Peeves

I'v been tagged by CoffeeHouser to chronicle five things that "society at large enjoys but that I, for the most part, just don't get".

So here goes:
1) Hair Removal. Plain and simply I should have been french. Hair removal is an easy enough thing for most women, and it is absolutely expected of all women by our society. I hate it. Unlike most women I got my dad's genetics in this department, I have thick dark hair on my body. If I don't shave for one day I become a cactus, after a few months of not shaving you couldn't tell the difference between my legs and those of Chewbacca. I hate the fact that I have to suffer constant razor burn, ingrown hairs, and the cost of constant new razors just to fit what society demands. Waxing hurts, and I'm sensitive to pain. Depilatories are useless, they might for women who have nice delicate, fine hairs but the amount of time needed to eat through my hairs would probably completely skin me alive. I'm looking into the whole laser hair removal thing but it's too goddamned expensive to be something I could do anytime soon. Hair Removal is evil and wrong.

2.)Big screen TVs. I don't understand why people in tiny little apartments with living rooms that are six feet across need to spend $1200 on a humongous sized TV. Why?! If you don't have enough money to buy a bigger living room for the TV to go in, there's no point in having a television that's so big you can only look at part of it at one time. What's the point? I think it is just a matter of the American concept that bigger is better. If you can read subtitles on your TV from your couch, then it's big enough.

3.)Clothing sizes. This is a big one. As of a few months ago, WalMart discontinued their line of size 28 women's clothing. Nowadays all clothing sizes have dropped from what they were a few years ago. Apparently this happened at about the same time that teeny-tiny tops and hip huggers came into style. Everyone thinks it's so cool to show more skin, but Americans are getting fatter! The news and health programs tell us this every day, yet the clothes keep getting smaller, and costing more. I can't even find a shirt that will cover my tits in the women's section anymore, I have to look in the damned Plus sizes, even though I'm not that big anywhere else, because all the women's shirts are cut for B and C cups!

4.) Reality TV. 'Nuff said.

5.) Low-Carb anything. I can understand using the atkins diet to lower your weight quickly if you are medically in need of weight loss, like in the case of diabetics like my mom, but EVERYONE has gone low-carb on EVERYTHING. For god's sakes people, get a grip, get some excercise and quit eating twinkies as a midmorning snack and you won't need to go low-carb. Plus, I'm sick to death of restaurants capitalizing on this new craze by offering hamburger patties with gobs of cheese and eggs on top for a higher cost and then calling it healthier. Yeah, unless you're worried about having a coronary. As a side note, I hate bottled water. I hate that it costs a dollar to get some water at a fast food joint, I hate that people think that they need to buy their water because it is better that way. (I forgive all of you who live in areas where the water just isn't potable) But there's no excuse for people here in Oregon to buy water when we have some of the cleanest tap water in the nation. Why not spend all that money from bottled water on fighting to keep your tap water supply healthy and drinkable? Instead of allowing PepsiCo. to make more money off of you when you are trying to be healthier. I buy bottled water now and then, I buy a case about once a year. When each bottle gets emptied I fill it with tap water and reuse it until it gets lost or yucky or Mina smashes it up while squirting other kids with it. Look, I'm saving money, not increasing their profit off of me, and reusing and recycling! Wow!!

There you go Coffeehouser, I hope I have managed to amuse you for a bit. Now it's my turn... I'm gonna tag Des. Go for it Des, tell us your five things....Random Thoughts

I admit it.

Okay, so that was an odd way of asking someone out, but writing on here is kind of like talking to myself, it's a way of sorting out my thoughts on different stuff. If I had just called I never would have done it at all, it's that whole fear of rejection thing. I'm a flirt, to the core, but I hate rejection so I only flirt with friends and other people who I couldn't care two poops about their opinion of me. I'm weird I guess. Plus, I hate talking on the phone, especially to people who I don't know very well. The only people I sit and chit-chat with regularly are my sister and my mom, because I know they are interested in my day-to-day life... and sometimes Tammi, but generally one or another of the kids interrupts us and we have to say goodbye.
Again, I'm weird, I know it, and I'm comfortable with my weirdness.
Nobody else that I know sits around laughing and talking with their mother and/or sister the way that I do. Usually they either try not to talk to them at all or they do the obligatory ten-minute holiday call. I like my family though. My brother is hard to talk to because I've seen so little of him since about 8 years ago that I really don't know anything about him anymore. My dad is such a space-case on the phone it's hard to get him to follow along with sentences of more than four words, I told you he was losing it.
My mom is great because she's willing to listen when I'm falling apart, and when I'm happy about something she remembers to tell me how proud she is of me, also she has finally gotten past the idea that I am perpetually six years old and is now sharing things about her life with me. This includes sex, medications, outings, and job-related topics as well as many other things most people don't want to hear about from their mothers.
My sister is the besst though for phone conversations, sometimes we both space out and mess around on the computers while we're on the phone together. Because of her job she always has lots of fun stuff to talk about. Often our conversations go something like this:

ME: Hi Angie.
A: It's my seester! What's up?
ME: Not much just thought I'd see how you're doing.
A: I'm being bombarded by my boss... he wants seventy-eight more running feet by Thursday.
ME: Ouch, have you left your desk at all this week?
A: Only to poop. Hey, do you know how big an elephant's testicles are?...
ME: Good question, let me check...
(extended pause as we both try to come up with a viable answer to this oh-so-important question.)
ME: I think I've got it.. it's not exact, but it says here that an elephant's testicles are about half the size of it's brain... so does that mean that both of them together would be the same size as it's brain?
A: I think so... ya think maybe the same equation works for human males?
ME: As in their brains are roughly the same size as their balls? Or are you insinuating that guys with bigger balls have larger brains?
A: Bigger balls = bigger brains.
ME: Could be, but that doesn't necessarily mean they' re smarter. It's not the size that counts you know, it's how many neurons you use.
A: huh-huh, you said 'it's not the size that counts'.
ME: huh-huh, you said 'balls'
A: Maybe some sort of scientific study should be done to determine if ball size in any way relates to IQ or to brain size.
ME: Yeah, I'll get right on that, as soon as I have the time to spend comparing millions of guys' balls with their brains.

etc, etc.

You can see why I enjoy these conversations, for being a thirty year old, she's right up there with our little brother when it comes to what we think is amusing. huh-huh, you said 'balls'.
(Tammi, yes, that was a little jab at you about your age. Happy birthday girl, you rock, even at thirty.)

Oh great.

So now random people that I don't know are accepting coffee dates with me. In case you didn't catch that read the comments on the last post. C'mon people, grow up and quit being lame. If you aren't mags then don't pretend to be. Duh.
If that was the "pigfucker" Jay then I hope he gets some sort of kharmic retribution for being a jackass.

(If you don't know who Jay is, check on Random Thoughts in the June archives, trust me, you'll find him.)

So, There's This Guy...

...who I kinda like. I'm someone who is really flirty and direct when it comes to people I barely know or just don't care much about, but when it comes to someone who's opinion of me matters to me I get all weirdly shy and have trouble saying anything. Y'know what I mean? (probably not, but oh well).
Plus there's the fact that now that I'm working full time I don't really have time for a boyfriend, and because of the Resolution I can't even get laid. So anyway, all of these factors considered I still like him and have always thought that he needed to find a good woman, I don't know if I am that woman, but you never know.
So here it is, I'm putting my shyness aside. Mags, would you like to go out to coffee sometime? Or, ...um, something?

Christ Jesus!! Hallelujah.

I'm so glad to be home and have dinner in my belly. It was a very long day at work, 10 hours to be exact. When I came out of the screening room at 5:30 everyone looked at me and said, "i thought you already went home". No, I didn't. I was working, and waiting until my second break was announced. Waiting for someone to tell me I could go home.

So after my ten hour shift I was finally released on my own recognizance. I feel like death warmed over. I felt fine at work but as soon as I got home and realized that I had to clean the kitchen, wash dishes, and take out the garbage before I could cook dinner I started to feel burnt-out.
Now all I want is to get Mina to bed so that I can go to sleep, which is exactly what I'm going to do in exactly 56 minutes.

Well, Folks...

I'm off to work in ten minutes. I get to go stab people soon, which is great fun, let me tell you. Actually, it's not nearly as nerve-wracking as I thought it would be. Plus, I keep running into old faces from my days as a homeless teen. That's kind of sad though, I wish I could say that the people I knew back then had all broken away from their homeless existence and were moving up in the world. But they haven't. Only a few have done well for themselves, the rest are still donating plasma to make ends meet, and probably are crashing at other people's houses to stay warm at night.
It makes me sad that they haven't been able to do better for themselves, I know that so many of them had great goals for their lives that they may never reach.
So, on that note, I want to say a great big CONGRATULATIONS to those of us who have been there and made it out. JEN, I'm proud of you for taking a rough beginning and coming out on top. DES, I'm proud of you for being the first of us to make it in the working world. TAMMI, I'm proud of you for starting out with nothing, not even your own mother's care and consideration, and getting to where you are now even after all that life has thrown your way.
And I hope that you all keep climbing and don't ever let your past knock you back down. I don't ever want to see you guys in the plasma center donating to make ends meet, because I know that you guys can do anything. Keep on rockin'.

Gotta go to work now, bye.

Puff the Magic Dragon

I love the song from Puff the Magic Dragon, I always cry when I hear it thinking about how hard it is to grow up and lose all of those childish things.
I remember when I was little my brother and I had a competition one summer to determine who could gather enough rubber bands to build the biggest rubber band ball. We quickly discovered that the mailman carried a tremendous amount of rubber bands with him every day, and we started racing to the door when we heard him come up the stairs. I don't remember which one of us won that challenge, but I remember having one hell of a huge ball of rubber bands by the end of summer.
It's things like this that I'm trying to hold on to now that I'm a real live adult, so I make the time and energy to play Uno with Mina, the way my mom used to with us. With a tray of snacks, and good music playing, it was the one time we were allowed to use bad language. It was also the only time I ever heard my mom call my brother a "little cocksucker" and him respond with "you Bitch!". Mina and I still play the same way, we call each other names and you can probably hear us screaming from the neighbor's house, but we have a lot of fun and that's what it is all about.
I work hard to teach her to take care of herself, and soon she'll be old enough to go out to Grampa's and work in the garden with me. In a lot of ways, despite the fact that I was the child of a blind single parent student, I had an almost Beaver Cleaver sort of childhood. I was totally naive and sheltered until about the time I moved in with my dad at 14.
It all went downhill from there. Hell, I didn't even know my mom smoked pot all through my childhood until my dad informed me years later.
I guess I just got lucky because it wasn't like my mom was overprotective or anything. She didn't care what we did so long as we kept an eye on each other and were home in time for dinner. As a child I used to ride the city buses around town, hang out down on the bayfront, climb up on the roof, run wild throughout the neighborhood, and just generally make a menace of myself. Yet I never got into real trouble, never got kidnapped or molested, and always made it home in time for dinner.
My little brother grew up following my heels and depending on me to read the bus schedules and determine which way to go to get home. I think that being responsible for him on our many outings was one of the reasons I developed such a cool head in a crisis, a great sense of direction, and the ability to understand public transportation schedules. We got lost a few times, but I never panicked and always managed to get us home. Maybe this is also why he still comes to me when he's lost, he still calls me and tells me when he's faltering in his life and needs direction.
For some reason my mom, even after 24 years, hasn't figured out how to get my brother to do what she wants. It isn't easy, and there's a trick to it, but I don't understand why she doesn't get it. I get it, Angie gets it, but she doesn't. He's just stubborn and kind of spacey, but he is a very giving person; if he feels like he's helping you, rather than doing it for no one, he'll jump up and help without a second thought.

Anyway, so much for my trip down memory lane, I need to get back to cleaning now.

Tammi the Tuna Cooch

Friday night I went out to Des's house to do a little celebrating of the fact that I have employment, and to wash a whole shitload of laundry because I am penniless. We managed to get Tammi to come out too, she rarely gets to join us in these little get-togethers. Since I was willing to stay sober in order to drive her home, Tammi got all sorts of wasted.
We ended up talking about something bizarre that led to much name calling and I called her a tuna cooch. After that there was no end of "my coochie does not smell like tuna!". She was highly amusing when drunk.
Tammi, I'm sure your coochie does not smell like tuna, but I wouldn't have said it if you hadn't felt the need to wipe your hat in there so that I wouldn't wear it. Come drink with us more often, we miss our little drunk Tammi.

Sadly, I actually forgot to bring my camera with me when I totally had something cool to take pictures of.


P.S.
CoffeeHouser is finally back from her trip and I'm all sorts of excited because I have missed her terribly. She's back in business and writing about poop, my kinda gal.

If You Believe in Magic

Yes, I got a job.
It's not exactly what I wanted, but it's a good start and it'll give me the experience that I need so badly.
I'm working at the plasma donation center, and no, i'm not one of the vampires. I'm the nice lady who works at the front desk, and does the primary screening to determine eligibility for donation.
I don't mind working with the local homeless population, or working with blood, but I'm not entirely comfortable with being a part of the quasi-medical industry. It's just not my thing. At least I'll be able to pay my bills though.

Good-night all, I gotta get up early to earn my keep.

TWO!

I have, not just one, but two job interviews today.
WHAT DO I DO, WHAT DO I DO, WHAT DO I DO???

yea! I'm so excited, this improves my odds of actually being hired dramatically. And there's still the possibility that Pizza Hut will call too. None of these positions will use my hard-earned degree in any way, shape, or form. But they will help pay off my school loans, which is way more important than my academic pride.

I may even have enough money from working to get down to Medford to see Bruce Campbell on June 30th.

That would make me so damned happy I'd probably wet myself, not to mention if I get paid in time I might make it to Investiture (the baron invited me and offered to waive my site fee if I showed up).

Now I just have to actually get the job, well one of them.

Yes! Brave Sir Robin, Brave, Brave Sir Robin...

I bow down to your awesomeness. You truly are a
Knight of the Round Table, ready to defend
yourself against the Knights of Ni, use the
Holy Grenade of Antioch, and RUN
AWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!! from the horrible monster
of ARRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGHHH!! Or perhaps a
barber who truly desires to be a singing
lumberjack. Or better yet, you are Brian,
fighting off the misguided crowds and wondering
what on earth you did wrong to wind up singing
"Always Look on the Bright Side of
Life" while hanging on the cross. Well
whoever you choose all I have to say is Go
you!!!


How big of a Monty Python fan are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

This is my reflection, we spend a lot of time together, narcissist that I am. Can you tell I was bored?

This is my shadow. Hello, shadow.

This is the other snake, who doesn't really care much for it's yardmate. (Cuz he never does the dishes).

This is one of the snakes who makes it's home in Des's yard.

This is des's yard on the right side of the patio. What the... is the weed whacker a lefty or what?

This is des's yard on the left side of the patio.

And You thought the Pic of My Toes Was Bad...

I spent the night at Des's last night, because she bribed me with rum and I don't believe in drinking and driving.
The following photos are the result of a lack of sleep and the handy availability of my digital camera.

Welcome to my own special edition tour of Des's back yard....

The Moment You've All been Waiting For.

My graduation photos are here!
It's kind of weird how different I look in the last one compared to my profile picture.

Graduation went off pretty well, there wasn't a stage so I didn't manage to fall off of it. And I'm very proud of Tammi because her graduation did have a stage and she still managed not to fall off of it.
We all had a great time at the barbecue, and I want ot give Aaron a special thank you for buying us lunch before I had a hypoglycemic seizure or some damned thing. I was starving!!
Also, thanks to him and Tammi and Gina for actually showing up for my graduation. At least I can say that someone did.

Hope everyone enjoys the pics, and why haven't I gotten anything addressed to "Feed Ariel" yet? You slackers. You probably thought I was joking, huh.

Love you all, and I'm looking forward to seeing more from everyone soon.
Ciao.

This is the best, sadly though it's a bit out of focus.

Here I am dashing up to get my empty degree holder, before I run out of there. I was an AWOL graduate.

It's just like Where's Waldo, and you found me!

Can you see me?

So cute. Left to Right: Aaron, Mina, Tammi.

This is the giant sheet cake that was less than half-eaten by the end of the night despite all our best efforts.

Hey Mags, there you are.... looking fabulous in khaki.

This is Mina goofing around outside the building before Tammi's commencement

Tammi with her kids Josh and Natalli, and Mina on the other side.

and Tammi again as she's doing the procession with the other Sociology grads.

Here's Tammi in ultra-closeup

Whoa, it came back.

How cool am I. Graduation was yesterday, pictures are coming soon.

Ack! Blogger is being retarded.

It lost my profile photo. Dammit.

me

Oh my God

I've lost my sense of humor... I haven't written anything funny in a long time, why are you still reading this rubbish?
It's like you're all just clicking on the link robot-like hoping that I'll finally write something worth reading, but I won't. Maybe I'm trying too hard. Maybe I'm not trying enough, or maybe I'm just running out of material.
Like the inapropriate comedy tree, I'm telling the same lame joke over and over again.

I have sex with dogs! WASSUPWITHDAT!

My talent has dwindled, my ability has dried up. My life is over! If I can't amuse you guys, then my antics amuse only myself. It is a fruitless struggle.

So let's try this.

This is why I'm so concerned about my future employment environment.

Sometimes my computer makes me feel like this.

Tiny Plaid Ninjas

This was too good not to share:
There are three different versions, it is worth it to see all three.

Tiny Plaid Ninjas

There will be more cats, more men in cat suits.

There seems to be a recent trend in my favorite blogs of writing about reminiscences of the good old days. I'm not sure if this stems from the time of year (or month in some of our cases) or if it's just because we've run out of interesting things to write about in our current lives. So in the spirit of this trend (and because I'm such a follower) I, too, shall write about an episode in my earlier days.
I just have to think of one, give me time....................................................................................


Here is the story of a man named Jeb, a poor mountaineer
No
Um let's try this.

Once upon a time, there was a young man named James. James decided to fry (i.e. take acid, for those who don't know) one night with several friends. At one point James decided that he needed a shower, his friend ( I believe this was Tony, but the details are fuzzy) thought it would be great fun to sneak into the bathroom and pour a bucket of cold water on him during his shower. So he did. James came flying out of the bathroom after Tony into a room full of people, buck ass naked. From this point on the poor little guy was dubbed "Lego", cuz that was about the size of things at that point.

Ever said something really stupid while under the influence of intoxicants? I have.
Like:
"Wow, do you work out?"
"I'm the pancake."
"Fake orgasm? Sweet, this one's in the bag."

The best thing I've ever done while drunk though, the ultimate coolest thing, was to lean way back to look up at the stars and find myself thinking "wow, I wonder if I can still do a backbend?" and falling backwards all the way into a perfect backbend. I even had an audience for proof that I really did it.
The second coolest thing happened when Gina lived a block away from a bar in Harrisburg. We'd leave the kids with her boyfriend and walk over to the bar at night, and Gina is great fun when she's had a few. One night on the way home I got the bright idea that I should have been one of Charlie's Angels, so for no reason at all I dropped to the ground and did that roll that they do where they come up pointing their guns at your dick. It really hurt. Don't try it. It probably wouldn't have hurt so much if I hadn't done it on gravel, but still, it doesn't feel very good. Gina laughed her ass off at me for a while, then decided that she needed to try it too, to see if it really did hurt. It did. We both swore off becoming Charlie's Angels at any point in the near future.

Since this has been a rather bizarre posting I would like to conclude with a shout-out to my homie Isaac: Damn, you are the best! Hot Sweet White... you make the best white chocolate mochas with hazelnut and whipped cream on the face of the earth. Where have you been my Dutch prince? I miss you.

I would also like to ask readers to contribute their 'most retarded drunk' stories. What did you do? What did you say? C'mon, you can tell me, I won't tell anybody.... *wicked grin*

Whomp!!

I just got whomped with a cubic asston of pity comments. Well I guess pity comments are better than nothing.
Glad to know you are all paying attention to my whining about not getting enough attention.

But really I'm not the half-starved attention whore you all think I am, really.

Thank god(dess) for grocery shopping, I'm finally gonna get my fix again... POPPERS.

A Bit Exaggerated.

Tammi has been on a commenting spree, probably because with finals this week this is the first chance she's had to read our blogs in a while. I'm glad to know she survived her last final though.
She's all sorts of dishing out the compliments tonight, I'm guessing that means that she feels pretty good about her grades.

Flattery will get you everywhere Tammi!
I do appreciate that you understand how much work went into those projects, and were nice enough to compliment them. It makes me feel like it wasn't wasted time.

Thanx.

Saturday is the First Day of the Rest of My Life

Saturday is my graduation so for anyone who feels the need, you can send cash donations to:


Feed Ariel
c/o Ariel W.
3620 W. 18th Ave.
Eugene, OR 97402


I'm completely unprepared for this.
I wasn't even going to do it, I didn't want to pay out the ass for 30 seconds on a stage full of people who don't know me and don't care. In front of 1500 people who don't know me and don't care. I wanted to just be done.
Instead, I started to feel bad about not wanting to go to my own graduation, I got guilt tripped by my family, and felt like if I didn't do it I would regret it. Especially after receiving notices reminding me that "my" special day was coming soon and I should be prepared by buying $50 worth of announcements, $80 worth of gown, cap and tassle, and putting out gobs more money to really celebrate my achievement in style.
I DON"T CARE.
I've never had a sense of style, probably never will. Why would I care if I graduated in style? It'd just be false advertising of myself.
Why do I need $50 in announcements? I don't even know of 10 people who would want to be there, and I can just call them anyway.
Tammi put out the effort though, she suggested that since her graduation is at 11 am and mine isn't until 3 pm, we should just share one gown/cap/tassle set. Okay. So now I have the gear, I've returned the RSVP form stating how many people I'm expecting, and in three days I'm going to 'walk'.
Why am I not more excited? Why does it feel like the end of my life, not the beginning?
I've always been in school, for as long as I can remember. When I graduated from high school I bawled my little eyes out. You should see the pictures, my face is all puffy, and my eyes are all red. But my high school was like a second home to me. It was a very small school (my graduating class was 12 people), and everyone there was like family. I was sad to leave it.

At LCC, when I graduated with my Associate's degree I was relieved and excited, me and a bunch of friends were all leaving the same year, including Des and Val (tammi had gone on to the unviersity the year before). It was exciting to know I'd get to go to U of O, and that I already had a friend there.

Now, what do I have to look forward to? I'm losing my security. I am someone who likes to know that they are secure, and being pushed out of my "happy place" at U of O is like being kicked out of the nest before you're ready to fly. I'm scared to death that no matter how hard I flap my wings I'm going to keep falling until I hit the ground. SPLAT!!

I might have felt more secure about this had I found decent employment by now, but after three months of searching with no results I'm becoming despondent and afraid that the rest of my life will be spent in dead-end jobs, barely making the bills. I don't want that, I certainly don't want that for my daughter. I wanted to be able to show her that an education is worth all of the time and money, and that you can be whatever you want, and even that being a single mom isn't the end of the world. That you can be a mom and have a great career and take care of your family.

I jsut don't know what else to do... so I'll graduate, and go to Tammi's barbecue, and come home and search for employment some more.

Nothing, Nada, Zip, Zero.

I've gotten squat for feedback lately people. c'mon now, say something, anything, I know you all have things you want to say just on the tips of your tongues... so spit it out. Tammi is the only one absolved from commenting for the rest of the week, cuz she's in the middle of finals.

The rest of you need to hop to. I was terribly disappointed to discover that there wasn't one single smartass comment about my IQ test up this morning. You guys are slacking.

IQ

So I took the IQ Test that everyone's been doing, and I got 120.
I decided that that test sucked so I went and found a different one, that's more like what an IQ test ought to be.
Thank you for taking the IQ Test at www.IQTest.com.

We are confirming that your IQ Test score was: 143


Hear that? I'm fucking gifted people. Little did you know you were talking to a gifted person this whole time. Woo-Hoo. I can't type for shit but I've got enough IQ points to actually be considered genius material.

this is my most recent project, a baby layette (that means wardrobe) for Kalan and Annie. As you can see I'm still working onthe gown. This is my first shaped crochet project. I need to finish the gown and make the matching blankie and then I'm done.

This one was a pain in the ass, and makes me wish I had pictures of the blankets I made for my mom and brother.

A knit bag.

My mom made this (crocheted) for mina when she was a baby.

This is the detail of some of the cabling.

this was the hardest thing I've ever made, it is a knit baby blanket with cabling.

Crocheting in three easy steps.

1. Dig yarn and hookie thingies out of the closet where you buried them ten years ago after trying to teach yourself the last time.

2. Find someone who knows how to do it and watch them carefully for several hours, pray that they are working on something easy.

3. Attempt to imitate their behavior several times, failing miserably.

4. Have some rum.

5. Fiddle around with making a chain until you have created one that could easily hold godzilla.

6. What the hell is a slip stitch?!

7. By this time you might actually be able to make a chain into a two (or more) row thing. Try scarves, they're easy.

8. Attempt to read your first pattern: ch 78, Row 1 dc every 3 ch and hdc on the next, while standing on your head and counting backwards from 5000, row 2 sc every ch across except the ones that don't count because they are the same number as my birthday, hdc, row 3 ch 3 dc in next 8, make shell (2 dc, ch, 2dc), repeat for the rest of the row, drink more rum. Repeat these 3 rows until you have been driven beyond the edge of sanity. Finish with a slip stitch.

9. Graduate to the point of being able to make squares and rectangles.

10. And lastly, try out your first shaped item. Booties are good, because they are small enough that if you fuck them up completely you can hide them somewhere where no one else will ever see your disgrace.

Note: In the event that this doesn't sound terribly pleasant follow this advice.
Learn to knit first. If you learn knitting it is easier to learn to crochet, if you learn to crochet first, you will never learn to knit.
Find someone who knows how and watch them, it won't teach you much but it will get you excited about the idea.
Go buy a step-by-step bookHow to Knit and How to Crochet by Debbie Bliss are pretty good, they have pictures and a few projects that get more difficult as you go. Follow the instructions in the book, and don't give up. Keep going no matter how bad it may look, because the longer you do it the more your hands get used to holding the hook, making the motions and keeping the tension in the yarn even.
And in no time you'll be making things like the projects above.

Briefly, This was my Day.

"Mom, I don't have any underwear!!!!"
"Just wear the ones you have on for today, and I'll do laundry while you're at school."
(fabulous way to wake up)
I dozed back off, it was 7:30... she doesn't need to be at school until 11 am.
At 9 am, Neva called... I slept through it, then I got up and checked the phone cuz I can't stand not knowing who called. So I called her back.
"I just wanted to make sure you were up on time." (On time for what?!)
I wanted to reach through the phone and strangle her, but I resisted. To think I could've slept another half an hour. Don't get me wrong, I'm not that lazy but I'm one of those people who can function just fine off of 3 hours of sleep for a few days but then I have to make it up by sleeping 18 hours a day for a few days. It's the binge and purge version of sleep/wake cycles.
"thank you, Neva" I responded. "I'll come out and smoke in a minute."
I smoked, I got ready to go, I got Mina ready to go, and I packed up her lunch (which was a little bit lean since we ran out of lunchmeat over the weekend and today we lost the last of the Capri Suns). I can't go shopping until the 8th, so she'll be on bread and water rations for the next two days. I shipped her off to school and headed home to start on the laundry so that I could avoid that evil "oh-my-god-mom-what-were-you-thinking" look when she woke up tomorrow to find she still had no clean underwear. I managed to have enough quarters to wash and dry all of Mina's clothes and a handful of my own. During this time I took out shrimp for dinner, did a handful of dishes, and generally tidied up.
By the time the laundry was done it was almost time to pick up the girlie. So I headed out to get her, brought her home and we watched cartoons for most of the afternoon (Being me, I had to crochet while watching cartoons), then I made dinner. She didn't eat her dinner, I made dessert, she didn't get any. Girlie went to bed, I crocheted then got online to check up on people.


It's amazing how a whole day can slide away without having accomplished a damned thing isn't it? I swear to god the last time I checked there were 24 hours in a day... where did they go??

This is my life. Exciting huh? I don't even have interesting co-workers to complain about dammit.

I'm feeling fragile

Very fragile, I'm this close to just bursting out in tears and letting everything go. But I'm trying to hang on and get past this.
I'm panicky about finding work. It's really scary not knowing how you are going to pay your rent, and as the seconds tick by I have less and less time to figure it out.
My fear is starting to show in places. I find myself yelling at mina about not wanting her to wear her huge purple coat when her blue jacket would be more than adequate. Why is this worth screaming about? I have no idea, just at the time it seemed like she was only picking something else to piss me off.
It's like having extended PMS and it probably won't go away until I have a paycheck in hand and no more overdue bills.

Return of the MImis

"Where Does Your Beauty Lie? ..::Original Pictures Are Back! Detailed Results::.." - Results:

B: Your Beauty lies in Plain Sight. Plain, simple and the girl next door. People tend overlook you as you are the "normal girl", but you're actually very beautiful. And you have plenty about you to set you apart, but more that lets you blend. People love the stability you have because as others may come and go, you will always be there and you may always be the same. You like simple things and that's what people like about you. You most likely enjoy things most consider normal, like movies, shopping, that sort of thing and are very friendly and probably have many friends. You are sweet and kind and that shows on you, but you're also strong and not very naive. You're a rather well-rounded individual. Even though some people pass you off as just another girl, shrug it off because they don't know what they're missing. Some Things That Represent You: Element: Earth, Light Animal: Cat Color: Pinks, Blues, Browns Song: Girl Next Door by Pilot Expression: Simple Smile Gemstone: Alexandrite Mythological Creature: Fox Demon, Hobbit Planet: Jupiter Hair Color: Light Brown Eye Color: Brown Quote: "To the world you may be one person, but to one person you may be the world."

Shopping Spree

Yesterday after getting home from Des's house I decided to take my Target card and go shopping for some new work clothes. I am a bad girl.
I spent so much money that I can't even express to you readers cause you'd probably bitch me out for spending money when I have no job. It felt good to get new stuff though, and I came out with several new outfits, including shoes that will be work appropriate, and mix'n'matchable.
Now if I get another temp job offered in which I have to dress professionally I'll feel a little more comfortable about it. Luckily since it was all on my credit card I only have to pay it back $20 a month, and can pay it all off at once when I find work.

Good News on the Homefront

Bob is my hero. Not only did he bring me Bruce today, but also a statement from Target. My credit limit was increased to $500. This is awesome. It highly reduces my chances of running out of toilet paper before finding employment and increases my chances of finding employment since I can actually go and buy work clothes. Except for pants, because as I have mentioned previously Target does not carry petite pants. That's okay, I can always check the men's section.

And in a small role as an Agent in the X-Files. He also played the doorman at the theater in Spider-Man 2 who wouldn't let Peter into the show. Is he the sexiest man on earth or what?

You may recognize him better as Brisco County Jr.

This is a shot of Bruce in action during the fim Army of Darkness. Isn't he adorable?

In the beginning Bruce was just your average B movie action star. Here starring as Ash in Army of Darkness.

Make Love the Bruce Campbell Way

Finally some joy has been brought to my life.
Make Love the Bruce Campbell Way by Bruce Campbell was finally released in hardback and my pre-ordered copy just arrived. My darling mailman, whom I will call Bob because I don't know his real name but he looks like a Bob, brought it to my door rather than leaving it in the parcel box because I am special and I sit and talk about good Mythbusters episodes with him.
So Bob brought enlightenment to my day, my new book, and I have been laughing my ass off ever since. It ranks right up there with I Love Everybody (And Other Atrocious Lies) as far as off-the-wall humor goes and is a must-have for the home library even if you have no clue who Bruce Campbell is.
(He's Tammi's future husband, that's who)

If you want to know more about Tammi's future husband check out Bruce Campbell.com

Doo-Dee-Doo-Dee-Doo, Got any of those Taquitos?

I spent a little time this morning glancing over the specs for the week from sitemeter. Interesting, very interesting. 96% of you are running Windows XP as your OS. 2% are running Win 98, 1% are running Win 2000, and 1% are running a Mac OS. To the person using a Mac, I can forgive you if it's at work, but otherwise please join the rest of the world and move on! If you have something personal against Windows/Microsoft in general, that's fine, there's always Linux. I forgive you, but urge you to ditch your crappy Mac.

also, (this makes me very happy) 64% of you are using Firefox as your browser. YAY! I'm so proud of you. To those of you using Internet Explorer (35%) and Netscape (1%) you should definitely consider Firefox, it's a better program, it's free and it actually does block popups. Very Cool.

everyone out there supports DHTML and Style Sheets, but 1% of you do not support PNG graphics, I'm guessing that's either the Mac user or the Netscape user. See one more reason to switch, you're missing out on an entire file type of graphics.

Devil Hunter Ariel
Domain Tracking


He's a question: who has been coming in from atgi.net? and from gill-industries.com? I'm very curious because all of the others I can account for.

Byt the way, I discovered that I am fourth on the search list for Ariel Hunter kinda cool, actually.

my cute little piggies. Awww.

My Tasty Toes

I have a foot fetish. Most of you should know this by now, but I have pretty feet and there is nothing that turns me on and makes me happier than a lark like someone rubbing my feet, or even better, sucking on my toes (except maybe breathing on my neck). I know, I know, this is probably way too much information. The point is Neva, my neighbor who loves me, decided that for a belated birthday present I could get a manicure or a pedicure. So I chose a pedicure.
I've never had a pedicure at a beauty salon before, because let's face it $23 is a lot of money to pay for someone else to paint your toenails and rub some lotion into your feet.
It was worth every penny of Neva's money... I loved it, and now I have cute little french-tipped piggies with flowers on each big toe.

That's All Folks!

that's all the pics for now, but stay tuned for more.

And here we have Gina, me (hiding behind the light sabers), and Darth Vader, Dark Lord of the Sith.

This one's for Des, cuz she saw it on not-the-mama day and wanted a picture of it.

This is my baby boy, Kalan. Didn't know I had two kids? Neither did I until he started calling me mom, eating all my food, and raiding my meager liquor cabinet. I still love my 17 year old baby boy though, and in January he and his girlfriend Annie are gonna have a baby of their own. I only hope that they can handle it.

Here's gramma, oxygen tank and all.

Here's a good shot of my mom.

And in the background here you can kind of glimpse the rock walls that were my handiwork.

This makes me angry. I spent literally years hand-building this garden, rock walls and the arbor were all from my hard labor, and now that I live in town they let it grow out of control and don't take care of it. Here you can see the grape arbor that I built.

This is my dad's house... somewhere under all the vegetation. And someday it may be mine. If that ever happens I'll have the whole place bulldozed and rebuilt exactly the same but with central heating.

My Dad lives in BFE Oregon, this is the beautiful highway scenery on the way there.

This is Jackie, she's my evil stepmother. Don't let her charming demeanor fool you.

Mom and Dad again in Dad's office, notice the sign on the door stating that Dubya is wanted for terrorism. Didn't I tell you he was a conspiracy theorist?

These are my biological parents, and as usual my mom is ashamed to be seen with my dad. Can't say I blame her.

It's that time again!!

It's time for me to display my life in pictures for all of you!
Remember to smile and nod.

I'm Crying on the Inside

My temp job is gone.
I had high hopes for that job.
But then I got woken up at 5:30 this morning by Mina coughing up a lung. Brown goo is not supposed to come outta my girlie's lungs. She's not even a smoker, and I don't smoke in the house, there is no logical reason for this.
So I took her to the hospital, and waited two hours to find out that it was not pneumonia, or even walking pneumonia. Great. I had to call in on the job, they don't want me now. Such is life.
So I have spent the day with my coughing girlie, sleeping, and watching a hell of a lot of Tenchi.

I'm exhausted. She's going to bed in ten minutes, then I can watch more Tenchi and drown my sorrows in dill pickle chips.

Note: Aaron, you don't get your present until graduation cuz its for you help me and Tammi to graduate. Mostly Tammi, but I was bored so I made something.

Job? What Job??

This week at a glance...

Wed.
Kicked a crackhead's ass outta my house, long story, I might get back to it later, I might be lying.
Picked up mom at the airport.

Thurs.
Drove mom and girlie to Dad's house where we stayed the night and left the girlie until Mon.

Fri.
Drove mom to Newport to see Grandma. Got (blind) mom out of car and into room in nursing home, got mom's fifty tons of luggage into room, took mom and gramma (including one wheelchair and an oxygen tank) back to car, drove through a town I don't know with the two of them bitching, unloaded blind mom and helpless gramma, wheelchair and oxygen at the crafter's mall, went in, no room to maneuver both of them in excrutiatingly narrow aisles. Did not find acceptable yarn for mom at crafter's mall, loaded mom-gramma-wheelchair-O2 tank back into car. Drove three blocks, dropped both of the whiney bitches off at Fred Meyer's front door and parked while they went in search of electric cart. Gramma got her wheels and took off like a rocket. Continued looking for mom yarn, found a $3 yarn for myself, made her pay for it. She found nothing to please her. Lost Gramma. Found gramma drooling over whorehouse red curtains and dropping them all over the floor. Mom bought Gramma curtains ($50). Drove back to the other end of town, ordered pizza with mom while gramma sat in the car. Gramma ordered a giant pineapple milkshake with her pizza. Took them both back to the nursing home, fed up. Ate pizza, left town on my way home (100 miles). Realized that I left my yarn in the bag 35 miles later. Went to Tammi's and relaxed, watched movies, and did nothing.

Sat.
Woke up and helped Tammi with her garage sale, mostly by keeping her company.
Went home for a bit, then headed to Des's cuz she was missing me. Got drunk there and stayed the night.

Sun.
Went home finished Aaron's present, tidied up the house, finished preparing the state employment application that I've been having issues with for weeks. Partly because it wouldn't download and partly because I was being lazy.

Mon.
Got up at 9 and took off to pick up Mina. Picked her up and dragged her up to gramma's.
I literally dragged her out of the car when she said she didn't want to go see her scary looking great-gramma.
Got mom and all of her crap into the car and got home in a reasonable amount of time. Then I made dinner for all of us, and went to bed.

Tues.
I don't even remember.
I know I took Mina to school, and Mom to the airport.
I know that I finished up the paperwork to apply for a state job, and put it on disk. I also went to Jen's and printed up these documents.
Other than this it is a blur.

Wed. (today)
Took Mina to school. Went to the print shop nearby tried to make copies and print a file on floppy (Jen's floppy drive is busted). They don't do that. The only place that does is kinko's... all the way across town. So I went to Kinko's and got my three state applications mailed off. Then I went to VOS computers and dropped off a resume, picked up an application at the plasma center, filled out an application at Staples, and headed home for lunch. On my way I got a call from the temp agency. They want me to work tomorrow morning (and for the next two weeks) at Monaco in the accounting department, this is good. I don't own any proper business attire, this is bad.
So we shall see how this goes. If nothing else it will give me something to bring in money until I get some kind of response from the other places. Cuz I don't wanna work in a stuffy office, in uncomfortable clothes, in freakin Coburg. If I have to do it, I want it to be in Eugene.

I'll update again soon, but don't be surprised if I don't post until next week.