm chuckling now, thinking about it. It is pretty funny.
Hope everyone else is finding new ways to turn the usual into something fun.
:)

Taking a Smoke Break

2006-05-22T09:56:00.000-07:00

After driving Mina to school this morning (on purpose this time, cuz we (I) felt like dawdling) I got started on the laundry. I decided to check Mina's room for clothes that needed washing, because her bedframe doesn't touch the wall and she has a habit of taking off her socks in her sleep, so I often find a pile of socks in the crack between bed and wall. She "cleaned" her room this weekend. This translates to "she crammed everything into whatever nook or cranny she could find so that with a quick glance it looks fairly decent but upon closer inspection is a completet sty". So I have been properly cleaning it for her. Garbage is thrown away, socks are out of the crack, books are neatly lined up in the bookshelf, and all that neat tidy orderly stuff. She better grow up to be a creative genius, cuz otherwise I think I'll strangle her for her lack of a sense of order. The good thing is that when I clean her room, I get rid of unnecessary stuff, I throw away old homework assignments, tags from new clothes, clothes that don't fit anymore or have holes but she wears them anyway because they are there. That sort of thing. Every few months her room seriously needs a thorough cleaning.
I admit, I had hoped that it wouldn't be this soon, since I got rid of everything I could think of when we moved. But, such is life. Her room here is smaller than the old one, and she has a computer desk added to it.. there's barely room to move in there. So keeping it clean is a necessity.

Time to tackle the closet...

So Much To Do, So Little Time

2006-05-22T08:20:00.000-07:00

This weekend is the Gathering.
There is so much to do before then. I have to catch up on the laundry, we ran out of laundry soap earlier this week so it's been building up. Got to go to the storage unit and get my garb out and wash all of it, so I don't wreak of campfire, alcohol and mustiness. Get Mina all packed for spending the weekend with Jen, because Jen was awesome enough to actually want Mina to come stay with them for the weekend. I'm pretty sure the meds have made her completely insane, because there's just no other explanation for her wanting Mina to visit.
In addition to all the pre-Gathering stuff to do, my mom and brother are going to be stopping in to visit somtime the week after, which means the house needs to be cleaned (because I'm a freak like that). And, to top it all off, Aaron's friend Dezen and her um, husband, boyfriend,... not really sure, will be coming to visit that week as well. Money's tight with all this happening, and I'm going a bit schizo. Right now, I'm just gonna focus on the laundry, Angie's work, and getting the rest of the recycling out of my car. Then I'll worry about the rest.
In addition to all this Aaron's truck hasn't been runing because the key is stripped and will no longer turn over the ignition, so we are working on dealing with that too. Hopefully, that will get taken care of today, because while I don't mind him using my car to get to work, it left me feeling very stranded and caged.

Laundry, gotta start some laundry...

...Found!

2006-05-18T15:19:00.000-07:00

Don't panic, I'm not gonna give away the ending. I just finished the book.

I liked the twist of events near the end that wrapped things up nicely for the author, without too much mop-up involved. I did not like the last page. Obviously Dan Brown didn't know where to go from there and pulled a fast one by just ending it. It pisses me off. I don't like puzzles with missing pieces, or books with missing conclusions. Aaargh!

The Holy Grail

2006-05-18T12:02:00.000-07:00

I'm reading the Davinci Code right now. My sister refuses to read it because there is so much hype about it. She reminds me of Jen that way...refusing to be a follower in the book realm. Jen refused to read Harry Potter for the same reason. All I can say is that they're both missing out. I absolutely love the Harry Potter books. And, although I can't say that I love the Davinci Code, I do have to say that it is an engaging story. Very similar to many Clive Cussler books as far as the writing and story line. (For those who don't know, Cussler wrote the book that later became the film Sahara). The only noticeable difference is that the premise for the treasure hunt in DC is one that has been highly debated by scholars for years. That is the only reason for the hype surrounding this book, I'm looking forward to the end tho, and finding out what the "grail" really is. I have been a little disappointed by the lack of scholarly information int he book tho, I expected more after watching "The Davinci Code: Decoded", but it just isn't there. I can understand why the Church has such a problem with the book though, it doesn't portray the Pope or members of the clergy very well, especially with the repeated mentionings of incidents involving priests and little boys in recent years. I expect the movie will skim over even more of the details, and thereby reduce the book to another blockbuster A-list film without any substance to interest the mind. just like they did with Jurassic Park, Timeline, Sahara, and countless other great books. When are they going to realize that books contain so much more than the flashy special effects of film? I want the information about the grail, about the theories and speculations surrounding it. I want to know how they made the dinosaurs in detail, how they travelled through time, or researched the lost submarine to track down where to find it in the present. Why won't they put these details in? I like Matthew McConahey (sp?) just fine, but I don't want to spend an hour and a half watching him get chased by things and kill people without getting something to engage my mind as well. If I wanted to watch something without any substance to it I'd watch Cannibal: The Musical again. Which, by the way, is a great movie, and perfect for nights when you don't want to think but just veg out and laugh.

I'm gonna go finish my book now...

Could it Get Any Worse?

2006-05-16T09:03:00.000-07:00

My day hasn't started out well. It really hasn't started at all, because in order for today to start, yesterday has to have ended. But, since Aaron was on-call last night, and the phone woke me up twice (I believe), plus, I had enough trouble getting to sleep anyway because it was sweltering. So, today, relatively speaking has just become an extension of yesterday rather than an entity unto itself. My sister called last night to tell me that her boss wants to see everything we have because she has already billed for half of the production budget for this book, yet we are nowhere near finished with it, not even halfway finished. She's not happy, to say the least, had she known the budget was so small from the outset, she would have slapped them silly and told them it couldn't be done for that little. You see, most of their books include an abundance of stories, stories that are easy enough to research and write a full page or even two about. This book is just facts. Twenty facts to a page, each and every one of those facts has to be researched, verified, creatively laid out, edited, and finally the page is done. EACH page is like this. Of course it's going to take a lot of time, time is equal to money. I think they figured they'd give it a small budget because it's just facts and should be easy, but really it's much more time-consuming than a regular book.
So angie may be pulled off the project, oh well, they'll just put someone else on it who will insist they can do it better and will find out by the time it's done that they have gone way over budget as well.
For the time being tho, I have once again lost my source of income. Not that it was much mind you, but it did help a lot.
To top things off Mina woke up yesterday puking, so she stayed home. I'm not sure what caused it, she tends to have a sensitive stomach, but I wasn't gonna send her to school and risk the possibility that she'd puke while there and I wouldn't be able to get her because Aaron had my car. Which leads me to the next sucky thing that has happened... his car key is stripped, it won't turn over the ignition in his truck, so he's been driving my car to work the past three days. Not a bad thing really, I don't mind him driving my car. But since he has the car this morning and all, I can't get Mina to school. Why? you ask, because the damned bus driver doesn't know how to read a clock! When the school first gave me the bus schedule it said the bus would arrive at 8:22 am, we soon discovered that this actually meant 8:18 am, and some days 8:35 am... see where this is leading? So, normally we leave at 8:10 am and the kids all play tag at the bus stop while they wait for the bus. Today, we left a bit late (8:12 am) and hustled down there, just in case. We had missed it, apparently by quite a while. So, once again, she is home, because I can't get her to school without the car. The school is too far to walk, although it's only a 5 minute drive. Yup, my past 24 hours haven't gone very well. I'm reviewing the serenity prayer in my mind, and hoping for strength, wisdom, and courage.

(Afterword: Mina's school rocks! I called the school to explain why she wouldn't be there, and how I was sans vehicle to get her to school. The school apparently has a few employees who have set up a pickup service, they come to your house and pick up your kid if for some reason they miss the bus and you can't get them to school. So, the receptionist just pulled up and picked up Mina and said she had one more to get on the way back to the school. Thank goodness! I was very worried about her missing any more school than she needed to.)

I Made The Mistake...

2006-05-15T08:50:00.000-07:00

of complaining that it was too cold out for May. This is my punishment. The weather guy said it's gonna be 95 degrees out today. It was only 80 yesterday, but hot enough that I couldn't get to sleep last night. Tonight is gonna suck.
This is highly unusual weather for Oregon. I only hope we can survive it, if no one hears from me by the weekend you'll know that I melted away and will never return.

Mother's Day

2006-05-13T13:39:00.000-07:00

My daughter, who is constantly telling me how mean I am and how much she hates me because she doesn't always get what she wants... wrote me a poem.
Thank god for the school requiring kids to make their moms a gift for Mother's Day, otherwise all I would've gotten is a snide remark. I swear she really did go straight from toddlerhood to teenager.
My poem was about how kind and sweet I am, and how I am as beautiful as a butterfly. It was very sweet, it almost made me cry. I got all teary thinking about how even now when we are not getting along so well, and we argue a lot, and she tells me she hates me, she thinks I'm as beautiful as a butterfly, and wrapped my present in my favorite color of paper, instead of her favorite. For all of her determined, stubborn, independent, mean streaks... my kid still thinks about others a lot, she worries about other people's feelings.
When she was 2 or 3 I remember every time I would get dressed up, which is pretty rare for me, she would see me and go "wow, mama! You're Booful!", and that made me feel more booful than any compliment from any man I'd ever known.
Funny, there was a time when she loved me more than anything, and we didn't spend our time squabbling over room cleaning and whether or not her homework was done. There was a time when it was us against the world, and we leaned on each other to make it through. I know I've disappointed her a lot, and I know she's made my life much more difficult at times, but without her I wouldn't be me, and without me she'd be lost, even on the days she hates me, she still needs me.
I still worry that someday she won't have anyone. Somedays I feel that way, and I need my Mommy, even if I am a real grown-up now. Everyone needs their mommy. What would I do when she's gone? Who will celebrate my tiniest achievement with me and tell me how proud she is? Who will remind me of my childhood so I don't lose it in my old age?
Who will comfort me during times of disappointment and fear? And I've had many of those, and I've always turned to my mom, for a verbal hug if she's far away, and an understanding that some days are just hard, but I am tough, and will make it to the next day and the next, and it will get better.
Happy Mother's Day, to all of you moms out there.

An Accounting of the Bizarre Events of May 5th 2006

2006-05-06T08:51:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was just strange, some good things happened, some bad things, but altogether it was strange. Beware, some of this probably qualifies as TMI.

After discovering my phone was lost, and later having proof in the form of Jen e-mailing to say that Mina had called her from school as to where it went, I was in kind of a pissy mood. So I got up and baked some bread, since everyone has been asking for pics of my Beltane celebration suggestion, here it is.

The penis bread limp (unbaked)

The penis bread hard (baked), oddly, it actually got smaller after getting hard.

I want everyone to know that baking penis bread is highly therapuetic, I giggled while I kneaded it, while I shaped it, while it baked, and particularly while I was eating it. I giggled, the whole time. It was fun.

Around 3 o'clock, I ws caught very much by surprise when Aaron came home early and walked in on me doing what girls do when their men and kids aren't at home (yes, i was playing with myself), I am still blushing... very embarassed. He thought it was pretty funny. Then, he had to ask about the bread while I was still trying to stop blushing... and I tried to explain, but I'm pretty sure I just looked like a horribly twisted pervert. LOL
Whatever the case, it was an interesting day. I'm pretty sure there's no point to being shy about myself around him anymore, I kinda destroyed any vestige of timidity I had.
We went out to the KT Tunstall concert last night, and let me tell ya, that woman is awesome. She's cute, got a great voice and knows how to rock. I am loving her music and woke up this morning with one of her songs in my head. Originally, I wasn't so sure about the concert, but Aaron really liked her, so I went, but now I'm really glad I did because I had a great time and enjoyed her music so much more live than I did listening to the album.

We're gonna have babies!!

2006-05-05T09:41:00.000-07:00

How cool is that?
I was telling my sister the other day that there are some cute little red-headed finches that like to hang out on our porch and torture the cats through the screen door. Apparently, they enjoy torturing the cats so much, they moved in. There's now a nest in the hanging fake plant on the front porch.
With four precious little eggs in it.

Not the most responsible parenting in my mind, hatching your babies only a few feet from a known danger (the cats), but, oh well, they're birds. No one ever said birds were particularly bright.

Haven't gotten a pic of the parents yet, they're really skittish, and fly off if I get anywhere near the nest.

There are very few things in this world

2006-05-05T09:31:00.000-07:00

that can piss me off faster than when something of mine is missing. Why? Because I don't lose things. I never lose my keys, always know exactly where my ID is, never have to hunt for a lighter, etc. I just don't, I'm not a loser (of things). :)
Some people, and you all know who you are, search every time they leave the house for these things. Not me.
The last time I lost my car keys, I searched everywhere for them, and they never did turn up, so we came to the conclusion that I didn't lose them, they were stolen. Which I'm pretty sure is the case because during that period of time I had a habit of leaving my keys in the ignition of the car.

I am getting to the point, I swear.
Last night I put my phone in the office on my desk, like I do every night. This morning it is gone. I am pissed. I've looked all through the house, and I've decided that Mina is going to be beaten again. (this is starting to become a bad habit) The only possible reason for my phone not being where it ought to be, is that she moved it and hid it, so she can call whoever she wants when she wants, but, when I find it she will be cut off from phone privileges for the rest of her life!

A Nod to Blogger for Thinking of Others

2006-05-04T11:48:00.000-07:00

I don't know if anyone else has noticed, but I have, and I give props to Blogger for thinking of it.
There is a cute little wheelchair next to the word verification box now.

it looks like that.
My mom, because she is blind, can't post comments on most blogs, or do a lot of other things, because the program she uses to read webpages cannot recognize the text in word verifications. Let me tell you, this pisses her off to no end.
Now thanks to that little icon, she can use the word verification, she can post comments, and I'm sure she and many other disabled web users are much happier.

So, thanks blogger, for thinking of them. :)

The Great Conundrum

2006-05-03T09:07:00.000-07:00

This is a tough choice.

I'm not sure what to do.

I can either take a quick nap now, cuz i'm really tired this morning, and then get up and finish the laundry and the kitchen, make some dinner, do some work for Angie, and look for jobs.
OR
I suck down some caffeine, do all of that stuff now, and then hope that I can get to sleep for a nap later. I really need a nap tho, I've been shorting myself about an hour of sleep a day, so every three or four days I either need a nap or to sleep in. Wednesday is a good day to nap, since it's midweek.

This is such a difficult decision, I'm very worried that once I sleep I'll have trouble getting up and moving again, but if things take too long I won't have time for a nap before Mina gets home.
Le sigh, life's tough decisions. :)

Luckily, my sister sent me some more money for the pages I've been working on, so I paid a few bills that were getting ahead of me. And I still have 3 dollars left in my account! Yay.

It's May Day!

2006-05-01T12:06:00.000-07:00

For a lot of people today isn't anything special, unlike so many other holidays, may day hasn't really sunk in to American culture. But to me, it's like new year's all over. Today is the day when I shed my winter coat, figuratively of course, and start growing my shiny light-weight coat for summer. If anyone out there has ever owned or seen horses in the winter you'll understand what I mean. In winter they grow a shaggy coat that gets matted from rolling in mud and just has the ability to make the leanest thoroughbred look like a filthy straggly nag. But, in the spring they shed that fur, to reveal a shiny sleek coat that is the reason all little girls love horses.

As of today, I'm beginning my spring shedding. Dropping all the useless junk that has kept me down, looking at the world through a shiny dewy-eyed lens. I love the spring, it always feels like I have been bearing a weight for an impossible time by the end of winter, and when spring comes, the weight is lifted. It is a time for the budding of new things, the growth of things already there, and the clearing of those things no longer needed to make room for the new growth.
The plants know this, and in a way, people do too. This is why we have spring cleaning. Why we feel the need to plant things, to wallow in the sunlight.
May day, for me, is the beginning of all of this. May is a good month for me anyway, my birthday is on monday, mother's day is the sunday after, it marks the end of the school year and the structure and schedules that go with it, and the beginning of summer free time, the beginning of the SCA event season too.
We are planning on going to an event called the Gathering on Memorial Day weekend. My first event since last August. I'm very excited, and can't wait to squeeze myself into a bodice again. On Friday we're going out to a concert (partly because Aaron really wanted to see it, partly to celebrate my birthday).
I'm really looking forward to sunshine and summer again. So, everybody put on a smile, and remember May is the month of Beltane, a time to celebrate growth, the sun, friends, family, and mostly... go for a roll in the hay with the one you love!
I charge you all to bake bread in the shape of penises (<--that's gonna get a lot of weird searches), walk around the house in the nude, and flirt horrendously with your partner, the gas attendant, the butcher, even the crazy guy down the street who talks to birds. You'd be amazed at how quickly this sort of behaviour can lighten your mood. Have fun! Happy Beltane!

Sorrows

2006-04-30T09:52:00.000-07:00

For some unknown reason people tend to call me with bad news. Whether it's bad news I want to hear or not.
My dad called earlier this week to tell me that my stepmom's stepdad had passed away, not a big shock since he was very old. But it means that her mom will be moving in with my dad and Jackie. While he was at it, he informed me that he planned on putting my dog to sleep too. Losing Sugar is a little harder, but ever since she developed cancer I was prepared for the day that she would be put down, six years ago he had suggested that it was time to put her to sleep, and he wanted me to okay it because she is my dog. I told him that when she stopped living, and was only surviving, it would be time. Six years later, it's time. She doesn't chase the cats anymore, she doesn't come running out to greet cars in the driveway anymore... she's not happy, and she's dying. And now is the time, before she starts to really suffer.

I had another call last week, from Daren, to inform me that his mother who had been fighting cancer, had also passed away.
Then, Tammi called this morning to inform me that Marian, who is the mother of Nancy and Joe who run Eat at Joe's restaurant, passed away. She died in a car accident.
Eat at Joe's has been Mina's favorite restaurant since she was a baby, they still give her free ice cream when she comes in, and as many sprinkles on it as she wants. It's the epitome of the little hometown cafe where everybody knows your name, and they're always glad you came. Like Cheers, but without the alcohol.
I'm sad to hear of Marian's passing away, but on top of everything else this week, it seems faded, unreal, and just a little false.
I told Mina about her death after talking to Tammi... but I haven't told her about Sugar being put down yet.
That's going to be a lot harder.

Spring Fever

2006-04-25T15:50:00.000-07:00

Oh yeah, I got it bad. I'd like to take a toothbrush to every nook and cranny in the house but I fear I'd wear out a lot of toothbrushes. I need to CLEAN! I need to PLANT things! and... I need to get laid. (I'm pretty sure this counts as part of spring fever)
Now, don't everyone start cussing the man out yet. It's not his fault. He's still have trouble from his dodgeball injury. It's sad, but kind of funny in a demented way, every time he coughs or sneezes he cringes from the pain. It was really bad the day I washed the curtains and dusted the living room. Poor guy was sneezing all night from all the dust in the air.
In any case, the s-e-x word is not an option until he is fully healed. The last thing I want to do is aggravate his injury and have him out of service until August. It also means he hasn't been playing dodgeball though, and that makes him sad. He goes to the games and really wants to play, but is stuck on the bench. Poor thing.
So I'm stuck wreaking havoc on anything that keeps my mind off the unattainable, such as work, laundry (although the off-balance vibrations of the washer don't help much), dishes, cooking, planting stuff, and of course WoW.
I'm thinking that maybe tomorrow, if it's still nice, I'll wash the outsides of the rest of the windows plant some more stuff and take a nap in the sun.
That sounds nice.
I went to the store earlier to pick up a can of green chiles for making enchiladas, and came back with a 6-pack each of impatiens and lobelias. I am so bad. At least my plant addiction is better than a drug habit, it costs less, doesn't impair my ability to function, won't kill me, and is perfectly legal.
Kim works at a nursery, and at some point I want to go up there and do some serious shopping with her. She got me a peony a while ago, that I still need to find a good spot for so I can get it in the dirt.
Can't wait until June, when I can pick out some tomato plants.
Anyway, ta-ta, gotta go fold more laundry.

Working From Home

2006-04-20T11:45:00.000-07:00

My sister sent me some work to do again. SHe also dropped $200 in my bank account, before I did the work. I love her. Admittedly this is partly for her own gain, it was stuff she didn't want to do, but I don't care. I like doing this kind of work, it takes time but I can get up and get something to eat, do some housework, help Mina with what she needs, and go back to working on it at my own leisure. It's nice to be able to do my work at home, early in the morning or late at night. I hope she comes up with more stuff that she wants done and doesn't want to do. It makes me wish I worked for the Bathroom Reader too.

Cake

2006-04-18T11:15:00.000-07:00

For some bizarre reason, I'm craving chocolate cake. I actually laid in bed last night for quite a while thinking about making some chocolate cupcakes with multicolored frosting, and then about picking up a decorating set and adding little flowers to them or something. It was kinda weird, I think I need to lay off the caffeine before bed. It tends to leave my mind wide awake even though my bady's telling me to go to sleep, and then random stuff like cake decorating pop into my head and won't go away.

I need chocolate cake! And maybe bacon, mmmm, bacon.

Long Distance Psychics

2006-04-18T10:44:00.000-07:00

Phone psychics are highly overrated, I called one once, many many many years ago. It was expensive, and pointless, and really very mediocre.
I do admit to my own superstitious nature readily. I believe in a lot of that sort of hullabaloo (<--great word), but not phone psychics. I tend to believe more that your own psyche has the ability to point out to you via indirect means the truth of your circumstances, because basically you already know these things, you just think them over too much and don't let nature take it's course. Your own wants, needs, and fears obscure the truth from your conscious mind.
At least, that's my take on things. I own a tarot deck. I'm actually pretty good at readings too, I think it's because I shut my mind away from influencing the lay of the cards so that only the person who I'm reading for is affecting them.

My sister and I were talking the other day, and while we were talking she was on the computer doing online I-Ching and tarot readings. I don't know much about I-Ching, but the premise is similar to that of any other divining method. She learned that now is the time in her life when major changes have settled for a while, it's a quiet vacation time, but to get the things she wants she needs to ignore her normally pushy and aggressive nature and try to slow down and let things fall into place in their own time. Patience is not one of her virtues. This will be a challenge for her. Especially since she has recently been reintroduced to a crush from way back in high school, and they are hitting it off nicely.
She's very excited about the idea. I can't help but wonder if this is a trend that others are experiencing too, the situation of suddenly seeing someone you had overlooked before in a new light, someone from your past who has changed or maybe you have changed and things just click between you. It happened to me, I had gotten settled into the idea of being alone, of living out my adulthood as a single parent, and spending my later years in a little house in the woods with cats and vegetables, and maybe Tammi too, if she was alone as well. And then, BAM!, out of the blue, I looked at someone from my past, who I had known for many years, with brand new eyes. Instead of just someone who I trusted to be a friend, but figured probably didn't even remember my name, who was more like a big brother than anything else, I saw an attractive, intelligent, fun, and very sweet person. Someone who can make me laugh when I'm cranky, who tries as hard to do things for me as I try to do things for him, someone who I don't have to mother because he isn't a little boy, but I want to mother because sometimes everyone needs to be taken care of.

Where was I going with this?...
Oh yeah, I hope my sister has found that person.
She tried to do an online tarot reading for me, but it only showed what has already happened. The best we could figure was that I'm on the right path and I just need to be more open, more assertive, and have faith. Sounds good to me, but then again, I already knew that. This is the right path, this is where I want to be, and where I need to be.
There is a certain part of me that is always held back, that is always prepared for the eventual letdown that will come in a relationship. I don't feel like there will be a letdown in this one, but if it comes I will be prepared and if nothing else I will have learned a lot, grown a lot, and hopefully helped him to do the same. Aaron has most definitely instilled a new trust in men in me, I no longer feel like they're all the same, and they are all out to hurt me. This is definitely the right path, and I'm walking it with a smile, wherever it may lead.