Wuz Gonna

I wuz gonna get off work at 2. I got off at 5 instead.
I wuz gonna clean the house.
I wuz gonna do some laundry.
I wuz gonna fix Neva's computer.
I wuz gonna crochet the blankie I'm making.
I wuz gonna read my book.
I wuz gonna fix my blog.
I wuz gonna find childcare.
I wuz gonna take a relaxing bath.

I wuz gonna do a lot of things. It's almost 8 o'clock now. I don't think I'm gonna get much more done tonight. I haven't accomplished anything. I'm so damned tired. I just want to sleep forever. And ever, and ever.
Why am I so tired?
I should at least do the dishes, and take a bath.

okay, that's what I'll do.

In a Muddle

So, as you can probably tell, I still haven't fixed my blog. This is not for a lack of intelligence on my part but rather from a lack of time to muddle through fixing it. Just trust in the fact that one day you will pop up my blog and be astounded by the fact that it once again looks fairly functional.
I did want to take a moment to post about Christmas though and share some of my favorite gifts. Like the absolutely freakin gorgeous new flat panel monitor that Mags got me because he is the best boyfriend in the world and he spoils me rotten. I love that I now have some actual desk space and an even bigger screen. Plus, it doesn't make a high-pitched whine when it's been on for a while. I had been meaning to get one of these for months and just hadn't been able to pull it off, so I am eternally grateful. My second favorite gift was from Des, she gave me Gonorrhea! I even took it to work with me today and shared it with all of my co-workers. I am way too damned amused with giantmicrobes.com, they rock.
I am highly amused that my brother sent me a professional grade probe (he's a chef, and it's for testing if your meat is done, not for anything kinky). Especially since I've cooked all of three meals in the past month, and don't expect that number to increase much in the coming months. Because that would involve my having the time and energy to cook.
From Santa, my daughter and I, (yes it was for both of us) received a Playstation 2 and some games. We had a great time playing Kingdom Hearts together on christmas morning. We also twirled her poi for a while out in the yard, because they are cool as hell!
My sister and my mom both know where my christmas need really lies and sent me money (thank god cuz otherwise I'd be screwed about now). My dad made me a handmade beeswax candle, there is nothing I like better than the smell of beeswax.

So anyway, that was my Christmas haul, I hope everyone else out there was as lucky as me and got truly heartfelt and fun gifts this year. Especially meat probes, because when I asked my little brother what made him think I needed a probe he replied "Well, because everyone should have one". So, if you don't have a meat probe, you need one, go get one NOW! Cuz my brother says so.

Well FUCK!

I broke my blog, and I just don't have the energy tonight to fix it. This is what I get for trying to mimic Segue and adopt a cyber pet. Now my blog is broken. You'll all just have to suffer until I can fix it.

Next time don't let me do something stupid like that.

So Totally Not Waiting.

I will wait no longer to open my present since Chep gave me permission.

*shredding of tape and paper*

I'm glad I didn't wait. I would have been to late to use my present. Thank you so much Chep!

I got ornaments. One with a little farm that says Iowa, one with a little piggy 'cuz Chep lives in the hog capital of the world, one that is a glass ball with a picture inside that says Chepner's House Merry Christmas from your Blog Secret Santa, and my very favorite is the glass ball with my graduation pic inside.

The glass balls just didn't turn out well in pictures. But the little piggies did!

Self-Portrait Politeness

my self-portrait is less than flattering. I have been at work all day, I ate crackers and cheese for dinner, then took a relaxing bath. I have been the only acting Quality Associate in the center since last Monday. It's hard work, I have to be responsible, so far I've pulled it off with no major glitches. Well, except for the DPR Patti got on Monday that caused me to get written up, us to have to pull all of the backup samples from Friday's shipment and re-ship them, and me to have to fax a copy of every TSS we ship this week to the regional quality manager. But that was only minor. All of that was because I didn't mark the little box on the shipping label for 'Saturday Delivery'. I'm kinda pissed that I got my first write up ever after a week of doing a job that I wasn't even fully trained to do. Had I been fully trained I wouldn't have made that mistake, yet I get the blemish on my record. So things have been a bit hectic. Which is why I'm lying on my couch wrapped in my gawdawful ugly towel, and enjoying some peace and quiet.

I did have one thing to report though, I got my Secret Santa gift today, and I was just wondering... can I open it yet?? Or do I have to wait?

Quick Quiz

Okay everybody, really quick:

What's your favorite winter holiday (Christmas/Hanukah/Kwanzaa/Solstice/etc.) song(s)?

By who (the artist does make a difference sometimes)?

And why?



For me:

Mary Did You Know performed by Clay Aiken because he has such a perfect voice for that song and it's one of the few Christmas songs that stirs a religious spirit in me.

And also, the Little Drummer Boy, I actually really like the new version by the Simpson girls. The song always makes me sad because I know the feeling of not being able to offer a gift that you feel represents your love for someone, and how great it feels when they accept that meager gift with joy and know how much you meant for it be. Does that make any sense? Oh well, it makes sense to me.

Anyway, those are my two favorites, who else?? huh, huh, c'mon, you know you wanna...

My Song of the Day

this just always makes me feel good.


Michael Buble - Feeling Good

Birds flying high
You know how I feel
Sun in the sky
You know how I feel
Breeze driftin' on by
You know how I feel
It's a new dawn
It's a new day
It's a new life
For me
And I'm feeling good

Fish in the sea
You know how I feel
River running free
You know how I feel
Blossom in the tree
You know how I feel
It's a new dawn
It's a new day
It's a new life
For me
And I'm feeling good

Dragonfly out in the sun you know what I mean, don't you know
Butterflies all havin' fun you know what I mean
Sleep in peace when day is done
That's what I mean
And this old world is a new world
And a bold world
For me

Stars when you shine
You know how I feel
Scent of the pine
You know how I feel
Oh freedom is mine
And I know how I feel
It's a new dawn
It's a new day
It's a new life
For me

And I'm feeling good

I got to smell the baby

Des is gonna be so jealous. my adopted son, the teenage boy upstairs, Kalan, and his girlfriend had their baby the other day. He's so totally cute, and I woulda known if he wasn't. But he his, so I don't have to squnch up my face at him and lie and say, "um, yeah, he's uh, adorable." He's absolutely precious. In fact he and I had a nice little conversation about how it's not nice to pee on daddy no matter how much fun it is and how much he might deserve it. I did most of the talking, he's a good little listener. His name is Casey Michael D---, I kinda like that one Casey left the world and another one came into it. Being Wiccan and believing in reincarnation, I tend to look at death pretty comfortably, it doesn't scare me, it only saddens me because I won't get to see that person again. But having a baby born right after such an awful loss is a great reminder that it's all just part of the cycle. And I only hope that when/if the other Casey is reborn it will be into a life without so much sorrow. Maybe that's one of the reasons that I chose to reject Christianity, you have to turn to Christ before death to go to heaven. I feel like if someone kills themselves then it's because they don't think they have anyone to turn to, including Christ. At least my beliefs give everyone a second chance, a chance to do things right, again and again. Although personally I'd like to be reborn as a housecat.

Anyway, I went off on a tangent there. The point was that I got to hold the sweet baby, and touch his tiny fingers, and rub his little belly, and smell his darling little head with it's sweet baby smell. Just like Des, I love the baby smell. Can you tell I'm suffering a bit from the baby cravings? Just a bit. I'll get pictures as soon as possible. His mommy's doing great, especially since she was in labor for 55 hours, before finally having a C-section. Poor baby, that's just not something a 15 year old girl should have to go through. I'll tell you what though... she won't forget to take her pills anytime soon! She will be the mother of all birth control promoters.

So, I guess in a weird roundabout way, I'm a gramma! Very roundabout. Kalan's my baby despite all his flaws, but I can see after tonight that he's gonna be a great dad.

Mental Block

A while ago Segue mentioned that my headers for my blog and profile were awfully negative, and that it showed a bit much of my cynical side. Originally that was kind of the plan. So I tried to change them to better reflect my personality and this is what I came up with: 'i don't know, i am apparently not creative enough to come up with anything tonight. maybe tomorrow will be better.' and ' 26 year old single mom with no free time on my hands. I am the reason your mother always told you not to talk to strangers.'

Would anyone be willing to help me out with these? I have a tough time saying something positive about myself without coming off as being conceited. And I've just run completely out of cute little catch-phrases to explain my blog.
So, I am currently accepting submissions. please avoid the use of anything pertaining to donkeys, watermelons, or chartreuse. That's the only stipulation.

oh wait, and NO band camp remarks.

BTW, Segue, did you get my entry into Zilla's banner battle?

Little Devil

my rotten little kitty killed my fiber-optic angel for liek the tenth time just now. Poor thing, I may have to put it out of it's misery if she won't leave it alone.

How Can I Ninja-Cam When They Pose?

I tried to get some ninjacam shots at work, but everybody posed for the shots so they just aren't quite the same.
The top picture is my supervisor, Cyndi, she's awesome and I've never worked with anyone this cool before... well, except maybe Eric at Papa John's.

The second pic is Julie, she's currently acting as supervisor on the donor floor (she's a vampire). And the two in the background are Matt and Holly, they are newbies. Look fast because they'll be gone by next week. Nobody lasts long at my work.

Christmas Traditions

Lately I've had a serious lack of brain power in the evenings, so I've been posting in the mornings instead. It's just not as conducive to writing truly scathing remarks about my day, since it's no longer fresh in my mind.
Last night I got home around 8 and was pleasantly surprised to find that I had a letter from Zilla in my mailbox. Yay!
That improved my mood dramatically.
We set up our tree Tuesday night and I, being the moron that I am on occasion, made the ultimate tree-decorating no-no. I set the tree in it's stand, wrapped it in lights, and THEN plugged it in. The lights didn't work. An hour and a half later after changing out every bulb in the two hundred light strand, and testing the fuses, I threw the lights off the tree and at the wall. I told Mina to get her shoes on and we trucked down to the store to buy new lights. $2.50... and I'm thinking "Well shit, had I known they were so cheap I would've just bought new ones as soon as I realized the old ones didn't work instead of trying to fix them." While we were there we each picked out our ornament for the year, a tough decision, one that Mina usually has a very hard time with. This year it was me that couldn't decide. That's our one holiday tradition. When I moved out of my parents' house I realized that I didn't own any Christmas ornaments, and the damned things are expensive as hell, so each year Mina and I buy one new ornament, that way when she moves out on her own she'll have at least 18 ornaments and I'll have at least 18 ornaments, and I don't have to pay a half million dollars right off the bat. For the first few years it was a little slim so we filled in with some cheap glass balls and candy canes, but we're finally at the point where we can dispense with them and our tree still looks pretty good.

Belated Self-portrait

I love the fact that my camera has a remote so I can take self-portraits from across the room. So for anyone who thinks I'm cheating, I really did take this myself. I am heading to work in a minute so that's why I'm wearing my scrubs, not because I'm weird and wear ugly pajamas.
I wish I was still in my pajamas. I want to go back to bed.

But no, I'm off to work. Ta-ta for now.

Funny Geek

I've been reading Rory's site lately, he's Zilla's "funny geek". Today's post was about a mysterious package he got from a friend, it contained a common cold, the flu, a stomach ache, and a sore throat. I want one too!!

Anybody who isn't sure what to get me for Christmas... can I please have Gonorrhea? Pleeeeeeaaase?? Or maybe mad cow instead. Or I could go for the kissing disease, Mono.

You gotta check these out they are the coolest thing I've ever seen. They're Giant Microbes!

Gingie

I have been highly amused with playing with Eye Candy and the gingerbread cutout that Zilla gaveus to be creative with.

So, I present to you Porn Star Gingie!

(Don't ask why he has blue and green skin, I just liked it. Maybe he's an alien porn star.)

Renewed

Since Thursday I have felt much better. I feel completely renewed.
I woke up Friday morning with a smile on my face, went to work and was doing great all day. I had an interesting conversation with Patti that morning:

A: (laughing at a joke)
P: Now that's the Ariel I know! I missed you yesterday.
A: I was here yesterday.
P: Yeah, but you just weren't you. I didn't know what to say to you yesterday.
A: Nothing you or anyone said could've helped me yesterday.
P: Yeah... So how come you're better today?
A: I don't know. I just took some time last night to get it out and now I feel better.
P: Well THANK GOD! I don't think I could've handled much more of that. I'm so glad you're feeling better.

I worked 10 and a half hours that day, then drove to Des's, took her grocery shopping, drove home, took a bath, and went to bed. I felt great.
Saturday I was up at 6:30, went to work, worked for 11 hours, drove back to Des's to pick up Mina, went home, took a shower, and relaxed for a while until Mags got here. We sat around the house for the night watching movies and eating ice cream. Again, I felt great. He let me sleep in until 11 o'clock this morning. We went to visit with Tammi for a while and then he headed home.

I have had a great couple of days, and I only hope that this continues. I'm pretty happy, considering the other things that are on my mind.

Seeing Mags definitely helps brighten my day though, I really miss having someone hold me when he's not around. Big bear hugs, hand holding, back rubs, snuggling up on the couch. All those little moments of physical contact that you crave when you're alone far more than sex, conversation, or a chance to get out of the house. Having gone for a full year without any physical contact other than that of my daughter, I was craving it so much when we started seeing each other I just couldn't get enough. Spending one night a week together just hasn't quite satisfied my need to be touched. I really need at least two or three nights a week. Maybe more.

Um, yeah, definitely more. Like maybe 8 days a week. I'm still trying to make up for the year without.

Wound Up

With Casey's funeral fresh in my mind (I went today to say my last respects), I'm realizing how tightly I keep hold of my emotions. I thought when I heard about his suicide that I would cry, but I didn't. Just got a little misty-eyed, took a deep breath, and kept right on going with what I was doing. Then I thought "maybe at the funeral I'll be able to let go and mourn with everyone else". Nope. A few tears leaked out here and there, but none of the deep aching heart-wrenching bawling that I felt was inside me wanting to come out. I tried, I really tried. Seeing Tony Ray crying, red-faced, sobbing, and not the least bit ashamed of his show of vulnerability made me realize that I wanted to be able to do that. I want to let it out, I want to howl my grief at the loss of this wonderful man who would have made someone a great husband, a perfect father, a grandfather, a friend. He really was that great, it is a great loss to the world to have lost him.
Why can't I cry? Why can't I let go of this facade of strength and durability, this need to put on a happy face and just carry on like nothing is wrong?
I hate myself for not being able to let go and mourn alongside his friends and family. Instead I was the only one with dry eyes, and to them I must have seemed like an uncaring ice queen bitch.
I know that Tony knew how I felt though, he was Casey's closest friend and has known me as long as Casey has. I'm pretty sure he caught on to how I was feeling.
At least someone there didn't think I was heartless.

On that note, I think I'll end this post, I've effectively depressed everyone by now I'm sure.

(happy birthday, Segue. I'm glad you made it home safe, Tammi. I'm working on a banner for you Zilla. Hi Des, see you tomorrow night.