Let The Sun Shine
I know you've all given up on me ever posting again.
I know that I've been horribly lax about keeping up with things.
It didn't seem fair though. To write every day about my WoW playing, and about how we were still struggling to make it through each day. To write about the electricity being shut off because we couldn't pay the bill on time, and cashing in bottles and cans for gas money. When I moved here it was supposed to be for a better life, one that gave me time and resources to care for Mina, and for myself for once. It didn't quite work out that way. In the end though, it's almost best that things went so utterly haywire last year. It has given Aaron and I a chance to bond through thick and thin... mostly thin. We've both been given a priceless opportunity to see the other at their worst, when they are hopeless and frustrated, scared and alone. I can't speak for him, but for me this year of hard times has opened up sides of him that I didn't know existed and given me a refreshing look at who he is and what makes him tick. It has given me the chance to look honestly at what I've gotten myself into, and to recognize that if this is the whole package after the bows have been stripped off... it's still exactly what I want. Even at his most frustrated he has never yelled at me, never been violent or aggressive in any way. At his most melancholy he has let humor reach him and bring him back. He's proving to me every day that what I see in him is what is really there, not just a figment of my own hopes.
The reason I'm posting now? Because life is no longer solely focussed on overdue bills and survival. He finally got the promotion he so richly deserves after months of late night phone calls to fix work issues, and working overtime, and not even having the energy or initiative to stay positive. After all this he's reached his goal. The promotion came with a raise that has left us comfortable, and after the tax returns came in we were finally flush with no debts on him, and enough spare to take care of a few things we have been wanting. My debts are still out there, but I'm not panicking, I have set them aside for a year while we handled everything else, they can be set aside for another year if need be to give us room to breathe.
I have now become the pampered housewife. Job hunting is no longer a necessity, which will make it easier on my self-esteem as every turn-down won't come as a blow to our stability. Finding work is now more a matter of finding something to do with myself when I'm bored. Aaron has a tendency to want to spoil me horribly, and just coming out of this frightening place where we came so close to losing everything and were forced into cabin fever from not having the funds to leave the house I am glad for some of the spoiling. Going to movies, getting a hotel room and hitting the Portland bars for a night, these were nice. But he's back to his old self again, getting tickets to George Carlin in May, planning trips to California for BlizzCon, and a trip to the Gathering... I love being spoiled, but I need to start putting the brakes to his spending soon, start setting aside for my debts to get taken care of, and for the possibility of an emergency.
My mom says I need to stop ignoring my own wants and needs and let him spoil me, but I fear the day when he begins to resent that he spent so much on me and feels that I'm undeserving of it. He was giddy last night when I told him I would accept his birthday gift to me (laser hair removal) and it's steep price tag. Telling me that he wants to spend money on me and pamper me, and that he wants me to feel good about myself. Hair removal might take away the cause of some of my insecurities about my physical appearance, but I feel good about myself anyway when I'm with him, because he loves me enough to care that I feel good.
How did I get so lucky? Where did I magically find this man who is so right for me? It just makes me crazy that I didn't see it sooner, that I didn't recognize that my Egils drinking buddy was the one man who would love me and take care of me better than anyone else could? I just keep kicking myself for the eight years that I could have spent with him and saved us both a lot of heartache.
I know that I've been horribly lax about keeping up with things.
It didn't seem fair though. To write every day about my WoW playing, and about how we were still struggling to make it through each day. To write about the electricity being shut off because we couldn't pay the bill on time, and cashing in bottles and cans for gas money. When I moved here it was supposed to be for a better life, one that gave me time and resources to care for Mina, and for myself for once. It didn't quite work out that way. In the end though, it's almost best that things went so utterly haywire last year. It has given Aaron and I a chance to bond through thick and thin... mostly thin. We've both been given a priceless opportunity to see the other at their worst, when they are hopeless and frustrated, scared and alone. I can't speak for him, but for me this year of hard times has opened up sides of him that I didn't know existed and given me a refreshing look at who he is and what makes him tick. It has given me the chance to look honestly at what I've gotten myself into, and to recognize that if this is the whole package after the bows have been stripped off... it's still exactly what I want. Even at his most frustrated he has never yelled at me, never been violent or aggressive in any way. At his most melancholy he has let humor reach him and bring him back. He's proving to me every day that what I see in him is what is really there, not just a figment of my own hopes.
The reason I'm posting now? Because life is no longer solely focussed on overdue bills and survival. He finally got the promotion he so richly deserves after months of late night phone calls to fix work issues, and working overtime, and not even having the energy or initiative to stay positive. After all this he's reached his goal. The promotion came with a raise that has left us comfortable, and after the tax returns came in we were finally flush with no debts on him, and enough spare to take care of a few things we have been wanting. My debts are still out there, but I'm not panicking, I have set them aside for a year while we handled everything else, they can be set aside for another year if need be to give us room to breathe.
I have now become the pampered housewife. Job hunting is no longer a necessity, which will make it easier on my self-esteem as every turn-down won't come as a blow to our stability. Finding work is now more a matter of finding something to do with myself when I'm bored. Aaron has a tendency to want to spoil me horribly, and just coming out of this frightening place where we came so close to losing everything and were forced into cabin fever from not having the funds to leave the house I am glad for some of the spoiling. Going to movies, getting a hotel room and hitting the Portland bars for a night, these were nice. But he's back to his old self again, getting tickets to George Carlin in May, planning trips to California for BlizzCon, and a trip to the Gathering... I love being spoiled, but I need to start putting the brakes to his spending soon, start setting aside for my debts to get taken care of, and for the possibility of an emergency.
My mom says I need to stop ignoring my own wants and needs and let him spoil me, but I fear the day when he begins to resent that he spent so much on me and feels that I'm undeserving of it. He was giddy last night when I told him I would accept his birthday gift to me (laser hair removal) and it's steep price tag. Telling me that he wants to spend money on me and pamper me, and that he wants me to feel good about myself. Hair removal might take away the cause of some of my insecurities about my physical appearance, but I feel good about myself anyway when I'm with him, because he loves me enough to care that I feel good.
How did I get so lucky? Where did I magically find this man who is so right for me? It just makes me crazy that I didn't see it sooner, that I didn't recognize that my Egils drinking buddy was the one man who would love me and take care of me better than anyone else could? I just keep kicking myself for the eight years that I could have spent with him and saved us both a lot of heartache.
posted by AnywhereEden | 8:44 AM
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6 comments
