This Week's Update

Sorry I haven't posted much this week but I've been working full time at my temp job in Noti.
I'm very concerned about Des's internet use at the office, she is my friend and as much as I enjoy reading her blog, I don't want her to lose her job over it. I've decided to start looking for computer parts for her, and build her a new computer so she can blog at home. I've got a few leads and should be able to come up with something soon.
I make no guarantees though.
Also, my temp job is finished, the company never got their act together and made the manual that I was supposed to proofread. Instead I organized files, wrote spreadsheets, and moved boxes all week. Oh well, at least I made a little extra cash, and I still have a chance at the OSLC job. My interview is on Wednesday.
Wish me luck.
I sent an e-mail to Bali Guy today, and told him to come here if he wants to know more about me. I figure it's not very likely but he's just quirky enough to be my type. And who knows maybe I'm just freaky enough to be his type. It's not like I have the time or interest to find any prospects here. And my friends are useless in the pursuit of new men, we all know the same lameass men, and the men have all either dated, slept with, or pissed off at least one of us. Any of these categories are immediate eliminators in my search for Mr. (I won't say Mr. Right, because he doesn't exist).

I'm still waiting on the porn star picture....

...apparently it is lost somewhere in the abyss that is Chris's hard drive. (Hell, you could lose a Buick in that thing).
But someday soon we will have it.

Hell;s Kitchen Pics

After many agonizing days of waiting they are finally in... the pictures!!
While viewing these seemingly harmless pictures please feel free to refer back to Hell's Kitchen Part 5 and all the other episodes of the exciting Hell's Kitchen saga for proper impact.



You can see them all at this site, but remember they're only available for a short time!


Bali Guy Returns

Finally got a response from the Bali guy, he's definitely an odd one. Definitely my type.
I'm not really sure what to think about his e-mail:

Dear Snowflake,
Bali is an interesting culture and is caught in the paradox that
what destroys it (sprawling tourism) is what actually preserves it
(the young Balinese maintain their parent's rituals because tourist
come to see Balinese culture and they want to meet the tourist's
lofty expectations -- or the tourism would die and they'd be poor
like their grandparents). Therefore Bali, from my somewhat
jaded perspective, is a gigolo culture that says and does what you
want to hear and get done in order to receive money. That includes
the five offerings a day they make to their gods to enhance their
luck and income. This dualism leaves the Balinese wholly without
integrity. In a word, they're phonies.
The island's unassailable beauty and value is what truly draws me
here. I originally came as a tourist, learned I could make a living
exporting the handicraft, made my fortune and retired here to a life
of writing. For income I rent privately owned luxury villas to rich to
tourists. My facility to make money is more a product of my Jewish
entrepreneurial heritage than my PhD's ABDs (in Theater and Philosophy).
You can find my pix and multiple snapshots of my soul at
www.e-poetryinmotion.com
Now you see me, now you know the subtext. You have the advantage.
I do have an ego -- but my humor diffuses its edges and makes it
palatable.
Please send your pix and your torrid tales of misspent youth
and we'll take it from there. We can always put your 'angel' in
childcare. Au pairs here ('pambantu') go for $20/month.

Muah,
The Snowball

Hhhmmm, gonna have to think about what to say to this.

I did check out the website though, was highly amused by this part:

Lesson 15) Use an aardvark to return your love to center.

An aardvark is that first 'thing' which made you fall in love. That
unexpected turn of a phrase, the effusive laughter that sent wine
through your nose, the veins on the back of their hand * whatever. When
your lover pisses you off and your love goes out of kilter, meditate on
your aardvark, breathe deeply, let it out and give your lover a big
sloppy kiss. Then hit the fucker over the head with an aardvark.
(Beryl Dov Lew)

I like the whole aardvark idea, gonna have to use it some day, but where the hell do you get an aardvark in Oregon? Black market pet stores?

Anyway, maybe I'll just send him here to tell him about me, since I never tell people the horrible truth about what kind of freak I really am. I can't just hide behind my extensive vocabulary here.

Note: Hopefully I will soon have the porn star picture up here, if Jen will ever send it to me, along with pics of Hell's Kitchen. Hopefully.

Anyway, I've been workin my butt off, so I'm gonna go take a nap, a bath, and read a book for a while.

Ta-ta.

Saturday Night Fever

Last night Jen and I went out again, we had planned on going back to ComedySportz, but things didn't work out.
We only had $14 between us, then we bought cigarettes. We ended up deciding to pick up a bottle at the liquor store and go back to Des's for drinks (I didn't get to drink, I was driving).
Everyone decided that since they can't beat me at any of the games we usually play they were going to try Yahtzee.
...They've finally done it, they've found a game that I can't play for shit.
Out of four games I won zero, none, nada. I don't mind this terribly, but for God's sake I was sober and they were all drunk! How could I not beat them?!
Besides that I know that every time we get together they will want to play Yahtzee cuz they can win it... it'll be Yahtzee night every night and I'll never find anyone to play Scrabble with again.

Night out with the girls or Porn Stars R Us

Friday night's special surprise... now that it's over I can let the secret out. I heard on the radio Thursday night as I was drifting off that Monica Sweetheart, porn star, would be at Castle (porn store) signing autographs and such until 10 p.m.
After going to Comedy Sportz and laughing our heads off, and generally having a good time I drove the girls all out to the porn store and (twisting their arms) made them get Monica to sign their chests. We also got a picture of all of us with Monica.
Jen only got her belly signed, she claimed that Monica wouldn't be able to find her boobs, which is just as well because she was the only one of us who got yelled at by her hubby about it. Des said that Ben thought it was cool, but he was kinda jealous that he didn't get to go. Tammi said that Cruz responded to her "I got my boobie signed by a porn star" comment with "which one?". To which Tammi with her dazzling intelligence replied "the left one!".
Later Tammi's friend Aaron called and when she told him all about it he almost cried because Monica is like his third favorite porn star EVER! He was so sad.
After the porn store stop we went to Shari's for coffee, where we were joined by not only our darling Heather, but Amber, Angie, Liam, Ryan, and Edwin (date-boy). We very quickly became a large and raucous party of 10, and were quite certain that our waiter hated us. Derek if you're out there... I'm sorry we're lousy tippers, you were very helpful. Our waiter Derek was also extremely annoyed that we got to meet Monica and he didn't, apparently he's a fan.

Time flies when you're drinking coffee and before we knew it it was 12:30 and Tammi and the others had to get home.
Too bad it had to end, we were having so much fun.

It's All About Having a Positive Attitude

...and we all know that I am nothing if not positive. (HA!) The temp agency that I thought had rejected me because clerical work was "such a highly competitive field" offered me a job proofreading/editing for an industrial company for $10/hr. full time. Sadly, it's only until the job is done. But it's better than nothing.
So all day I've been trotting around jazzed about making money finally, then I get the notice from UofO to tell me that they are processing the other half of my financial aid. This means I may receive it as soon as next Friday, and it's $1725 not the $1500 I expected. Could it get any better?!
Yes, it could. Half an hour ago I got a call from OSLC where I applied on Wednesday, and they want me to come in next Wednesday for testing, and the Wednesday after for an interview. Halle-fuckin-lujah!!
Now the only question is what do I do about getting time off from the proofreading job to go to the testing and interview. I hope I can manage this, I wish I could do the proofreading from home, then I could do both. Proofreading = temporary, $10/hr., Full time. OSLC = what I want to do, permanent, not certain yet, $1000/month, half time. Tough call.

Anyway, whatever the case I'm so damned giddy I could wet myself. plus, after all of this I still get to go out with the girls tonight.
I have a surprise for them... which I will discuss in more detail in my next post.

Shopping!

Despite the fact that I am completely broke ($3.00 in the bank and $5.00 in my purse) I had to go shopping this morning. Mina needed black tights for her performance tonight, and I needed something to wear to interviews. Luckily I recently paid off $50 on my Target card, so i had a little to spare on it. of course, I couldn't really afford the new pants/shorts and two shirts I got Mina, but they were on clearance at a great price. Plus, they were super cute. After half an hour searching in Target's women's section though, I still couldn't find any black slacks that would fit me. This is not because I am excessively fat, I'm only chunky, but because I am excessively short. Target does not carry petites. Great. No pants for me, so instead I bought a new button-up shirt that goes with my old khaki slacks from my days as a pizza delivery driver. Apparently I made a good choice because my darling neighbors have already complimented me on it. The bonus here is that I finally have abutton-up shirt that doesn't pop buttons across my chest when I move, and strain across it when I hold still.
Yeah, I like new clothes, and it's such a rare thing to get them.
Going to an interview with the temp agency today, and then to the dentist to check on my holes, before going to Mina's program. Busy day, maybe tomorrow will be a bit more laid back.

Get up, Stand up, Don't Give up the Fight

That was a very depressing post. I apologize.

On a lighter note, I'm very excited that I get to go out with the girls on Friday night, we're all gonna hit a secret location (which I can't divulge at this point) and then have some coffee at Shari's and bitch. It's been forever since we've gotten to do this together, because for some damned reason we all had kids and got real live adult lives. Why? I do not know. Apparently we all have some kind of masochistic bent that we can't seem to avoid involving in our daily lives.

So anyway it should be fun. Then Saturday night Jen and I are going to go to Neighbors to see the drag show. She has some friends who will be participating in the show, and I got roped into joining her, not that I mind going to the gay bar but it's not exactly the kind of bar you go to to meet guys. Know what I mean?

Also, tomorrow night Mina is playing in her kindergarten music program, she's gonna be a gingerbread girl! Oh, she's gonna be soooooo cute!! I gotta remember my camera.

What to do, what to do...?

today I applied with OSLC, did the whole bit, application, resume, letter of intent (apparently this is the same as a cover letter), dressed up, did my hair and makeup.... all of this just to walk in, hand over my papers and say "I'm applying for the assessor position".

Woo-hoo.
one more down, no more prospects looming. Why am I doing this to myself?! I could just be a hooker... no resume, no cover letter, just high heels, fishnets, and a nice "Hey baby, how you doin' tonight."
$500 a night, and self-employed to boot.. I don't believe in pimps.

back to reality
I have now applied for two whole positions, and one temp agency (that basically rejected me). All of this productive behavior in the past five weeks.. I'm on a roll.
(Does anyone else sense an air of cynicism in here?)

Personal Ad from Bali

The other day while poking around on craig's list I discovered a personal ad that caught my attention. The ad was very different from anything I'd ever seen there before, even the title email/coffee/kisses/sex/marriage/death/reincarnation/email - 38 was a bit odd. So I read it and discovered that other than a few minor glitches this guy is like the single woman's wet dream in the flesh. I don't quite match his criteria though. I considered writing to him, if nothing else maybe I could learnmore about Bali, but decided against it.
Then Sunday night I went to Craig's list again and discovered that he posted the ad again. I figured he didn't get any responses the first time or something, so I decided to write to him and let him know that I found him interesting even if no one else did (and even though he's 12 years older than me).
So I'm writing to tell you all that this is the end of my career as a single woman... I'm moving to Bali next week to be pampered and spoiled by an intelligent, rich and handsome man who adores me, and I will never be coming back to this hellhole or have to find a job.


Just kidding, that was my wet dream. I will probably end my days in this hellhole with no man, rich or otherwise, and no job.
but it is always fun to dream.

Damn the Post Office

I called the number my mailman gave me, and it was automated and basically I was told to go to the USPS website and apply for an application there. So I did (again) and was rather smarmily informed by the pop-up window that I couldn't apply for a job because I already had. That was two weeks ago. I haven't even gotten a little courtesy note to say that my application was received.
So I'm back to square one, although I still have a chance to get that position with the county. I just need to finish filling out the application....
I should do that now.

Bye

Up Yours, Upwords

Last night at Des's went pretty well, we had a good time. Sadly, my attempt to even the Scrabble odds by introducing them to Upwords didn't go as well as I'd hoped. Des and Ben are of the impression that they can't play scrabble with me anymore because I always win. This is completely untrue. Although I'm sure that they feel this way, in actual fact they do win... occasionally. So I brought over Upwords because it brings a whole third dimension to the game, and none of us has played before. It should have evened the odds, but I still won. It's so depressing sometimes being really good at games, no one will play with you after a while. Jen and Chris won't play Scrabble or Monopoly, I think Ben and Des are headed that direction too. Jen and I won't play Risk with Chris (cuz he cheats) and he always wins by a landslide, I guess world domination is just his thing. Luckily we all equally suck at Trivial Pursuit (we know everything but the sports category), and card games go back and forth depending on the luck of the draw. I'm running out of games to play.

Things are Looking Up

My boredom of yesterday has paid off. Tammi called me this morning, Neva came by to say Hi, Jen called and asked if I'd go shopping with her, and I'm going out to Des's tonight to do some shopping and drink and play Scrabble-type things.
Yeah! No more boredom for me.

Also, on the work end of things, I found a posting on the county website for a position that I might actually qualify for, so I filled out the questionnaire and tomorrow I'm going to fill out the application and send it in. Wish me luck.
My mailman, who is an absolute darling, told me that the post office is doing testing in Salem this week. He also gave me some tips on the test and suggested I call the post office's 800 number to find out when I can get in to be tested. Starting wages with the post office: $17 /hour.

Woo-Hoo!! I'm feeling far less depressed now, I'm beginning to see the silver lining on my cloudy horizon. Again, wish me luck.

Imagine all the People...

I'm feeling much better today, probably because this is my assigned day off and I'm not doing anything. I feel bad when I have things that I planned on doing and I can't get around to doing them, but if I have nothing planned then I don't feel bad at all.
At some point today I am going to go to the bank and pick up a roll of quarters for laundry, other than that .... nothin' , nada, zip... I might take a nap.

The double white chocolate mocha w/ hazelnut and whip I had probably has a lot to do with why I'm feeling more like myself today, and the fact that my bank account is no longer hovering on the brink of extinction, just waiting to go the way of the dodo.

Now I just need to find someone who wants to get together and hang out at some point this weekend... I hate spending the whole weekend at home with nothing to do... it makes me feel old and dull.

So Sleepy...

Today has not gone well, I'm giving up my ten part series on Hell's Kitchen. I just don't have the energy to continue it... besides, I'm pretty sure everyone got the point.
DO NOT EVER OFFER TO HELP SOMEONE REMODEL THEIR KITCHEN!

I feel so burnt out I don't even know what I'm doing.
I think this mostly stems from my feelings of incompetency in regards to job hunting, I just feel hopeless.
Maybe I'm getting depressed again, but if so then getting up and getting things accomplished will really help. Getting a job is the only thing I really need to accomplish right now though.

Anyway, despite the fact that it's really early for me, I think I'm going to turn in for the night and see how tomorrow goes. Goodnight all.

Job Search

Okay, so I am beginning to get a bit desperate in the job search realm, bills are piling up, time is running short and I don't want to be stuck at a job I hate just so that I can make enough money to feed us.
So I am calling out to all of you. (Yes, all six of you)
They say that the best way to job search is by networking, so I'm networking.
I am looking for something that will start at around $2000 a month, benefits would be awful handy too. I have a Bachelor's in Anthropology and almost no experience with anything. But I'm cool. People like me and I generally like them, I learn quickly, I am good with computers and research and people. I am not good with management, or typing (about 25 wpm), or uptightness. Just about anything else I can pick up really quick.
I am hoping to find something working with children, youth, or families in an advocacy or case management capacity.

If anyone can send me any scoops on places that are looking for someone like me, or even if they know someone who knows someone.. please leave a comment and I'll get back to you as soon as possible.

(keep in mind I can't afford to relocate, so unless the company is willing to relocate me I have to stay in the Eugene/Springfield area)
My fingers are crossed, I'm looking forward to hearing from someone.

Hell's Kitchen part 5: Monday Night Madness or How Do I fit a 7 Foot Long Countertop in a Compact Sedan?

Jerry's trip #4 began as a truly laughable trip, we needed more wood, we needed laminate for a countertop, and some other crap.

They mocked us again, this is no longer amusing.

We got to the laminate section and asked the ever so handsome Robert to help us. Although extremely tempted to buy the preformed countertop and just cut a sink hole in it we realized that it wouldn't fit in my car and we would have to go the long route and buy all the bits and pieces to build our own version of a counter-like-thing.

How depressing.

So Robert helped us gather laminate, glue, a scoring tool, lumber, nails, and other crap.
When buying the lumber we yet again came across the issue of how do we fit a 7 foot long countertop (or in this case the wood for it) in my car?!

So we had young Bobby from the lumber yard cut the wood in half; two 3.5 foot pieces of particleboard and four 3.5 foot pieces of 1/4 in. plywood fit nicely into the trunk, along with the laminate and assorted other goodies. This did not seem to be a problem at the time.

We will go into how it became a problem later.

When we got back to the house Jen had already laid half the tiles for the flooring. Finally, we were making progress! However there was still old linoleum left on the floor in places. So quick as a wink Chris and I zipped out to Wal-Mart (Jerry's was closed by this time) and bought a belt sander. It wasn't very effective on the linoleum but was worth its weight in gold later on during the sink hole cutting process. In the end the most effective tool we found for the linoleum removal was a pie slicer/server thingie. Yep kids, Betty Crocker was right! Kitchen gadgets are the most important tools your family will ever need.

Woo-hoo, the old floor was finally gone!! We very carefully spent 2 hours (at least it felt like it) cutting floor tiles to perfectly fit the weird angles inside the pantry, and caulked all the way around the damned thing (so water will never, ever, ever get under the flooring again).

We called it quits at 2 a.m. again, with the floor finally done... but the countertop, cabinets, and drawers still in the works.

Stay Tuned for the next exciting installment of Hell's Kitchen part 6: Counter Conundrum or Damn Your Drawers!

Enquiring minds want to know...

How do they get the toilet paper on those little rolls so neatly?
My daughter has picked up the habit of unravelling the entire roll of toilet paper into a little pile on the floor lately. Raise your hand if you've ever tried to roll it back on...

... see, I'm not the only one.

It's really hard. It bulges in places and no matter how hard you try it won't roll up straight and keeps trying to wriggle off one end of the spool or the other. How do they do it when they make it at the toilet paper factory?

Apparently this is one of the great unsolved mysteries of our day.

S&M Strikes Again

So, I've finally begun recovering from my extraction (or at least I think I'm recovering because of all the Vicodin). Let's just say that I'm feeling lucid enough at the moment to write for a while.

Spent Friday night at Jen's place having sushi, this was a great idea in theory, but failed in practice since the rice and wasabi kept getting crammed into my gaping toothholes. Damn. I really like sushi too. Sadly, now that the drugs have kicked in I'm craving jalapeno poppers, but after the sushi incident I'm thinking that I should avoid them at all costs, tempting though they are.

Last night Des, Ben, and I had a date to go to see Spike & Mike's Sick and Twisted Festival of Animation. Five Stars, I loved it. Apparently I am just sick and twisted enough for that sort of thing. We had dinner at IHOP, cuz I couldn't chew (which was a great excuse to order cheese blintzes for dinner), then went to the Samurai Duck for drinks and some damned death metal band, I think they were called Avid. The music was pretty good, but got boring when you realized there weren't any catchy lyrics that stuck in your head. For that matter the only lyrics in the whole set that I understood were "It wasn't me...". Not very amusing. If the band ever happens to read this I strongly suggest they get a better lyricist, and some sort of snappy refrain, other than that I give them props for fine instrumental work, and the lead singer actually had a decent voice too. (plus, the bassist was kinda cute).

Two rum&cokes and a "dead hooker under my bed" (Redrum, Malibu, Sprite, Cranberry, and a cherry) later we walked over to the Bijou for the late night show.

Oh joy of joy! Who should we run into in the lobby but the oh-so-cute-and-actually-intelligent europunk boy, George. He was out with friends, Sidney, Megan, and some other guys. I have run into George twice before in the past year (not good odds for fate) and for some reason I have a total crush on him. He's attractive, intelligent, works on cars, knows about computers, has traveled (and actually is willing to talk about it), he's even book-smart, and did I mention cute?, and he doesn't seem to carry with him the overpowering ego that often comes with all of these traits. Also, the few times I've met him he has seemed to be interested in me, not like "hey baby" interested, but more like "she's pretty cool, I think I'll actually listen to what she's saying instead of talking about how cool I am all the time" interested. In fact it took me very little effort to convince him to sit next to me in the theater last night, so who knows? maybe he is "hey baby" interested. Ben doesn't know what to think of the situation, and Des thinks that maybe he's just shy. How could someone so damned hot be shy?! I think I'm just gonna have to bite the bullet the next time I see him and ask if he'd like to go to coffee some time, or maybe I could rip something out of my car and call him to "rescue" me by helping me fix it? (Underhanded, devious, yes. But effective.) I found a book called something like "How To Make Anyone Do What You Want" or some damned thing, and one of the tricks to making people like you is to ask them to help you with something. The idea goes that this will give the impression that you think they are capable, and that you need them, and they get the self-esteem boost of having accomplished something and been praised for it. This will make them like you. Think it will work?
I just can't be too obvious.

Anyway, my evening out went very well, thanks for asking. I have to go though, cuz my face is starting to hurt again.

Bu-Bye

Ooooh, the agony

I no longer have all of my original teeth.
Yesterday was interesting since I sent Mina off to school and then proceeded to get really high on Ativan (which is for anxiety) before going to the dentist's, having my wisdom teeth removed (with nitrous), and then scurrrying home to take some Vicodin (they gave me maximum strength). I have finally just come out of my drug induced stupor, had my first few drags of a cigarette since yesterday at noon, and I'm starving since I didn't eat yesterday in preparation for the surgery.

i almost fainted on my neighbor's porch last night, and I'm really hungry but my mouth still hurts like hell and I don't think i could eat anything if I tried.

I'm going to ask one of my neighbors if they will go get me a milkshake.... that sounds good.

(God my face hurts.)

Extraction = Bad, Pain Drugs = Good.

Just a quick warning, I am having my three remaining wisdom teeth pulled tomorrow afternoon. So I may need some recovery time before I can continue my story... please be patient. The good thing is I'm girlie free all weekend, I used my oral surgery as an excuse for my parents to take her for the weekend and actually spend a little quality time with their granddaughter.

Hell's Kitchen part 4: Doom on You! or A Mockery at Jerry's.

So, six hours of sleep later...

We decide that it is time to make Jerry's trip #3, the intention is to buy more particleboard for the floor, laminate for all the counters, and a bunch of other crap including 8 more tubes of caulk (why do we need 8? I don't know, but we do). We also intend on hunting down Bryan from plumbing and reaming him a new asshole, because he is a LIAR, and getting the correct caps for the pipes (the third time's the charm).

Keep in mind that at this point we're so retarded from lack of sleep and sheer frustration that we're getting a bit giddy. So driving down west 11th Street I am chanting the shopping list at the top of my lungs "Plywood, caps, laminate, CAULK!! (only it sounds more like COCK!!)". Needless to say we got a few strange looks from the other drivers, and a pedestrian passing by asked me how I was doing today. I replied with, "I'm going to get some COCK!" in a very pleased voice.

(Note: If you think I'm making this up, just ask Chris he was there and laughing his head off all the way to Jerry's)

We also took this time to write our very own theme song called "Particleboard" to the tune of "Particleman". We were highly amused.

Until we got to Jerry's. Upon entering the welcome guy gave us a funny look and made some damned comment about us being back again, the caulk guy was helpful, and we cursed out Bryan and had one of his compatriot plumbing guys help us instead, the tool and lumber guys just straight up laughed at us. Yeah, yeah, HA-freakin-HA, we're back. We also at this point both looked like we had been run over by at least one freight train, which only added to the mockery we received at Jerry's.

Two hours later: Chris and I returned to the house triumphant but much discouraged by the local home improvement employees. The old linoleum was almost gone by now, almost. I decided to sit next to the hole and examine our strategy, the baby decided he needed to be a part of this as well. Just as I caught a glimpse of him out of the corner of my eye I heard Jen yell "NO!!", and he jumped (literally, like it was some kind of fancy new insulation-filled ball pit) into the giant hole. This was particularly alarming because since this was a mobile home the only thing between him and the ground 4 feet below was a fluffy layer of pink fiberglass and a sheet of black plastic. Luckily he didn't break through the plastic, and we didn't need to break for a hospital visit.
We quickly cut and set the remaining boards for the hole, in order to reduce Orion's chances of still making it to the hospital. The cracks between boards were filled with cock, and the water pipes finally capped, only to decide that we still needed more wood!! For the countertop, of course. And several pieces of 1x2 to support the cabinets below the counter which we discovered were connected in a highly unstable way (i.e. not connected at all, rather they were all meant to join at the corners but all fell about an inch short). What this meant was that it was rather astounding that the cabinet could support it's own weight let alone that of a single spoon.

So we set off into the sunset, humming our particleboard theme song and completely unprepared for the humiliation of Jerry's trip #4.

Stay Tuned for part 5: Monday Night Madness or How Do I fit a 7 Foot Long Countertop in a Compact Sedan?

Hell's Kitchen part 3: It's Only Water!

Where was I?

Oh yeah, Jen's panic attack. Well she calmed down after a bit, but in the meantime we had a look at the counter that we had torn out.
For five years Chris had decided that the best (and laziest) way to clean the coffeepot counter was to pour water on it and let it sit until the coffee soaked out of the countertop. BAD IDEA. He claimed it was only water and couldn't do any harm. We found out different. Upon removing the laminate from the counter top we discovered that the entire 2 inch thick countertop was rotten and mildewy all the way through. This instigated project 2 replacing the countertop and project 3, while we're at it let's repair the drawer tracks so that they'll actually shut right.

Oh, did I mention that there's still no water in the house because the pipe caps we bought were about 18 sizes too big? And there are three children in the house, including mine who every five minutes decides to ask me if we can go home yet.

We take off for Jerry's trip (#2) to buy floor tiles, lumber, and crossbeam 2x4s, brackets, nails, screws, etc. The Jerry's employees smile when they see us and wave, asking what they can help us with this time. We have Bryan from plumbing assist us in finding the right caps for the pipes this time (Note: do not trust Bryan from plumbing), he insists they are the right ones.

Chris and I return to the house two and a half hours after leaving it, to find that again the girls have made little progress despite their best efforts at ripping up the old linoleum. The scrapers we bought are too sharp and just take chunks out of the actual floor, and the sanding blocks could take years to get through it.

We start putting in the crossbeams to support the new flooring, this is a royal bitch as there is no room to maneuver in the giant ass hole in the floor. And Chris (who I might add is supposedly a genius, he's been tested and everything), keep in mind this is the guy who said, "it's only water", puts in these beams without stopping to check that they are level all the way across. We find this out many hours later after cutting the particleboard to fit in the space and finding that the back side sinks down about a half an inch when you put weight on it. We shrug, it's well supported, it won't break, it just sinks a little. Our solution: reduce the sinkage by cramming a spare piece of 3/4 inch particleboard in on top of the support beam and under the flooring. It works for me.

Next we cut a second piece of flooring for the other end of the counter, it is just a bit off in size so I gently tap it on the edge with a hammer to snug it in to place. Mr. Genius decides that I am not going fast enough so he hops on the unsupported end of the board and starts jumping up and down on it. It snaps in half (of course). At this point I'm ready to cry, instead I give Chris a dirty look and we all go out for a cigarette.

At 2 a.m. we give up for the night, there is a hole in Jen's floor about 9 feet long and 2 feet wide, the edges have been smoothed down to fit the new boards, half of one board is in the hole where it is supposed to be but the other piece (the one that sinks) has been determined to not be good enough and is removed with the intention of getting a new piece to fit the hole better in the morning, the linoleum is still fighting back with every thing it's got, there's still no water because Bryan is a big fat LIAR, not too mention that Chris has added teeny tiny hand boo-boos #2 and #3 while trying to manhandle the old floor out and then back in, and this was only day one.

Day two for me: Arrived at the POS mobile home at 9 a.m. on Sunday morning, after not getting to sleep the night before until 3 a.m. (you can see where this is going right?)...

Stay Tuned for Hell's Kitchen part 4: Doom on You! or A Mockery at Jerry's.

Hell's Kitchen part 2: The Beginning of the End

Now that all of my readers properly understand my own special brand of insanity, it's time to begin my story.

List of Characters:
Jen: my friend of many years, my daughter's babysitter, mother of 5 year old Kiesha and 1 1/2 year old Orion. Owner of a piece of shit mobile home in west Eugene. Leo.
Chris: husband of Jen, computer genius, also owner of POS mobile home. There are times when he and I get along better than Jen and I. Cancer.
Kiesha: one of the few children on this planet that just irks me. Virgo.
Orion: does not irk me. Sagittarius.
Mina: my own spawn, 6 years old, unusually whiney during this episode. Scorpio.
Ariel: me, 'nuff said. Voluntarily a part of this debacle. Taurus.

My mission (which I did accept, sadly) was to remove the kitchen counter from the wall and replace the subflooring under it and the refrigerator where it had rotted due to a leaky dishwasher and fridge; and then replace all of the kitchen linoleum with linoleum tile in a new prettier pattern.

MISSION: IMPOSSIBLE

This project began on Friday the 18th of March, while I was out running around Jen and Chris began removing the old linoleum with butter knives and fingers, thanks to a lack of proper tools.
I arrived Saturday morning to find only half of the linoleum removed. We detached the plumbing under the sink, removed the counter (I make this sound simple here, but in reality it took hours because of the dynamics of the situation and the abundance of stripped screws holding the damned thing in place.)

After removing the counter we took trip (#1) to Jerry's for supplies. Bought: scrapers for remaining linoleum, caps for water pipes (so we could turn the rest of the water in the house back on), jigsaw (for cutting shit, duh!), caulk, sanding blocks (to smooth floor under old linoleum), and a few other random items. The plan was to rip everything out and then go back to Jerry's on a lumber run to replace what we'd ripped out. Good plan right?
Everyone at Jerry's is very helpful and polite, they all give us advice, we don't take most of it.

Jen and girlies have been tearing at remaining linoleum this whole time with little success. Ate lunch.

Began cutting with the jigsaw, realized (luckily before cutting through them) that the pipes don't just drop down through the floor but run along one of the beams about two inches below the subflooring. Give up cutting, start tearing rotten floor out with hammers. Chris gets teeny little hand injury #1. Upon seeing the gaping hole in her kitchen floor, Jen commences having a panic attack.

Watch for part 3: It's only water! coming soon.

Hell's Kitchen part 1: My Own Deathwish

And now the saga of Hell's Kitchen begins.

It was a dark and stormy night... um, no, not really. I have a deathwish. I have come to this conclusion via twenty-five years of self-observations. I love to have free time, but then don't know what to do with myself, so I fill every hour of every day with something that I must do. (this phenomenon can be observed in some of my previous posts). After having finished my schoolwork for winter term I decided that I would have way too much free time during my break and that it needed to be filled.

Time filler #1: Build Gina's computer from scratch, and update mine while I'm at it.
I order the parts, I wait for them, I go to Chris's to get the processor which he is only charging me $50 for. (This is good, for those who don't know). While there i have him help me with installing the proc and heat sink (it's a very tricky thing to get it just right). I put everything together but the hard drive which is still in my comp. Then we spend three hours swapping my 30 gigs of used hard drive space onto the new 80 gig drive; we install the new DVD burner in my comp and the card reader that came with Gina's stuff goes in too. Double Bonus Cookie!! I helped a friend out by getting her a new computer at less than market value, and upgraded mine for a minimal cost (basically I chipped in about $25 plus the cost of the proc). Now my comp kicks ass, and she can actually get online, and Chris even traded RAM with me while we were at it, and upgraded his RAM speed. A good deal all around, right? This whole process took three nights. One to do all the hardware work, one to do all the software installation and such (so gina had programs that were good and she could use, rather than the crap that comes with new prebuilt comps), and one to drive to Junction City and set it up for her including teaching her how to use some of her new stuff.

Time-filler#2: Robin's blanket.
I knit and crochet, because as I previously stated I have a bizarre desire to fill my time with productive behavior. In January I made my mom an afghan, it was a late Christmas present and took all of 3 weeks to make in my spare time. Cost: $20 Shipping Cost: $15 Not good. So in February I decided that I should make my brother Robin a blankie too. (I'm such a nice sister, the little bastard had better appreciate me.) I decided that since we were all (the family) getting together at the end of March I should finish it by then and give it to my mom to take down to Cali for him. Savings: $15 (shipping) Great idea right? This was of course before the great girlie illness, and the practicum paper of doom, not to mention the exciting computer rebuildathon. To make a long story short, I finished it on Saturday of this week while I was on vacation with the family, and turned it over to my mom to give to the ungrateful little wretch. (He really better appreciate me now).

(I just called him and he does appreciate me!! YEAH!!)

Time-filler #3: Hell's Kitchen.... look for part 2, coming soon!

Catching up... or at least trying.

OK I apologize now to all of you who have been checking in periodically in hopes of finding something new and been disappointed.

The past few weeks have been completely insane.

Throughout this week I will be randomly posting brief blogs on the craziness that is my life, including the ten part series "Hell's Kitchen" and my own favorite mini-series "Little Ranch in the Boonies".

Please be patient and give me timeas these tales are not short and combined with bill paying and getting my classes in order have taken up all of my time for the past three weeks.

Until tomorrow then, for it is getting late and a hot bath and the Sagas of Icelanders await me.
Ciao.