Hell's Kitchen part 4: Doom on You! or A Mockery at Jerry's.
So, six hours of sleep later...
We decide that it is time to make Jerry's trip #3, the intention is to buy more particleboard for the floor, laminate for all the counters, and a bunch of other crap including 8 more tubes of caulk (why do we need 8? I don't know, but we do). We also intend on hunting down Bryan from plumbing and reaming him a new asshole, because he is a LIAR, and getting the correct caps for the pipes (the third time's the charm).
Keep in mind that at this point we're so retarded from lack of sleep and sheer frustration that we're getting a bit giddy. So driving down west 11th Street I am chanting the shopping list at the top of my lungs "Plywood, caps, laminate, CAULK!! (only it sounds more like COCK!!)". Needless to say we got a few strange looks from the other drivers, and a pedestrian passing by asked me how I was doing today. I replied with, "I'm going to get some COCK!" in a very pleased voice.
(Note: If you think I'm making this up, just ask Chris he was there and laughing his head off all the way to Jerry's)
We also took this time to write our very own theme song called "Particleboard" to the tune of "Particleman". We were highly amused.
Until we got to Jerry's. Upon entering the welcome guy gave us a funny look and made some damned comment about us being back again, the caulk guy was helpful, and we cursed out Bryan and had one of his compatriot plumbing guys help us instead, the tool and lumber guys just straight up laughed at us. Yeah, yeah, HA-freakin-HA, we're back. We also at this point both looked like we had been run over by at least one freight train, which only added to the mockery we received at Jerry's.
Two hours later: Chris and I returned to the house triumphant but much discouraged by the local home improvement employees. The old linoleum was almost gone by now, almost. I decided to sit next to the hole and examine our strategy, the baby decided he needed to be a part of this as well. Just as I caught a glimpse of him out of the corner of my eye I heard Jen yell "NO!!", and he jumped (literally, like it was some kind of fancy new insulation-filled ball pit) into the giant hole. This was particularly alarming because since this was a mobile home the only thing between him and the ground 4 feet below was a fluffy layer of pink fiberglass and a sheet of black plastic. Luckily he didn't break through the plastic, and we didn't need to break for a hospital visit.
We quickly cut and set the remaining boards for the hole, in order to reduce Orion's chances of still making it to the hospital. The cracks between boards were filled with cock, and the water pipes finally capped, only to decide that we still needed more wood!! For the countertop, of course. And several pieces of 1x2 to support the cabinets below the counter which we discovered were connected in a highly unstable way (i.e. not connected at all, rather they were all meant to join at the corners but all fell about an inch short). What this meant was that it was rather astounding that the cabinet could support it's own weight let alone that of a single spoon.
So we set off into the sunset, humming our particleboard theme song and completely unprepared for the humiliation of Jerry's trip #4.
Stay Tuned for part 5: Monday Night Madness or How Do I fit a 7 Foot Long Countertop in a Compact Sedan?
We decide that it is time to make Jerry's trip #3, the intention is to buy more particleboard for the floor, laminate for all the counters, and a bunch of other crap including 8 more tubes of caulk (why do we need 8? I don't know, but we do). We also intend on hunting down Bryan from plumbing and reaming him a new asshole, because he is a LIAR, and getting the correct caps for the pipes (the third time's the charm).
Keep in mind that at this point we're so retarded from lack of sleep and sheer frustration that we're getting a bit giddy. So driving down west 11th Street I am chanting the shopping list at the top of my lungs "Plywood, caps, laminate, CAULK!! (only it sounds more like COCK!!)". Needless to say we got a few strange looks from the other drivers, and a pedestrian passing by asked me how I was doing today. I replied with, "I'm going to get some COCK!" in a very pleased voice.
(Note: If you think I'm making this up, just ask Chris he was there and laughing his head off all the way to Jerry's)
We also took this time to write our very own theme song called "Particleboard" to the tune of "Particleman". We were highly amused.
Until we got to Jerry's. Upon entering the welcome guy gave us a funny look and made some damned comment about us being back again, the caulk guy was helpful, and we cursed out Bryan and had one of his compatriot plumbing guys help us instead, the tool and lumber guys just straight up laughed at us. Yeah, yeah, HA-freakin-HA, we're back. We also at this point both looked like we had been run over by at least one freight train, which only added to the mockery we received at Jerry's.
Two hours later: Chris and I returned to the house triumphant but much discouraged by the local home improvement employees. The old linoleum was almost gone by now, almost. I decided to sit next to the hole and examine our strategy, the baby decided he needed to be a part of this as well. Just as I caught a glimpse of him out of the corner of my eye I heard Jen yell "NO!!", and he jumped (literally, like it was some kind of fancy new insulation-filled ball pit) into the giant hole. This was particularly alarming because since this was a mobile home the only thing between him and the ground 4 feet below was a fluffy layer of pink fiberglass and a sheet of black plastic. Luckily he didn't break through the plastic, and we didn't need to break for a hospital visit.
We quickly cut and set the remaining boards for the hole, in order to reduce Orion's chances of still making it to the hospital. The cracks between boards were filled with cock, and the water pipes finally capped, only to decide that we still needed more wood!! For the countertop, of course. And several pieces of 1x2 to support the cabinets below the counter which we discovered were connected in a highly unstable way (i.e. not connected at all, rather they were all meant to join at the corners but all fell about an inch short). What this meant was that it was rather astounding that the cabinet could support it's own weight let alone that of a single spoon.
So we set off into the sunset, humming our particleboard theme song and completely unprepared for the humiliation of Jerry's trip #4.
Stay Tuned for part 5: Monday Night Madness or How Do I fit a 7 Foot Long Countertop in a Compact Sedan?
posted by AnywhereEden | 8:49 PM
1 Comments:
caulk and wood, that is priceless!!!
You gotta publish those particleboard lyrics, I love TMBG.
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