Update Time or What The Hell Is Up With That?
(I'm a lousy typist when I'm smoking. Took forever just to type the title.)
Have I mentioned I have the best boyfriend ever? Only like 500 times, I know of. He mentioned last night that if his reading my blog kept me from posting about things that he would stop reading it, because he didn't want to be the reason that I quit blogging. I had to explain that I don't mind him reading it, in fact, I like that he reads it because sometimes I post things that help to explain myself to him. It gives him an insider's view on why I do what I do, and it's much easier to write it here than to try to explain it in conversation.
The reason I've censored my blogging in regards to us is that it's no longer just my business that I'm sharing with the internet at large, it's his too, and he's a pretty private person.. I'm not. I don't keep secrets, if you have secrets people will find out about them and use them against you. So I am quite willing to be honest with people and share everything about myself with them if they want to hear it. No secrets, no hedging around things, etc. But when it comes to his life, and his business I try to avoid sharing it, because I know he wouldn't always appreciate my sharing it and since I'm not sure what would be okay to share and what wouldn't, I just don't talk about him much.
(He left for work this morning and didn't leave me any cigarettes, I'm starting to get a little edgy...)
The point here is that I'm not being censored by anyone but myself, out of consideration for his feelings, and that he should continue to read my blog because it gives him an advantage that most men don't have in relationships.
I think it's probably time I dropped some of my censorship tho, it's time I shared a bit more of what's been going on up here.
Our camping trip was an eye-opener in many ways...
It has been brought to my attention by many people that I need to be more aggressive in the bedroom. I have a tough time with that, I have a tough time with rejection, and if I make the first move and show that I have a need, I can be rejected. I just have to start slow, and work my way up to full-blown aggressiveness. So far, this is the only complaint Aaron has shared with me, it's probable that he has other things about me that he dislikes but he hasn't shared them with me. I have a few things about him that drive me a bit crazy, he procrastinates, he's a horrible packrat, and he doesn't take good care of himself. Raw hot dogs on white bread does not constitute a real dinner! But these are minor things, that I expected when I moved in. None of them makes me angry or in any way changes my love and respect for him. The love and respect that is constantly fed by his behaviors, such as offering to stop reading my blog, or being surprised when I tell him he makes me happy because he was afraid he wasn't paying enough attention to me, or telling all our guild buddies what a good cook I am when I complain that I don't know if he likes my cooking or not. He's very good about taking care of my emotional needs. Compared to most women mine are pretty easy to take care of, and he does a great job at it.
I keep finding myself surprised also by the fact that he doesn't slip in mean comments and think it's all in good fun. That's kind of a weird way to put it... Nic used to tease me, he'd call me his 'frumpy dumpling', make snide little comments about me gaining weight, ask me to wear makeup or 'something nicer', etc. Individually these comments were okay, but after a while I just got insecure about my appearance because he never seemed to be happy with me just being me. I'm not a makeup, hairspray, uncomfortable clothes, bulemic kind of girl, but he was subtly pressuring me into becoming one. Aaron doesn't do that. Ever. He has never once questioned my appearance, or asked me to improve it, in fact he worries more about his appearance than mine. When we are out in public I don't feel like he's embarassed to be seen with me. It's really tough to say this, because I know what people are thinking... Why would she put up with that? Ariel's not the kind of girl to let a man talk to her like that... No. I'm not. It just snuck up on me, first it was little jokes that we both laughed about, then the jokes started to sting a bit, then it got to the point that I couldn't have a conversation with him without feeling like crying... by the time we broke up I was sighing with relief, and honestly I didn't even know why I felt relieved, I didn't realize what he had been doing all that time until a week or so ago when it clicked that Aaron didn't do that and I realized that Nic did.
I am terribly afraid that I will disappoint Aaron. I am scared that I will inadvertently do something wrong and hurt him, or lose his respect in some way. One of the reasons why I'm censoring the blog, one of the reasons why I try so hard to not be pushy or needy. I don't want him to be disappointed in me.
(Ran to the store to pick up some smokes)
Where was I?
Oh yeah.
Basically it comes down to the fact that I am happier in this relationship than I have been in any other, he's not just my boyfriend, he's my friend, lover, brother, and still my favorite drinking buddy. :) I only worry that he won't feel the same.
Have I mentioned I have the best boyfriend ever? Only like 500 times, I know of. He mentioned last night that if his reading my blog kept me from posting about things that he would stop reading it, because he didn't want to be the reason that I quit blogging. I had to explain that I don't mind him reading it, in fact, I like that he reads it because sometimes I post things that help to explain myself to him. It gives him an insider's view on why I do what I do, and it's much easier to write it here than to try to explain it in conversation.
The reason I've censored my blogging in regards to us is that it's no longer just my business that I'm sharing with the internet at large, it's his too, and he's a pretty private person.. I'm not. I don't keep secrets, if you have secrets people will find out about them and use them against you. So I am quite willing to be honest with people and share everything about myself with them if they want to hear it. No secrets, no hedging around things, etc. But when it comes to his life, and his business I try to avoid sharing it, because I know he wouldn't always appreciate my sharing it and since I'm not sure what would be okay to share and what wouldn't, I just don't talk about him much.
(He left for work this morning and didn't leave me any cigarettes, I'm starting to get a little edgy...)
The point here is that I'm not being censored by anyone but myself, out of consideration for his feelings, and that he should continue to read my blog because it gives him an advantage that most men don't have in relationships.
I think it's probably time I dropped some of my censorship tho, it's time I shared a bit more of what's been going on up here.
Our camping trip was an eye-opener in many ways...
It has been brought to my attention by many people that I need to be more aggressive in the bedroom. I have a tough time with that, I have a tough time with rejection, and if I make the first move and show that I have a need, I can be rejected. I just have to start slow, and work my way up to full-blown aggressiveness. So far, this is the only complaint Aaron has shared with me, it's probable that he has other things about me that he dislikes but he hasn't shared them with me. I have a few things about him that drive me a bit crazy, he procrastinates, he's a horrible packrat, and he doesn't take good care of himself. Raw hot dogs on white bread does not constitute a real dinner! But these are minor things, that I expected when I moved in. None of them makes me angry or in any way changes my love and respect for him. The love and respect that is constantly fed by his behaviors, such as offering to stop reading my blog, or being surprised when I tell him he makes me happy because he was afraid he wasn't paying enough attention to me, or telling all our guild buddies what a good cook I am when I complain that I don't know if he likes my cooking or not. He's very good about taking care of my emotional needs. Compared to most women mine are pretty easy to take care of, and he does a great job at it.
I keep finding myself surprised also by the fact that he doesn't slip in mean comments and think it's all in good fun. That's kind of a weird way to put it... Nic used to tease me, he'd call me his 'frumpy dumpling', make snide little comments about me gaining weight, ask me to wear makeup or 'something nicer', etc. Individually these comments were okay, but after a while I just got insecure about my appearance because he never seemed to be happy with me just being me. I'm not a makeup, hairspray, uncomfortable clothes, bulemic kind of girl, but he was subtly pressuring me into becoming one. Aaron doesn't do that. Ever. He has never once questioned my appearance, or asked me to improve it, in fact he worries more about his appearance than mine. When we are out in public I don't feel like he's embarassed to be seen with me. It's really tough to say this, because I know what people are thinking... Why would she put up with that? Ariel's not the kind of girl to let a man talk to her like that... No. I'm not. It just snuck up on me, first it was little jokes that we both laughed about, then the jokes started to sting a bit, then it got to the point that I couldn't have a conversation with him without feeling like crying... by the time we broke up I was sighing with relief, and honestly I didn't even know why I felt relieved, I didn't realize what he had been doing all that time until a week or so ago when it clicked that Aaron didn't do that and I realized that Nic did.
I am terribly afraid that I will disappoint Aaron. I am scared that I will inadvertently do something wrong and hurt him, or lose his respect in some way. One of the reasons why I'm censoring the blog, one of the reasons why I try so hard to not be pushy or needy. I don't want him to be disappointed in me.
(Ran to the store to pick up some smokes)
Where was I?
Oh yeah.
Basically it comes down to the fact that I am happier in this relationship than I have been in any other, he's not just my boyfriend, he's my friend, lover, brother, and still my favorite drinking buddy. :) I only worry that he won't feel the same.
posted by AnywhereEden | 9:08 AM
3 Comments:
I don't know where you buy your hotdogs, sister, but every hotdog package I've ever seen has the words "FULLY COOKED" printed on the front. So what if he likes them cold? And how is white bread different from a run-of-the-mill hotdog bun? I happen to like my wieners heated, but if all I have around the house is a piece of nasty, fluffy, processed, chemical-filled, balloonish white bread, well, damn, at least it'll cradle the damned dog and keep the catsup and onions from dripping onto the floor! And, quite frankly, as much as we all like bread -- white or wheat or multi-grain or rye -- it just ain't all that good for us, and neither are hotdogs, but I'll be good & goddamned if I'm given up an occasional tube-steak wrapped in certain death for the sake of my health! I'd sooner quit smoking!
(What? Not funny? Dang it, I was trying to get you to LIGHTEN UP!)
It bothered me that Nick said that. I was like...what the hell? But I've never had a boyfriend say something like that. He dates girly girls and you are a womanly girl.
You're just too cute to have to try. =)
Plus, GOOD LORD, those boobs do not hurt. *smirk*
I HAD to mention boobs. Just had to.
The best secrets are the ones everyone thinks they know :)
Smoke & Mirrors...
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