Wound Up
With Casey's funeral fresh in my mind (I went today to say my last respects), I'm realizing how tightly I keep hold of my emotions. I thought when I heard about his suicide that I would cry, but I didn't. Just got a little misty-eyed, took a deep breath, and kept right on going with what I was doing. Then I thought "maybe at the funeral I'll be able to let go and mourn with everyone else". Nope. A few tears leaked out here and there, but none of the deep aching heart-wrenching bawling that I felt was inside me wanting to come out. I tried, I really tried. Seeing Tony Ray crying, red-faced, sobbing, and not the least bit ashamed of his show of vulnerability made me realize that I wanted to be able to do that. I want to let it out, I want to howl my grief at the loss of this wonderful man who would have made someone a great husband, a perfect father, a grandfather, a friend. He really was that great, it is a great loss to the world to have lost him.
Why can't I cry? Why can't I let go of this facade of strength and durability, this need to put on a happy face and just carry on like nothing is wrong?
I hate myself for not being able to let go and mourn alongside his friends and family. Instead I was the only one with dry eyes, and to them I must have seemed like an uncaring ice queen bitch.
I know that Tony knew how I felt though, he was Casey's closest friend and has known me as long as Casey has. I'm pretty sure he caught on to how I was feeling.
At least someone there didn't think I was heartless.
On that note, I think I'll end this post, I've effectively depressed everyone by now I'm sure.
(happy birthday, Segue. I'm glad you made it home safe, Tammi. I'm working on a banner for you Zilla. Hi Des, see you tomorrow night.
Why can't I cry? Why can't I let go of this facade of strength and durability, this need to put on a happy face and just carry on like nothing is wrong?
I hate myself for not being able to let go and mourn alongside his friends and family. Instead I was the only one with dry eyes, and to them I must have seemed like an uncaring ice queen bitch.
I know that Tony knew how I felt though, he was Casey's closest friend and has known me as long as Casey has. I'm pretty sure he caught on to how I was feeling.
At least someone there didn't think I was heartless.
On that note, I think I'll end this post, I've effectively depressed everyone by now I'm sure.
(happy birthday, Segue. I'm glad you made it home safe, Tammi. I'm working on a banner for you Zilla. Hi Des, see you tomorrow night.
posted by AnywhereEden | 8:34 PM
8 Comments:
I don't think you're a heartless un-caring bitch. I wish I didn't cry so easy.
I tried to talk to someone about their husband tonight and just felt AWFUL.
I think that maybe you are more in control or your emotions.
I LOVE YOU. I couldn't love you if I thought you were heartless.
Um, I'm not sure that made sense. I'm a little drunk.
I LOVE YOU ANYHOW.
(hey, at least I can't hang on your shoulder while I say I love you, like Jesse.)
When my friend's brother shot himself, I went to the funeral home (wake? is that what it's called?) and I found out that I have no idea what I'm supposed to feel at such an event.
It was really strange. I had known the two of them all through grade school and high school, and for whatever reason my parents had never met their parents. My mom came with me. It was pretty painful. I stayed for a few minutes, and then just left quietly. I didn't know what else to do. It was really hard.
My mom seemed... comfortable, if that makes sense. She knew what to feel, and what to say. But I guess after 50-odd years of living, you have a little experience with dying. I'm sure by the time I'm her age, I'll be "comfortable" going to a wake, sadly.
I'm not looking forward to it.
Oh man... I know Tony Rae, I'm hoping it's not the same Casey I knew. I was supposed to call him and I just never did.
You're fine, Ariel. Not a heartless bitch at all. So you didn't overtly display your grief -- lots of people don't. Some display so much grief over so little, you kind of have to wonder if it's sincere at all. Everyone's different. Don't beat yourself up for the absence of waterworks and wailing, and don't be surprised if more intense feeling surface at odd times.
There's no right or wrong way to feel.
Your sadness is evident, but not dpressing.
Hugs
You are speaking heart felt feeling here, genuine, honest. We don’t know how we will react to things of this nature. We experience them as they come, we are never prepared for them.
By sharing your feelings with us, you allow us to identify with those feelings, we share in the human condition and we think more deeply about what it is you are saying, because we KNOW what you are saying. Your sincere writing is artistic, in that we are all able to know the feeling behind what you convey by the way you convey it, and you make us think. It is writing when it shares thought, it is art when it shares feeling too.
Hugs n stuff, Lori
And I am such a dip a zoid clod? I, in no way meant to make light of the shock that you are experiencing now, Ariel.
I know it wasn't your intent at the time of this post to create art, but I couldn't help but point out that, to me, this post was art.
See? Yah, I (we) have a tough time in certain situations conveying my (our) feelings clearly, for various reasons?
The shock holds the feelings in for later, when the guard is down.
I would never think of you as a dip a zoid clod. I appreciate all of your comments, and understanding.
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