Tales From the Maternity Ward (Men: Beware)
'Zilla has requested that she be provided with tales of labor and delivery.
She's gonna hate me.
I was the perfect pregnant girl, besides being a homeless, penniless teen.
I gained exactly 35 pounds, I never had morning sickness and only puked once during my pregnancy thanks to some bad langustino sausages. I didn't retain water, and only put on weight in my stomach. Hell, my ass is probably still the same size it was in high school.
But worst of all, labor didn't hurt.
My water broke the night of James and athena's wedding, but it broke up top so I just leaked a little. So I decided that a good night's rest was worth it since i was gonna be in the hospital for a while, so I went to sleep, and had Athena's dad drive me to the hospital in the morning. I got there around 9 am with no contractions, very little effacement, and no dilation whatsoever. So they put me on a little pill designed to soften the cervix, and I watched Scooby-Doo for most of the morning. Then they hooked me up to my penicillin drip since my water had been broken for so long. Around 4 pm they finally got me on pitocin to start the contractions, they didn't hurt they just felt like when someone gives you a big bear hug and squeezes the breath out of you. About that time my penicillin drip got clogged and my arm started to burn like mad. (there's a reason they mix your IV with penicillin and water, penicillin BURNS) That was the most painful part of labor. After a while I was dilated enough for them to offer me drugs, I asked for an intrathecal, since I kinda wanted to take a nap before the hard part started. they gave me the intrathecal at about 10 pm, and I ended up getting hyper from it (apparently morphine has a fucked up effect on me). So I used that time to call my ex boyfriend Casey, and after listening to him rattle on about how his day had gone, he finally asked "so what are you up to?". I'm in labor. He responded with "oh shit! I'll be there in a minute, which room are you in?". I had a roomful of people for my labor, including Athena, Jezz, Jamie, Casey, and his friend Tony.
Anyway, basically it took all of three pushes to get Mina's head out, that hurt too, she ripped me. and one more to get the rest of her out. The stupid doctor however, figured that after having my hoohoo ripped in half and only saying "ow" that I was already numb enough not to need anesthetic during my stitches. He was wrong. I felt every stitch with that damned needle, and they hurt, makes me glad I only needed three.
Mina came into this world at 1:03 am. So basically labor only really sucked for me for about two hours. The rest was easy as pie.
See, you all hate me now, don't you? :)
But as they say, easy pregnancy, difficult child.
I am praying for a horrible, miserable, painful pregnancy with the next one.
She's gonna hate me.
I was the perfect pregnant girl, besides being a homeless, penniless teen.
I gained exactly 35 pounds, I never had morning sickness and only puked once during my pregnancy thanks to some bad langustino sausages. I didn't retain water, and only put on weight in my stomach. Hell, my ass is probably still the same size it was in high school.
But worst of all, labor didn't hurt.
My water broke the night of James and athena's wedding, but it broke up top so I just leaked a little. So I decided that a good night's rest was worth it since i was gonna be in the hospital for a while, so I went to sleep, and had Athena's dad drive me to the hospital in the morning. I got there around 9 am with no contractions, very little effacement, and no dilation whatsoever. So they put me on a little pill designed to soften the cervix, and I watched Scooby-Doo for most of the morning. Then they hooked me up to my penicillin drip since my water had been broken for so long. Around 4 pm they finally got me on pitocin to start the contractions, they didn't hurt they just felt like when someone gives you a big bear hug and squeezes the breath out of you. About that time my penicillin drip got clogged and my arm started to burn like mad. (there's a reason they mix your IV with penicillin and water, penicillin BURNS) That was the most painful part of labor. After a while I was dilated enough for them to offer me drugs, I asked for an intrathecal, since I kinda wanted to take a nap before the hard part started. they gave me the intrathecal at about 10 pm, and I ended up getting hyper from it (apparently morphine has a fucked up effect on me). So I used that time to call my ex boyfriend Casey, and after listening to him rattle on about how his day had gone, he finally asked "so what are you up to?". I'm in labor. He responded with "oh shit! I'll be there in a minute, which room are you in?". I had a roomful of people for my labor, including Athena, Jezz, Jamie, Casey, and his friend Tony.
Anyway, basically it took all of three pushes to get Mina's head out, that hurt too, she ripped me. and one more to get the rest of her out. The stupid doctor however, figured that after having my hoohoo ripped in half and only saying "ow" that I was already numb enough not to need anesthetic during my stitches. He was wrong. I felt every stitch with that damned needle, and they hurt, makes me glad I only needed three.
Mina came into this world at 1:03 am. So basically labor only really sucked for me for about two hours. The rest was easy as pie.
See, you all hate me now, don't you? :)
But as they say, easy pregnancy, difficult child.
I am praying for a horrible, miserable, painful pregnancy with the next one.
posted by AnywhereEden | 2:37 PM
6 Comments:
Hahha, that mom chick is a hoot!
This labor story was a pleasure to read, and a quick and easy birth, good on ya!
I’ll bet Mina is a jewel just like her momma.
well, since she's been my daughter's sitter since she was a baby I think she's hoping for the next one to be a little bit easier to handle.
Mina is a jewel, now. She wasn't always. But comparatively she is now.
How, HOW did I get a difficult birth and a difficult child???
He was a VERY easy baby. You're such a bitch, Ariel.
I guess I had a fairly routine pregnancy, but the Pitocin PISSED me off. I actually begged them not to turn that fucking thing up and they just kept doing it. It made me very sad :(
Now, now. Easy Pregnancy ---> easier child. I swear it's true! I will document the details later, but rest assured: I HAVE PROOF!
And, btw, doctors are such asswipes when it comes to anesthetic in the nether regions. Barbaric pricks, all of them.
If any doctor ever reads this, the one thing s/he should take away is this:
MORE LIDOCAINE FOR THE HOO-HAH, DAMMIT!
Thanks for a great read. Trust me, it gets easier each time. :-)
Ok, 2 easy pregnancies...one amazingly mellow kid...one we've lovingly nicknamed 'Little Shit' - not to her face mind you, but still... She's earned other ones too, 'Holy Terror' being the most common. Ahhh...the wonders.
I OFFICIALLY HATE THE SHIT OUT OF YOU.
*love*
Karina
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